Thursday, January 31, 2013

Why is Food Such a Big Deal?

Pouring my heart out to a friend explaining my struggles with food, she blurts out: "I just don't see what the big deal with food is! I just don't think it's that big of a deal to make a healthy decision!" I was taken aback by this outburst until I realized how right she is. It really is not a big deal to make a healthy decision. I was at Whiskey Kitchen the other day for lunch and World War III was happening in my head. I felt like the junk inside my skull was going to implode. Get the Philly cheesesteak! Get the chicken fingers! Get the burger! Get the nachos! No, be good and get grilled chicken. Get the grilled chicken salad. Get the veggie wrap. No! Get the Philly Cheesesteak! No. Get the grilled chicken salad. Dressing on the side. You will feel so much better afterwards. It will be so rewarding. Decision made. Then the server plopped the pizza menu down in front of me apologizing for forgetting to give it to me with my menu (bitch). Yes, get pizza! Flat bread pizza is the jam. You can get veggie pizza. No. Shut up. Stop it. Get the grilled chicken salad. Now. Before you change your mind. By the time i spat "grilled chicken salad" out I was seriously exhausted from fighting with myself. JEEZ! I mean, this is seriously what goes on in my head EVERY time I am deciding what to eat. Absolutely ridiculous. I was talking to someone today who was so proud of themselves for not even craving cigarettes lately. I immediately got all judgmental and wanted to say: Ew! Why would you even crave a cigarette in the first place? As soon as I thought it, I realized how stupid it was for me to judge someone for craving a harmful substance. Unhealthy food IS a harmful substance. They should put warning labels on bad food: WARNING! Repeat use of grease has been proven to cause heart attacks, birth defects, chaffed thighs, and fat ugly bitch syndrome.
Every time I decide to eat well instead of shitty I see that little band like in those anti-smoking commercials. So, basically I'm in kind of a rehab program. I am weening myself off of food drugs. I will have withdrawals and I will relapse, but I'm NOT checking out!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Good Human!

My Iron Tribe coach asked me how my eating is going. I admitted to him that lately I've really been struggling. He gave this little one-liner that I just can't get out of my head: "you're not a dog, so don't reward yourself with food."
It seems so simple, doesn't it? I mean, I give my dog Ziggy a treat for POOPING. Why would I reward myself with something that I am trying to eliminate from my life? If a woman is working day and night to heal from the pain of an abusive man, is she going to allow herself 5 minutes of physical and mental abuse as a reward for staying away from him? No. Because that wouldn't make any sense. It also doesn't make sense to reward myself with harmful food just because I lost 5 pounds. That bad food is what put those 5 pounds there in the first place!! I'm not saying that you can't "cheat" every now and then. You know me- I don't believe in diets. I believe in changing your lifestyle to where you can learn to adapt and make room for the less than perfect food. The whole mentality of rewarding myself with food has really never seemed sillier to me than it does now. By the way, here's my doggy Ziggy- cutest pup ever.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Home Sweet Bored

So it's 11:20pm. I'm home from work. Have been for about 30 minutes now. I'm bored. Now is the time I usually want to eat. I mean, I am kind of hungry, but not hungry enough to where I really feel like I have to eat something. I ate dinner at 7pm- a little over 4 hours ago, so I guess it's pretty normal to be a little hungry. But since I have eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner today I will not eat anything. I should just go to bed, but now is my happy hour! I work 1:30-10:30pm everyday, so I'm not ready to go to bed at 11. Do you go to bed at 5:30pm- 30 minutes after you get off work? Didn't think so. But since I get off so late, I have nothing to do. Too late to call friends, don't want to go to a bar, too dark to go for a walk, stores are closed... So, naturally this is when I turn to food to entertain me. Wait, no- not naturally! How could that be natural? Food is not a hobby or a pasttime. Puzzles and books are. I am amazed at the progression of food and what we have turned it into. Honestly, at what point did food become more than just a survival ritual? Exactly what started the notion that food is more than an essential part of life? Last time I checked, cavemen didn't go on antelope hunting binges. If we had to actually hunt and kill each meal, or search for berries, we would only eat what we needed to survive, and squirrel the rest away. So I pose the question again: at what point in society did food become more than a means of survival? I understand the importance of making everything more efficient, but why do we humans have to go so over the damn top with everything? Look at other animals: they've been on this earth as long as we have, so why haven't they evolved into obese, diabetes-riden specimens? When's the last time you saw a zebra eating
an extra koala just because it had a bad day? (Do zebras eat koalas?) I know we can't say if other animals experience the same emotions as humans, but it seems like they don't. They are hardwired for survival. A friend of mine thinks that the refrigerator is the downfall. When we began to add genetically modified ingredients to nearly everything we consume and slap on preservatives to extend shelf lives, we basically gave mother nature a big 'ol crotch punch. There are so many delicious foods that are found in nature, why would we want food from a machine? When did this become a good idea? Nature is a smart woman, but we don't listen to her. Do you know what 3 of the rarest things found in nature are? Salt, fat, and SUGAR. If nature makes them hard to find, it's for a reason. Logic tells us that they are scarce in nature because they are not essential. But humans, being assholes, had to go and figure out how to make those 3 things readily available and in huge quantities. Does that make any sense at all?? Why is a candy bar- something that came out of a machine, at a million dollar factory- cheaper than a carrot, which came from dirt? So the manufactured and processed, sugar coated food is Cheaper than dirt? Hmmm...That's not making much sense to me on this late, boring Monday night.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Picture is Worth a Picture

Why is it that when you take a picture of yourself you're all like ooh I'm so pretty! Look at me! Feeling good!
Then someone else takes a picture of you and you're like ew! WTF! I didn't want all those chins in this picture. That's why I left them out of the other one!
Self Perception can be deadly. It probably almost killed me. Seriosuly. I went so many years thinking that I was big and beautiful and that people should just love me for who I am. I never stopped to think that my ignorance could literally kill me. If you know me well then you know that I love to dance. A lot. It's my favorite. Did you hear about the guy who had a heart attack and died after doing the gangnam style at a bar one night?
It's for real. Google it. This scared the shit out of me. I am totally one of those people who will get to drinking and be the life of the party but then fall out doing the cupid shuffle. I have had to be really open-minded to see how out of control I've let myself get so that I can grasp reality and do something about it. I've had a good week so far. I've been exercising my ass off and I've whipped up some pretty scrumptious healthy food. I just hope and pray that the momentum will keep going. A small compliment goes a long way. I changed my hair just a tiny bit and so many people at work noticed it and threw me a compliment. One of our anchors walked all the way over to my desk to tell me that I'm looking good and to keep up the good work. These small incentives should fuel me for a few days. Self-Perception should be positive, but not unrealistic. That's why I like pictures. They don't lie. I can lie to myself but it will only harm me. I need to get to the point where my self-perception is the ultimate balance between confidence and reality. I want to perceive that I'm healthy and look good and I want to have the body to prove it. This is why I will keep on snapping pictures and looking at their worth. I want my perception to be worthy of a picture snapped by someone other than me.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Fat Camp

I'm going to Fat Camp! I am so excited. Several people have told me I shouldn't call it fat camp because it has such a negative connotation and that it probably hurts my psyche. I disagree. I can call it a "health retreat" or a "health spa" all day long but... it's a fat camp. I think some people are more uncomfortable with talking about my weight with me than I am. Sometimes I get a little overpersonal and I can tell that it makes them a little squirmy. I am such an open person and talking out loud about stuff helps me more than anything else. By the way, I'm watching Biggest Loser out of the corner of my eye and I saw that they were doing some crossfit-esque type of exercises and it made me happy. I mean, c'mon- if Jillian Michaels believes in it, then it must be awesome, right?? OK, getting back on track..., so sometimes I don't know where to draw the line and I just talk and talk and talk without realizing that me sharing my deepest darkest secrets might not be the topic of conversation some people want to hear. I like calling it fat camp and therefore I will continue calling it fat camp. Sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable (love ya mean it). I am not ashamed that I am fat. I am aware of it and I am not proud of it, but I am not going to stand in a corner somewhere facing away from the world in hopes that I won't be noticed. Ok, sorry- one more thing about Biggest Loser- they are racing for a mile and I am so proud of all them. I know what an obstacle just one teensy little mile can be. Running is one of those unachievable activites that seems to be reserved for all the skinny minnies out there. I never thought that I would be able to run a few miles consistently and look at me- I did two triathlons last year! I am a better runner now at 300 pounds than I was at 150 pounds and a college cheerleader. These contestants are seriously crying on tv for crossing the finish line and I can so relate to that. I remember when I first started training for my tris last year: when I ran that first mile without stopping I boo-hooed like a little b%$#@! Ok, back to the nature at hand. Wait, what was it again? Oh yeah, fat camp. So, I'm going with my mom and my mom's best friend. We will have a cottage on the beach and each of us will have our own rooms. It's a whole week of getting up at sunrise and going all day long. There will be lectures, cooking classes, horseback riding, yoga and all sorts of fun healthy activities. We'll be meeting with nutrionists and trainers to develop a personal plan to take with us when we leave. I'm going the last week in March. I would really like to lose 20 pounds before then. One of my good friends and I hiked at Radnor Lake yesterday. I've hiked up Ganier Ridge a few times and I've always struggled with it big time (like having to stop and rest 3-4 times before reaching the top). Yesterday we made it to the top and I didn't have to stop at all! Little wins, one at time. By the way, Heavyweights is a great movie.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

50 Shades of Food

Why does everything seem to revolve around food? When you go to a party where does everyone gather? The kitchen. What's in a kitchen? Food. When you want to catch up with an old friend what do you do? You go somewhere to get food. You go on a first date... you get food. Everything revolves around food. I was in a corporate meeting the other day learning about a new technology at work. One of the examples was how to send out an office form when you need information from your co-workers. The example he gave? Potluck lunch and what everyone is bringing...food. In a meeting today we discussed ATMs dispensing change. How will this be more convenient for everyone, according to the folks in my meeting? Well, obviously: if someone is going to pick up food for you, you can just give them a 10 instead of a 20. It's all about the food. Why is food so important to us? Why is it so comforting? Why is it so harmful? I think that really good memories are associated with food. A nice dinner to honor an anniversary, a team dinner to celebrate a big win, Thanksgiving dinner with family you rarely see... So, if all of these good things are associated with food, where does all the negativity come from? Are we just trying so hard to remind ourselves of all those happy moments? Why can't we just be patient and wait for the next big moment to celebrate? For me, food is not just a means of surviving. I love it. I love to experiment with new recipes, I love to try new items at my favorite restaurants, and I love to eat- plain and simple. I enjoy the whole drama of eating, whether it's something I cooked or something someone else cooked for me. A good friend and I had a conversation about eating. I admitted to him that sometimes I just have no control. If I want pizza I will eat pizza; it doesn't matter that I'm overweight and that I know I can't cave in and eat that stuff. If I want Taco bell I will get Taco Bell. Once the craving hits it is almost impossible for me to tell myself no. He said that he just didn't understand that at all. He says he cannot imagine just eating for no reason and not being able to control it. Well, honestly, I don't understand it either. I also don't understand why so many people turn to crack and meth to solve their problems. Or why people drink themselves into oblivion, and then get in cars and kill people. Why do we do things to ourselves that we know are harmful? Are we all sadists and masochists? It's like some creepy part of my brain enjoys me hurting myself and then beating myself up for it later. At what point do you get tired of hurting and learn to love the feeling of saying no to yourself? When something good happens to me I feel happy. When I lose 5 pounds I feel happy. Can I steal parts of those happy moments and store them away to use them when I want to hurt myself with food? It's a constant battle. Especially when the whole world seems to be made of food. I mean- even the damn moon looks like cheese:

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Eat Piggy Piggy...

I mean, I'm really getting it. I am really understanding how to not eat like a full grown pig ready for slaughter. A close friend of mine says that we focus way too much on scheduled eating. She claims our bodies are smarter than we give them credit for. Eat when hungry (I've written about this before). It seems like a novel concept, but it can be so hard to just eat when you're hungry. Why? Because we have been told all our lives to never skip breakfast... eat a few small meals throughout the day, then maybe consume a healthy snack. Here's what I've eaten today: a NutriSystem breakfast bar, a cup of coffee, a frozen bag of single serving frozen veggies, and a nutrisystem cup of soup. I am not ravishingly hungry. At 10:30pm. Granted, I've been a little under the weather, so this probably has something to with my smaller appetite- but just because I'm supposed to consume twice the amount of calories than I have today doesn't mean that I'm going to eat just because.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

A Charming Post About a Toilet

I'll spare you the picture. ((You're welcome)) So... this happened to me once before in an old apartment of mine but I wrote it off as cheap hardware. The other day I was doing the porcelain duty and I heard something snap. Or pop, or break-- some sort of bad sound. Then I felt a pinch in my left hamstring. I finished the necessary business and realized that a small part of the toilet seat had cracked. I had a flashback to an old toilet of mine in Birmingham and it hit me: I am literally so fat that I break toilet seats. I mean, come on!!! The crack was in the same place as my old toilet. What the hell has my world come to that I let myself get so big that I have become a serial toilet breaker? Sometimes I really think that things like this happen as a serious reminder (because I will definitely have to look at this everyday). Sure, I'll replace it eventually- but if you know me, then you know that I am no handyman and I would probably end up accidentally replacing the shower head instead of the toilet seat-- not knowing the difference in the tools and hardware!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

2012

A generic blog entry would start off with something like this: Whew! I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by! It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in 2012! Well, generically speaking, this is exactly how I feel. I am not where I imagined myself being at the start of 2013. I thought I would for sure be halfway to my ideal weight and a lot happier. The past two months have been hard. I knew this day was coming- the day where I had to face the fact that I failed myself again in reaching my goals. I have been really mopey about this. Then I reared back and slapped the shit out of myself. Let's take a look at what all I HAVE accomplished this year. 1) I completed TWO triathlons! Numero Uno:
And Deuce:
2) I've lost 20 pounds. Ok, not the 50 I wanted to lose in 2012, but Still!!
3) I learned portion control. This is my most notable achievement. Why not the triathlons? Because I am an athlete. I can workout like a mo'fo' and can probably kick your ass (seriously, test me). Eating is my number one problem. I love food. I eat when I'm bored. Hungry. Tired. Sad. Mad. Depressed. Happy. And on and on... I have been doing Nutrisystem the past few months and I love it. At first I looked at the teensy portions and thought they were a joke. But in hindsight I look back at my old portions and I get a little nauseated. I honestly used to believe that I HAD to eat every two hours to avoid headaches. I used to look around at my co-workers in awe that they were satisfied with only their dinner they brought with them. Now I might have one snack at work and I am completely satisfied with a sensibly portioned dinner. I am still hungry by the time I get home (which is generally 4 hours after dinner), but I have learned what is and what isn't acceptable to snack on when I get home. 4)When I get the urge to binge my mind is able to overpower the emotion. I have said no more times than I've said yes. 5) Iron Tribe. I graduated Iron Tribe 101 and now I am a member of the tribe! I get up at 5:30am 3 days a week and drive to Brentwood for a 6:30am workout. If you're wondering what Iron Tribe is, then you clearly have not been around me the past month. Because I'm OBSESSED and it's ALL I talk about! I have finally found the workout that sticks. It is crossfit, but so much better. The scores for each tribe (franchise) are posted online daily and you can see how you measure up against other tribe members at other locations. There are days I leave the workout in heaving sobs because I hate having to modify the exercises and I am so ready to be in shape it frustrates me to no end. But then most days I am so proud of myself I leave beaming like a moron. The workouts are geared to where it doesn't get easier. Ever. The Wods ("workout of the day") are the same for each franchise and vary daily. They design them so that each muscle group gets a killer workout each time. Here's me with my Tribe on the day of our graduation:
6) I don't think I've smoked a single cigarette all year. I'm pretty sure I've taken a few puffs under the influence, but not for real smoked :) Not that I was ever a real smoker- I just pretended to be when I drank. 7)Sodas- I was never a huge soda drinker to begin with, but I next to never have any now. I constantly have a bottle of water in my hand and I get a little pissy when I forget to bring water with me to work. 8)I have come to terms. Meaning: I am able to look myself in the mirror and see how unhealthy I am. No more rose colored glasses. 9) I realized that I can't compete with skinny. I have never been skinny and I never will be. Even as a college cheerleader and in the best shape of my life I was far from skinny. A guy I really like is in love with one of my very skinny friends and it breaks my heart. When I noticed his feelings I felt my world explode around me into tiny little pieces of razor sharp glass. I told myself that he is in love with her because she's skinny. Skinny. And I'm fat. I can't compete with skinny. Never ever will I be able to compete with skinny. And you know what? This is true. 100%. Some guys just like skinny girls and they will always choose skinny girls. They are not the guy for me. Just like I prefer athletes-- skinny guys are not for me. I am OK with this. New paragraph: Despite the fact that I did not reach my weight loss goals in 2012, I am pleased with the changes I did make. It took me a year to learn some of the little things that healthy people don't think twice about in their daily routine. I am looking forward to 2013 being MY year.I don't really do the whole resolution thing, but if I did- my resolution would be to 180 everything. I'm going to completely change the way I do all things I'm unhappy about. This goes for EVERYTHING. The only way to change the way things are going is to change. Simple as that. For far too long I have been chained to habit. When I crave something bad for me, I am going to think of what would be the total opposite and indulge in that.