Thursday, October 31, 2013

50 down, Millions to Go

I'm staring at my scale.
 I get off.
 I get back on.
 I wiggle my butt, my toes...
I squat. I step on my tip toes. Lean back on my heels...
 No matter how I shift my weight around, I see it: I've lost 50 pounds.

It's like I don't want to believe it because it seems unreal.
50 pounds. That is a lot of poundage. 
Was that ME? Did I do that?
I think it's so hard for me to believe because I have had so many slips, epic fails, and back steps.
I mean shit, It's been two years since I started this journey and I've ONLY lost 50 pounds.

I look at current pictures of me and I am still just so disgusted by how I look.
It's almost like losing 50 pounds is making me more depressed than happy.
I've lost FIFTY pounds and I still need to lose OVER A HUNDRED MORE.

I am still an obese blob.

I am trying so hard to get myself out of this funk, but I can't help but to beat myself up. If a normal person lost 50 pounds they would blow away. But nooooo. Not me. I am so fat that I still have to lose more than what Snooki weighs.

Before you go blowing me up with compliments and advice not to have a pity party (that was awfully presumptuous, wasn't it? :), hear me out. This is MY blog and I can say what I want to. If I can't be honest with YOU, who can I?

I know that losing 50 pounds is no easy feat and I am very proud of myself.
But I look back at the last two years and I get so angry at how many times I have given into the cravings.
I have finally identified the root of my problems: food addiction. Why can't I just kick the habit? Cold turkey? That's how people stop smoking. Why can't I do that for food?

Speaking of bad habits, did you watch Breaking Bad? I did. It was awesome. You know how when Jesse was "using," his house was always disgusting? But when he was clean, so was his crib? That's how it is for me, too. When I am "using" food, my house is messy. My car is messy, I am a HOT. MESS. But when I am on top of my game, eating clean, and exercising regularly, everything else is aligned. Not to mention I am a lot less crotchety with my co-workers and friends. 

So, now that I have lost 50, how will I move forward to keep losing, instead of playing the world's tiniest violin? 

Step one: Identify the positive habits I've picked up. 

A) Breakfast. Every day. Healthy, wholesome, setting myself up for a great day. I honestly used to hate eating breakfast. Remember that? Now it literally is the reason I roll out of bed sometimes. 

B) Regular exercise. I feel like shit when I'm not exercising on the reg. I have more energy and it makes my heart happy. 

C) Appreciate simplicity. Eating heathy isn't all about fancy paleo recipes, or expensive organic produce. I've learned to REALLY enjoy simple ingredients. I was shocked to find that just a can of tuna fish and an avocado is one of my favorite meals! 

D) Identify the emotions attached to bad habits. Document the effects (red flags) and form new habits to tag along with the causes. I.e. Drink tea when stressed, not pizza. 

Step Two: Look bad habits straight in the face and kick 'em to the curb. 

A) Avoid fast food, fried food, anything that probably isn't good for you.  Keep track. 

B) Control the cravings. Pizza and tex-mex: my two favorite food groups. I will not give them up, but I will learn to eat them responsibly. If I go ahead and plan them in with my regular eating, I have found that I binge less frequently. I don't feel as deprived. 

So there you have it. It's taking a long time, but I can see the final destination. It's getting close. I've still got a lot more stops along the way, and I know there will be delays. But once I finally land at my goal, I know it will be nothing but happy days ahead. No more pity parties. 

1 comment:

  1. I think I'm in the same boat you are. I've lost 55 pounds and I've been stuck there for three months because I can't control my eating. It's an addiction just like alcohol and drugs can be. I'm slowly starting to identify what my triggers are and I'm working to correct them. I know it's hard and I'm cheering you on! I want you to get to your goals too!