Monday, August 5, 2013

Food Baby

I have a big announcement...


I had a food baby today!

I don't know WHY I did it, but I ate pizza last night. Real life, cheesy, delivered... pizza.

I have been doing so well lately, too! I mean REALLY well. I played tennis Saturday morning for two hours (I won btw), went for a 4 mile hike Sunday morning, and I even split a piece of cake at a party Saturday night! I've exercised every single day for weeks, and I haven't been drinking any alcohol. I am so mad at myself! I have been beating myself up all day today. Actually, I beat myself up all night after I did it, too. 

How did it happen? I was at a friend's pool during the day and I was starving the whole time. While I was chilling at the pool I planned a nice healthy dinner for myself in my head- I was supposed to go to a friend's house for dinner. But the minute I got in my car my hunger dominated me. I was completely controlled by my craving for pizza. I ordered it before I even left my friend's pool! It was delivered within minutes of me getting home.

Want to know something? I didn't even enjoy it. It legitimately did not taste good at all. I was thinking to myself that my homemade pizzas tasted so much better! And I was full after far less than what I used to eat back in my consistent binge days. I ordered thin crust, which is something I once would have considered a travesty. Since pizza is a total weakness of mine, I have been reserving the real deal for when I go out to a good local pizza place. The delivery service I usually order from during pizza binge mode was totally sub par this time but yet I continued to eat it. 
It was greasy and I regretted every bite.

I was so mad at myself afterwards that I started to cry. Like a baby. The kind of cry that stops your nose up for a long time afterwards.
This morning I felt so bloated and lazy that I didn't even get up and go to my crossfit class. I just wanted to lay around all day. Which I did. I went to the pool and layed out for 2 hours. Hating every second of my bad decision the night before. As I was laying there I felt like a beached whale. I was seriously scared someone was going to yell: megalodon!!! He DOES exist! My stomach was so big, someone could have literally fit inside there. Like, a 27 pound baby. Ugh! I felt AWFUL!

I learned a lot from this pizza.
 I have changed. I am no longer the person I used to be. I am truly not the person who can eat a whole pizza without regret. 
I am no longer the person who can binge and move on. My feelings after a binge used to just get sucked back in and covered up.

For the first time ever, the aftereffects of this binge stayed with me. They didn't just get covered up and forgotten about. They were left sitting in my stomach kicking around, begging to be released.

After 24 hours of self-loathing, regret, guilt, and stomach pain (literally), I had the food baby (again, literally. but i won't go into those details).
All the labor pains of this food baby were building up to the birthing moment. That moment where I was able to realize that I no longer carry this "food" with me everywhere. I no longer feel the need to nurture my cravings and feed them.
I like the new me, and I honestly don't see myself ever going back to being a food baby mommy, constantly feeding it things that aren't conducive to my health.
Fly away little food baby! Run free! :) 

5 comments:

  1. You can reward yourself, just don't overdo it! Great progress you've made so far!

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  2. The headline was just so good, it's what descibes me as well on many days. Sometimes you just feel like this without no reason (or after a pizza or pasta) and all the clothes seem too small and skinny. Blaah I hate it! But I think that in this case this pizza was a good reminder of what will happend if we slip :)

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  3. Lori
    you are truly an inspiration to me. I had a "meltdown" this weekend, for the person that I have become (physically). I am so mad at myself. BUT the good news is, like you I have made great strides, I am walking 2-2.5 miles a day, drinking more water, hiking and staying away from greasy foods as much as possible. I know its hard, trust me I do but you are getting there!

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    1. That's great! Good job! Thank you so much. I appreciate you reading and commenting!

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