Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I'm Still Here

Yesterday I wrote this post on my facebook page:

"I know I haven't written a post in a while. I'm still here. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff. One is my admittance of an addiction to food. As I struggle to come to terms with it, I find myself retracting from the world. This is this one thing I've been avoiding. I can make myself run marathons, or eat on a strict healthy regimen, but it all falls down when the addiction runs at me full force. I'm still here. I'm still with you. Every obstacle, every achievement, every confusing moment... I'm still here."

This post got more response than anything I've ever posted. No, it doesn't have 8,000 likes, or a bazillion comments, but I was slammed with private messages, phone calls, and texts.  

This is why I blog. Even though I've been a real shit lately and haven't blogged in a month, I AM still here. I am struggling just like you are. But from now on, I promise not to run away anymore. I have FINALLY come to terms with the real reason why losing weight is taking way longer than I should. 

I am addicted to food. 

There. I said it.

Food is my crack. I have written these words before, but I don't think I've ever actually meant them. 

A girl I BARELY know sent me a link to Overeaters Anonymous recently. I have been terrified ever since then. Even though people have suggested I join in the past, they were people who know me very well.

 I honestly feel like a meth head right now. 

This girl. This girl who really doesn't know anything about me saw through my walls.

 A meth addict can cover up their addiction for a long time. But then their teeth start to rot. 

The signs of addiction WILL eventually start to show. No matter what your drug is. If you're an alcoholic, you will eventually develop a beer gut, liver damage, visible popped blood vessels....

Here's how food addiction works: the motivation is always there, but why are the pounds?

This girl saw my addiction plain and clear. She didn't need to know me very well. I've hidden the symptoms as long as I can. They're showing. I've let my addiction control me for too long.

I got this facebook message in response to my post:

"Kicking food addiction may be harder than kicking heroin like I did. Your body needs much less heroin than food to survive. It will kill you just as fast though. You can do it if I did."

Whoa. This is some real-life shit, folks.This message made my heart stop. I really don't think my heart was beating for several seconds. I had to snap out of it and force myself to focus. My first thought was: I'm still here. After everything I have put my body through: I'm still here. I can and will overcome this addiction.

I love to exercise. I love to eat healthy food. I love EVERYTHING about a healthy lifestyle. But that means NOTHING when I give in to food. 

You know that Passenger song "Let Her Go?" No? Listen: 


This phrase: "Only know you've been high when you're feeling low."

Hits the spot. I've been feeling very low lately . Well, you can only get really low if you've been really high. 

I have been using food as my high for far too long. But here's the thing: How? Why?

When I use food as a drug, what feeling does it give me? I don't FEEL any better when I'm cramming pizza in my mouth. At least when I'm out drinking I get a buzz. That feels good at the time. The only similarity between drinking and eating is that I want more once I start. One shot? Yep, I'll take another. One slice a pizza? Hell yeah, I'll have two. It's like nothing will satisfy me. But I don't FEEL good when I'm binging. Drinking makes me giggly and happy. Smoking pot is relaxing. Binging is painful.

While drinking, you know you're going to be hungover in the morning, but you've already reached the level where it doesn't matter. You're having too much fun! It will be worth it! Pour another beer! What makes someone addicted to food when there are all these other drugs that actually give you a "high" feeling? Coke? Pot? Heroin? Why food? I had access to all these drugs in college. I chose to get high on food. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not saying I wish I was a pothead. Why food?

I have an EXTREMELY addictive personality. When I want something, I go after it and I WILL get it. I'm a go-getter and an overachiever. I have to be the best of the best of the best. The only problem is that I also get bored easily. Once I reach a certain level of achievement, I'm over it. 

I am scared to say this because I don't know if it's just "Motivated Lori" talking, or the "Real Lori"... but I think I am over my food addiction. Real Lori has issues. And she can be easily persuaded by "Crack Lori." Real Lori likes to stay in hiding until one of the other Loris acts out.

Even though I haven't been blogging lately, Motivated Lori has been kicking Crack Lori's ass. She left me this note when I got home from work so I wouldn't binge:


Motivated Lori has Lost 5 more pounds, and hasn't ordered pizza in months. 

Crack Lori? Well that bitch has been hitting the snooze button and skipping out on the gym. 

Well, like the proverbial angel and devil on each shoulder, I know good will eventually prevail. I just hope that Crack Lori doesn't take the real Lori down with her when she gets shoved off my shoulder. Motivated Lori can't do all the work. I need my whole self. The good and the bad. But I need the real Lori to balance everything out and do the damn thing!