Thursday, May 23, 2013

With Success, Comes Flailure

Everyone always says that you have to fail to be successful. In that case I should be the most successful person in the world! I have failed at losing weight so many times, success HAS to be near. I was talking to a friend yesterday about how I seem to be re-entering the usual failure slump and how hard it is to get back in the game. What she said was very interesting. She pointed out that people WANT to hear about struggles and failure. Failure is what makes us human. The truth is that I haven't actually failed yet. I'm not finished yet, so how can I be a failure? These slumps are all a part of meeting of my goals. I HAVE to start learning from my mistakes so I can get to the finish line. The fact that I keep getting back up and pressing onward means that I will finish. That friend told me that seeing someone face the same struggles you are is not only refreshing, it is comforting. Since these slips and lapses are not technically failures, I'm going to name them "flailiures." Which is not a word and is really hard to pronounce (try it). To "flail" basically means you are thrashing, lashing, or striking about violently or erratically. I think my binges are kind of like just flailing about. They are violent and erratic and just look pretty crazy. Kind of like this:



 Well, readers- let me tell you how I've been flailing lately. 




Do you know what this picture  is? Taco Bell. I woke up to this this morning only to be reminded of my flailure last night. To celebrate the end of May Sweeps at work, several of us went out for drinks. Alcohol is the root of all my evil. I drink too much, eat crappy food and spend too much money. After too many bushwhackers and beers I stopped at Taco Bell on my way home. I was not hungry. I didn't want it. I just ate it because I...  I don't know why. I ate so well yesterday and I was feeling so great about my day! Until I started drinking.  It was just crazy. I flailed about. I have been self-loathing and beating myself up all day. To make up for yesterday's flailures, I have been super good today, eating more kale than any one person should probably ever consume in a day!

 I got really depressed at the doctor Tuesday because her scale is totally different from my scale at home. MY scale says I weigh 290. HER scale says I weigh 306. WTF?? So you can imagine how bad that hurt me. How in the hell can there be that big of a difference? I have been slacking on my IronTribe workouts and I've been eating HORRIBLY since I got back from the beach. I haven't been counting my calories and I have just felt like poo. My crossfit coach basically told me that I need to get over it and just do it. She is totally right. I have nothing stopping me and no one can do it but me.

Another thing that has been getting me down is that I want to go back to Hilton Head Health so bad! But I have no more vacation time this year and I don't meet FMLA criteria to take a personal or medical leave. Which is total B.S., btw. But I won't go there. My doctor and my coach both really put things in perspective for me this week. I CAN do this on my own and I will. It's not easy and I will go crazy from time to time. As long as I can come off that crazy train and move forward I will get to where I'm going.


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