I'm Still Here

Yesterday I wrote this post on my facebook page:

"I know I haven't written a post in a while. I'm still here. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff. One is my admittance of an addiction to food. As I struggle to come to terms with it, I find myself retracting from the world. This is this one thing I've been avoiding. I can make myself run marathons, or eat on a strict healthy regimen, but it all falls down when the addiction runs at me full force. I'm still here. I'm still with you. Every obstacle, every achievement, every confusing moment... I'm still here."

This post got more response than anything I've ever posted. No, it doesn't have 8,000 likes, or a bazillion comments, but I was slammed with private messages, phone calls, and texts.  

This is why I blog. Even though I've been a real shit lately and haven't blogged in a month, I AM still here. I am struggling just like you are. But from now on, I promise not to run away anymore. I have FINALLY come to terms with the real reason why losing weight is taking way longer than I should. 

I am addicted to food. 

There. I said it.

Food is my crack. I have written these words before, but I don't think I've ever actually meant them. 

A girl I BARELY know sent me a link to Overeaters Anonymous recently. I have been terrified ever since then. Even though people have suggested I join in the past, they were people who know me very well.

 I honestly feel like a meth head right now. 

This girl. This girl who really doesn't know anything about me saw through my walls.

 A meth addict can cover up their addiction for a long time. But then their teeth start to rot. 

The signs of addiction WILL eventually start to show. No matter what your drug is. If you're an alcoholic, you will eventually develop a beer gut, liver damage, visible popped blood vessels....

Here's how food addiction works: the motivation is always there, but why are the pounds?

This girl saw my addiction plain and clear. She didn't need to know me very well. I've hidden the symptoms as long as I can. They're showing. I've let my addiction control me for too long.

I got this facebook message in response to my post:

"Kicking food addiction may be harder than kicking heroin like I did. Your body needs much less heroin than food to survive. It will kill you just as fast though. You can do it if I did."

Whoa. This is some real-life shit, folks.This message made my heart stop. I really don't think my heart was beating for several seconds. I had to snap out of it and force myself to focus. My first thought was: I'm still here. After everything I have put my body through: I'm still here. I can and will overcome this addiction.

I love to exercise. I love to eat healthy food. I love EVERYTHING about a healthy lifestyle. But that means NOTHING when I give in to food. 

You know that Passenger song "Let Her Go?" No? Listen: 

This phrase: "Only know you've been high when you're feeling low."

Hits the spot. I've been feeling very low lately . Well, you can only get really low if you've been really high. 

I have been using food as my high for far too long. But here's the thing: How? Why?

When I use food as a drug, what feeling does it give me? I don't FEEL any better when I'm cramming pizza in my mouth. At least when I'm out drinking I get a buzz. That feels good at the time. The only similarity between drinking and eating is that I want more once I start. One shot? Yep, I'll take another. One slice a pizza? Hell yeah, I'll have two. It's like nothing will satisfy me. But I don't FEEL good when I'm binging. Drinking makes me giggly and happy. Smoking pot is relaxing. Binging is painful.

While drinking, you know you're going to be hungover in the morning, but you've already reached the level where it doesn't matter. You're having too much fun! It will be worth it! Pour another beer! What makes someone addicted to food when there are all these other drugs that actually give you a "high" feeling? Coke? Pot? Heroin? Why food? I had access to all these drugs in college. I chose to get high on food. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not saying I wish I was a pothead. Why food?

I have an EXTREMELY addictive personality. When I want something, I go after it and I WILL get it. I'm a go-getter and an overachiever. I have to be the best of the best of the best. The only problem is that I also get bored easily. Once I reach a certain level of achievement, I'm over it. 

I am scared to say this because I don't know if it's just "Motivated Lori" talking, or the "Real Lori"... but I think I am over my food addiction. Real Lori has issues. And she can be easily persuaded by "Crack Lori." Real Lori likes to stay in hiding until one of the other Loris acts out.

Even though I haven't been blogging lately, Motivated Lori has been kicking Crack Lori's ass. She left me this note when I got home from work so I wouldn't binge:

Motivated Lori has Lost 5 more pounds, and hasn't ordered pizza in months. 

Crack Lori? Well that bitch has been hitting the snooze button and skipping out on the gym. 

Well, like the proverbial angel and devil on each shoulder, I know good will eventually prevail. I just hope that Crack Lori doesn't take the real Lori down with her when she gets shoved off my shoulder. Motivated Lori can't do all the work. I need my whole self. The good and the bad. But I need the real Lori to balance everything out and do the damn thing!

Happiness out of Habit

I have been at my current job for a year and a half now. 

 During this time I've had the exact same work schedule. This is the longest period of time I have ever had a consistent work schedule. Before the start of my current job I worked multiple jobs, all hours of the day, or at one job with varying shifts.

What does this have to do with anything?

Everything. 

Having a consistent work schedule has allowed me to uncover all my habits and the emotions that go along with them. When I was working from 10am-7pm one day, then 5pm-2am the next, it was impossible to see the patterns of my emotional eating.

It was a normal payday Thursday, with nothing particularly special about it. The weather was mild, I had a few hours before I had to be at work, and there was nothing too crazy on my impending schedule. I found myself at the grocery store, buying a shit ton of groceries, and spending a shit ton of money. Then I found myself at the mall, wanting to buy clothes. Out of nowhere a light bulb illuminated my entire conscience. I realized that EVERY payday I find myself doing the same thing: buying food, going out to eat before work, and buying clothes or some other "thing" that I don't need. It got me wondering: what other habits do I have? And why do act in these patterns?

A motivational speaker once gave me the idea to use "Red Flags" as a means to pinpoint behaviors attached to emotions. Every time I slip, binge, or do anything out of impulse, I will mark a red flag so that I can associate emotions with their corresponding habits. They're right there on the side of my fridge, so I can't miss them. 

That's right- one of them says "ice cream for breakfast."  

I actually ate ice cream for breakfast. 

Habits are incredible things. And they are hard to break. With this consistent work schedule I am amazed at what all I have been able to uncover. They don't just appear out of nowhere!

•When I get stressed about money I spend more money!

•When I am feeling any sort of negative emotion, I eat. 

•When I get stressed at work, I reach into the candy drawer and eat. 

•When I am feeling down I skip my workouts. 

•When I am in a full-on emotional eating, not exercising, funky kind of mood, I let my house get dirty and neglect my chores. 

This made me delve deeper. 

When I am "on it," and in charge of my emotions, what habits follow suit?

•I'm saving money. 

•My house is tidy.

•I'm consistently taking Ziggy for long walks (well, you know they're not TOO long lol).

• I am at my CrossFit classes 3 times a week. 

•I'm running/walking on my dinner breaks. 

•I'm eating healthy and saying no to "bad" food. 

So what if I MAKE myself clean my house, take Ziggy for a long-ish walk, run on my dinner break? No matter how I feel? Will my emotions attach themselves to my actions the same way they do in reverse? 

I have told myself NO! a lot recently because I have been able to identify the emotions with their pending actions. It's incredible that a little consistency in my life has led me to these realizations. 

We binge eat because we are terrified to face the emotions we are feeling. 

What will happen to me if I let myself get engulfed by my sadness? Or my loneliness? Or my anger? 

It's scary to think about. 

But those emotions are ME. They are inside of ME. I can control them. Just like I can control the bag of chips that is OUTSIDE of me. 

I told a good friend of mine that I am really going to cut back on drinking. He asked why and I told him it's because of food. Further explanation: I eat crap food when I drink. I can deal with the 100 calories per glass of wine, but I can't deal with the 5,000 calorie binge that follows. His response? Well, you can control that! No. I can't. That's the problem. When I have had too much to drink, I want to go to Taco Bell at 2am. Since I have established a problem with the drinking + crap food habit, the next step is to eliminate the catalyst.

I also looked back into my memory file of what I do every time I want to really pipe down and get serious about losing weight. It's crazy!!! I literally do the SAME thing each time. I buy something shiny and new to give me motivation (a new journal, a new water bottle, a new sports bra, etc...), I spend a bazillion dollars at the Farmers' Market, vowing to eat clean all week, no cheating. I write inspirational notes and litter my condo and workspace with them....

It's time the break the habits and form new ones that will get me to my goal. 

I am a little bit nostalgic sometimes and I tend to take more pictures than anyone I know (in case you haven't noticed). Luckily I have been this way my whole life. That's ONE habit that definitely hasn't changed! I flipped through some old scrapbooks the other day to try and remember what my old habits were when I was truly healthy and happy. 

When was the last time I was truly healthy and happy? I'm not really sure, but I'm thinking it had to have been back when I was in high school! This is nothing too unusual, a lot of people were at their best shape at 18, and most people were pretty happy at that time in their lives. So what changed? What habits did I let go of over the years on my journey to unhappiness? And what did I replace them with?

 I played tennis for about 2 hours with a guy I work with a few weeks ago. It was HOT. And I was sweating more than I have in a long time. I was exhausted. I loved it. I remember feeling HAPPY. Truly happy. Tennis makes me happy. Why did I stop playing regularly? 

I went to dance class with some friends a few weeks ago. HAPPY. I had a blast! Genuine H-A-P-P-Y.

 I was a cheerleader growing up, and also in college. Why I did stop dancing?

The outdoors.

 I have made it a point to be on the water a lot this summer as part of my exercise plan (also because I miss the beach so much- rivers and lakes are the next best thing). It has made me very happy. Why did I stop exploring?

Pizza. Apparently pizza has always been a nemesis of mine. I found this note written by my stepfather when I was 5. So what's the answer to the riddle? Do I eat pizza because I'm fat? Or am I fat because I eat pizza?

Cooking. I have ALWAYS loved to be in the kitchen. This hasn't changed. 

So now that I have identified some actions that appear to make me happy, as well as the ones that tag along with unhappiness, what's the next step? 

Make happiness a habit. 

When I find myself letting my house get messy, clean it. Play tennis. Go to a dance class. Form happy habits. Get rid of the unhappy ones. Continue to identify emotions attached to negative actions. 

Make new habits easy to form. 

For example: I have been trying to replace late night snacks with a cup of hot tea. Something I NEVER would have done in the past. In fact, I didn't even know I liked hot tea until recently. I can put them away if I have company, but just for my benefit, the boxes are out there in the open in plain sight.

When I want to binge eat, or do something that impulsive, I must ask myself this question: "Isn't there something better for me to do?" This is in front of my fridge right now, waiting for me when I get home.

Habits. They're like leeches. Make sure only the good ones are lingering around.

Plus Size Shopping

If you've ever gone plus-size shopping you will totally relate to this post. 

Because it SUCKS. 

•You are constantly running into "plus size sections" of stores that look like this:

REALLY?? THIS is your plus size section? Two ugly ass shirts and 1 ugly ass pair of pants? Like, why did you even advertise that you carry plus size? Ugh.

•Next: You see a super cute seer sucker dress that comes in a large variety of sizes... except large sizes:

•You feel so ashamed about shopping in the "woman" section...

Once I overheard a lady say: "Oh, wrong section. I must not be a 'woman' because I'm not plus size!" She sounded so offended, as if she's not a 'woman' because she isn't overweight. I could see that. But I'm not sure what wording would be better. Big and Tall definitely wouldn't go over well. 

•And this: You have to pay 2, 3, sometimes 4 times the amount as regular sized clothing for the same styles:

I was in a friend's wedding not too long ago and I literally had to pay TWICE as much for my bridesmaid dress as the other girls. For "extra fabric." And you know they force you to buy them in a bigger size, so I had to pay even more money to have it taken in! It ended up costing $300 while the other girls only had to pay around $200. Total bullshit. AND it was hideous.

I love to shop and I love to be fashionable. I am constantly getting compliments on my attire, doting on the fact that I know "how to dress for my size." Well, I'm not sure what that means, but if it includes wearing mainly cotton dresses and leggings to cover up my wobbly bits... then yeah! I do that well :) 

I am seriously SO tired of wearing frikin cotton! I want to wear something with buttons, or silk, or a-line!! ANYTHING other than stretchy material. Oh, and JEANS!!! Every pair I have is stretchy. How about tucking a shirt in? That would be nice to do (thank you, fupa). And belts? Only if they're empire waist! I swear, when I finally get this weight off, you will NEVER see me in a damn cotton dress ever again (unless it's just really super cute :). I am so tired of pilfering through my closet for what I can wear, instead of what I want to wear. I own approximately 87 tanks to wear under shirts to cover up anything that might pop out, 2 of every color legging, and more peplum dresses than any one person should ever possess.

 

Cotton dress central:

 

 

 

 All that being said, I got so excited when I went to Macy's today. Michael Kors has a plus size line there! And it was all so cute!!

It was so refreshing to find real, fashionable clothes that didn't include elastic waistbands, empire waists, and an overload of ruffles. I even found this adorable cotton Ralph Lauren nautical dress that made me high-five myself. 

I know that clothes are just things and that there are so many more important things that I should be worried about. I don't have diabetes, or any life-threatening disease... but looking good makes me feel good. And feeling good puts me in a good mood. And being in a good mood helps me focus on my goals. 

 

I ended up not buying anything today because I had a BIG, Plus-Size thought: It's going to be SO much fun shopping for skinny clothes! Why waste money now on clothes that (hopefully) will not fit in 2 months? Clothes are a reward for me. I will not reward myself with clothes. I don't deserve them right now. For so long I've rewarded myself with food or the occasional glass (bottle) of wine, I have lost sight of some of the things that ALSO make me happy: new clothes, mini weekend trips, mani/pedis, facials, etc...

 

From now on, whenever I feel the need to splurge on something that tastes yummy as a "reward," I will find something else to treat myself with.

Craving, with a Twist

A co-worker brought me this lovely delicious Caramel Ribbon Crunch coffee today. 

 I enjoyed EVERY last sip. I was scared to look at the nutrition facts online, but I had to do it. Every single thing you put in your body counts. Even if you don't want to know! It was a tall, so the total calories were 390!!!! %#$#$%$#% I won't repeat the sugar. I got sick to my stomach when I looked at it. But, I drank it and now I must adjust the rest of my day. It was so good I wondered how I could modify it in the future. With nonfat milk and no whip cream it still packs a whopping 260 calories, but that's a lot better!

Most chain restaurants are posting their nutrition facts now. I know that when you eat out you are planning on splurging, but that doesn't mean you can't to it smartly! Look at the labels and find how you can modify while still satisfying your craving.

Food Baby

I have a big announcement...

I had a food baby today!

I don't know WHY I did it, but I ate pizza last night. Real life, cheesy, delivered... pizza.

I have been doing so well lately, too! I mean REALLY well. I played tennis Saturday morning for two hours (I won btw), went for a 4 mile hike Sunday morning, and I even split a piece of cake at a party Saturday night! I've exercised every single day for weeks, and I haven't been drinking any alcohol. I am so mad at myself! I have been beating myself up all day today. Actually, I beat myself up all night after I did it, too. 

How did it happen? I was at a friend's pool during the day and I was starving the whole time. While I was chilling at the pool I planned a nice healthy dinner for myself in my head- I was supposed to go to a friend's house for dinner. But the minute I got in my car my hunger dominated me. I was completely controlled by my craving for pizza. I ordered it before I even left my friend's pool! It was delivered within minutes of me getting home.

Want to know something? I didn't even enjoy it. It legitimately did not taste good at all. I was thinking to myself that my homemade pizzas tasted so much better! And I was full after far less than what I used to eat back in my consistent binge days. I ordered thin crust, which is something I once would have considered a travesty. Since pizza is a total weakness of mine, I have been reserving the real deal for when I go out to a good local pizza place. The delivery service I usually order from during pizza binge mode was totally sub par this time but yet I continued to eat it. 

It was greasy and I regretted every bite.

I was so mad at myself afterwards that I started to cry. Like a baby. The kind of cry that stops your nose up for a long time afterwards.

This morning I felt so bloated and lazy that I didn't even get up and go to my crossfit class. I just wanted to lay around all day. Which I did. I went to the pool and layed out for 2 hours. Hating every second of my bad decision the night before. As I was laying there I felt like a beached whale. I was seriously scared someone was going to yell: megalodon!!! He DOES exist! My stomach was so big, someone could have literally fit inside there. Like, a 27 pound baby. Ugh! I felt AWFUL!

I learned a lot from this pizza.

 I have changed. I am no longer the person I used to be. I am truly not the person who can eat a whole pizza without regret. 

I am no longer the person who can binge and move on. My feelings after a binge used to just get sucked back in and covered up.

For the first time ever, the aftereffects of this binge stayed with me. They didn't just get covered up and forgotten about. They were left sitting in my stomach kicking around, begging to be released.

After 24 hours of self-loathing, regret, guilt, and stomach pain (literally), I had the food baby (again, literally. but i won't go into those details).

All the labor pains of this food baby were building up to the birthing moment. That moment where I was able to realize that I no longer carry this "food" with me everywhere. I no longer feel the need to nurture my cravings and feed them.
I like the new me, and I honestly don't see myself ever going back to being a food baby mommy, constantly feeding it things that aren't conducive to my health.

Fly away little food baby! Run free! :) 

Running is a Mean Girl

Hey, remember back in the day when I said I hate running?

Well, I still hate it, but in a different way. I hate it because it makes me an outcast. I want to be the best at it, and I want to be in its cool little club. So, like most things in my life that aren't working in my favor, I must make some changes! 

 I feel like running hates me, no matter how hard I try to be its friend. So like the annoying non-plastic girl trying to fit in... I secretly hate it, but I want to be it.

I have done a few 5Ks and triathlons, and I loved all of them. I enjoy the thrill of racing with hundreds, all trying to break a PR. I have a 5K coming up next weekend and I really want to break my own PR. The quickest I  ever ran one in was 40-something. Maybe 46? So... please, running? Won't you be my friend?

 I have been running every night on my dinner break for weeks now.

Don't worry, I have the selfies to prove it:

NOT GETTING ANY BETTER AT IT.

I am the slowest runner in the history of America. I ran the whole 5K distance today before work and it took me 53 minutes!! WTF? I want to be in the cool running club so bad, with the cool outfits, and the cool shoes... but it hates me. I feel that no matter how much I do it, I don't get any faster/better.

Another reason running hates me: I feel like I'm a damn circus act when I'm doing it.

 I HATE running past people. Every single one of them ALWAYS has to flash me this "you go girl" smile. The one that just screams: "Hey! Fat girl running! That's amazing!!" That's not just in my head. I OBSERVE. 

The same people who flash me that smile (and some give me a thumbs up, too) don't pay ANY attention to the twig bitches running. ONLY me. It's like: oh, the skinny girls- this is their normal, they do this all the time (OBVS), but the FAT GIRL- clearly this is her first time running ever. Therefore, I MUST flash her an annoying "you go girl" smile. 

I have tried to be positive about this. I have even had thoughts that maybe seeing me run is the catalyst for someone ELSE to make a lifestyle change. Or maybe seeing me run was the little motivational boost some (I'm going to say it) little twig bitch needed that day to finish her run. I love helping people get healthy. It's what I do. These are things I should focus on. And hey, it's better than being made fun of, right?

All this is washed away by my pride when I get that stupid smile flashed my way. And if I see one more thumbs up I might scream. 

Running hates me. I will never fit in.

After my nightly run yesterday, a co-worker asked me: "Hey, did you just go walking!?  That's awesome!" 

First of all: No. No, I did not go "walking!?" I went running. But, I'm not going to be the overly defensive clown who corrects her. So I smiled and said: "yep! thanks!" 

Secondly: why is that so damn "awesome!?" People walk on their lunch/dinner breaks all the damn time. Since the beginning of time I'm pretty sure.

I know I'm being ridiculous, but I'm so tired of being the sore thumb of the running world. I want so badly to be able to run. Like, really run. I am paranoid that I'm going to blow a knee cap, or have a heat stroke, or die. In my crossfit workouts I have a running handicap of 8,000. It always slows me down. It's infuriating!!

I guess the only thing to do is to just. keep. going. And maybe if I keep telling running that I love it, it will love me back. Perhaps running has certain rules that I just don't know about yet. Should I wear pink on certain days? Run around in a santa costume? Who knows. 

To prove my love for running here is an instagram picture I made:

And here is a Pinterest picture:

Speaking of my run today... it nearly killed me. My dumbass decided to go run a 5K at 11:30am. IN AUGUST. And there is basically no shade on the trail. I felt fine during the run. Besides sweating profusely. Once I got back in the house I got these crazy goosebumps and I felt nauseous. I almost blacked out in the shower and I felt like I was going to faint. No amount of water was making me feel better.  I believe I was dehydrated. It was kind of scary. See?

 Running hates me. She is a mean girl.

Grilled Corn with Chili BBQ Marinade

The grill:

I admit I have felt pretty intimidated by it in the past. There's smoke, fire, weird tools... 

And don't forget about the HUGE responsibility and understanding that you if you take on the role of grillmaster at a gathering you will NOT muck up everyone's lunch. Or subsequent good time for that matter! 

The grill has so much to offer and I have found it hard for me to muster up the courage to play with it.

Since I am a fierce competitor, my relationship with the grill unsurprisingly began as a challenge.

A friend of mine had a cookout recently (obviously, because in the south it's not a party without food). Usually the men take over the grill, but this friend of mine was a sorceress of the flames. As an only child, I shamefully admit I started to redden with jealousy over the compliments to the chef.  I can cook like her. What am I so afraid of?  It got me wondering why I don't take advantage of my grill. I mean, I cooked in a restaurant kitchen over a commercial grill 5 days a week for 7 years and loved it! 

It was time I tested my limits with the thrill of the grill!!!

Since I live in a condo, I have to share a grill with my neighbors, but it's a nice one and it's connected to a gas line. First things first, I invested in one of those weird tools I cautiously eye in the store:

Once I got comfortable with it, I started small. 

Grilled squash and zucchini, kabobs, burgers, and the like. 

Then some chicken with some local spices:

I was getting pretty used to this! In fact, I think my addictive personality might have me overdoing it a little bit. Can too much charred food be bad for you?? **shrugs shoulders.** It IS summer after all.

One of the many perks of working in television news is the freebies. Concert tickets, sporting events, home and garden show passes, corn... That's right: we did a story on the local corn industry and we all got to take some home. What was I going to do with it? Grill it of course! The result? Hands down, the best corn ever. 

Grilled Corn with Chili BBQ Marinade

The What:

•3 whole corn husks

•1/2 cup olive oil

•1/4 cup BBQ sauce

•2 tablespoons chili sauce

•1/2 teaspoon each of: cumin, coriander, garlic powder, salt, pepper, cayenne

The How:

• Peel husks back and discard the silk. Leave the stalk and the majority of the husk. 

 •Soak in cold water for about 30 minutes.
•Whisk together the marinade ingredients.

•Grill in husk for a few minutes on each side (this will help retain moisture).

•Peel husks back and coat with marinade with a brush.

•A lot of the husk may catch fire, but don't freak. It will burn to ash very quickly.

•Grill for about 5 minutes on each side. Slather that marinade on there liberally, use it all! Turn corn over several times. 

•Cook corn to your liking. I personally like it still a little firm, so definitely cook it longer if you want to!

If there's leftover marinade, feel free to bathe in it!

 (kidding, don't bathe in it. There's spicy stuff in there).