The Fear of "Being Found Out"

"One of our greatest fears is the fear of being found out. It's why we spend so much time posturing and pretending to be someone we're not. We spend so much time trying to cover the mistakes of our past that we truly don't even know who we are anymore. While we fear being found out, we simultaneously long to be fully known and fully loved. But here's the problem: you can only be loved to the extent that you are known." -Pete Wilson

Isn't that a great quote? My biggest fears aren't tangible. While I had rather not have a snake or a mouse cross my path, I'm not "scared" of them. Heights, deep water, darkness, zombies, vampires, big foot... ....meh. I can do with or without. What I am afraid of is people "finding out" what I dub "the real me." My binge habits, the messiness and the clutter in my house that pair themselves with one of my binges. Or the fact that sometimes when I'm really depressed and lazy I just slide my porch door open and let Ziggy "go" out there instead of giving him the attention and the exercise he deserves with a walk.

Andy Stanley says that the "reason we fear the consequences of confession is because we've yet to realize the consequences of concealment."

I am fearful of someone walking in my house and seeing my dishes piled up or the clutter all over the place. I'm normally a VERY neat and organized person... unless I've gone on a binger. I have not dealt with the "consequences of concealment" because I just simply don't let people in my house during these times. I am able to hide it. I conceal it. Therefore, I am afraid of what will happen if I confess these habits to someone. What will they think? Will I become nasty to them? Will they treat me like I deserve to be on an episode of hoarders or something?

If we are hiding our bad habits from the people who love us, we are not letting them love the whole us. Their love stops at that point where we close the door on them. For me, the love and support of my friends and family is my biggest support system. How can I expect them to do their job as cheerleaders if they don't see the whole picture? I'm not saying that you should leave your house in a rat-infested wreck just to "admit" it to someone, but confessing that you are hiding things is the first step towards letting someone in to a part of you that has been quarantined and cut off for a very long time. Do you eat while your spouse is sleeping? Do you sneak off and get fast food when someone thinks you're running errands? Do you eat the leftovers off of your family's plates while you're cleaning up? Do you stash candy away for future cravings?

Stop hiding. Face your fears head on and let them go away.

Here's an example of a fear I overcame: I don't know why, but all of a sudden in college I started getting extremely nervous when I had to stand in front of the class and give presentations and speeches (hard to believe, I know).  I had spoken and performed in front of people my entire life and I loved being on center stage! I've played my cello in front of hundreds of people hundreds of times and loved each time. I remember the day that fear got the best of me--- it was in my first marketing class. I don't remember what the speech was, but I was soooo nervous. I shook, my voice was shaky, I stumbled over my words... I was a hot mess. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so nervous. Since I knew that I was going to be entering a career where I had to present myself in front of a lot of people, I wasn't having it. For the rest of college I volunteered to be the speaker for every group project, I spoke at my sorority meetings, I did anything I could do to help me overcome this fear that just came out of no where. It was very scary the first several times after that marketing speech. I was afraid the night before, the morning of, and during. Even afterwards I was still rattled. But I kept doing it until that fear was gone. I was STILL SPEAKING while I was afraid. I grasped fear and fought it. Now I give a presentation every single day at work and I love it!

I could not have overcome my fear of speaking in public had I not thrown myself in the ring and fought it. I would still be scared to this day.

Think about something you are afraid of. What have you done to fight that fear? The fear that's associated with our food addiction, binge eating disorder, unhealthy habits, etc... is the only thing keeping us from overcoming. If we are afraid of what lies on the other side, why in the world would we want to cross the bridge that takes us there? Who knows what waits for us! But isn't it better to try crossing the bridge and taking a look, than to stand there wondering for the rest of our lives? Think about how much time you've already wasted wondering how much better your life might be if you finally lost the weight you've been carrying around for 10 years? I mean, if you absolutely hated being thinner and healthier, you could always just go back to your fatter and more miserable self, right?

I am afraid of what I will do when I give up my habits. If I never binge again, what will I look forward to? I enjoy sitting my ass on my couch watching tv with a big bowl of cheesy pasta by myself.
Wait a minute, that sounds horrible when I say that out loud. "Sitting on my ass watching tv with a big bowl of cheesy pasta...by myself." Ugh. If someone gave me 3 choices of how I could spend my afternoon and that was one of them I would laugh.
Point being: How can I be afraid of losing something that I don't even really  want to be doing in the first place?

Isn't losing weight just one big session of overcoming fears? Trying new food, doing new exercises, eating less, eating more, drinking less, drinking more water, finding accountability...These are all things that seem scary at first. But just like my fear of speaking- I am willing to face the fear of losing weight head on. I'm tired of wondering how wonderful my life could be if I finally crossed the bridge. No more hiding behind my fear.

An Obsession with being Compulsive

I have to get pretty beaten down before I let something affect me. So it's no surprise to me that "compulsive" is used to describe my overeating. When I set my mind to do something I become totally OBSESSED with it. I go above and beyond in every aspect possible. I will push and shove until I reach my goals. When I get to the point that my efforts become futile and external circumstances hinder me from reaching my perceived end result, it isn't pretty for anyone involved. I will push a barrel of bricks uphill for as long as I can. It will take something major happening for me to let it go. I have to be devastated repeatedly before I will give up. It is exhausting. While I am in said uphill battle, I totally forget that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, which is extremely dangerous. From work, to personal relations, to losing weight... It is nearly impossible for me to function like a normal human being. I want everything to be perfect, no glitches, no mistakes. And when my mental, physical, and emotional efforts prove useless, that barrel of bricks comes crashing down on everything and everyone involved in my efforts. Once I reach this point, it is nearly impossible for me to try again. I have seen it happen too many times. I become complacent and all the passion and energy I invested in it is either gone for good or transferred to my next obsession.

 Long time ago my mother told me about the first time she knew I had OCD: I was a toddler. She was in grad school (for a Ph.D. in therapy, by the way) and I was in one of her professor's offices. While no one was looking, I apparently re-organized all of her professor's books by color. I put all the reds together on the bookshelf, the greens, the blues, etc... It only got worse as I got older. I still have to have everything in my house in perfect order. I share a desk at work with multiple people and it absolutely drives me mad!

 I keep fighting with my compulsive behaviors with my losing weight efforts. It seems like I am so close, then BOOM! Brick wall. If I was HALF as obsessed with exercising as I was with wondering where my next meal is going to come from, I would be in a much better place.

I found this excerpt in a notepad I had laying around:

"I have just felt so horrible and fat and gross all day. I feel like my throat is gonna get swallowed up by my double chin. Disgusting. I keep wondering how I would feel had I NOT binged last night."

I don't know when I wrote this, or what I binged on the night before. What I DO know is that the after effects of a binge are the same. It doesn't matter if I ate an entire pizza before bed, or got drunk and ate Taco Bell at 3am... I feel horrible and crappy the next day. 

"Much as we hate to admit it, an honest review of our behavior as compulsive overeaters shows clearly that in spite of the strongest resolve to stop overeating, we continue. Night after night we go to bed gorged and disgusted; we get up the next morning full of undigested food and fresh determination to maintain control; and before the day is over, we have done it again. No amount of willpower can pull us out of the quicksand." --Elisabeth L., "Twelve Steps for Overeaters."

Step One of "Overeaters Anonymous" explains in detail why willpower is not enough. "We admitted we were powerless over food- that our lives had become unmanageable." What does this step mean for you? For me it means that I am controlled by an obsession with food. I will find myself in the drive through or at the grocery store without a solid memory of making a conscious decision to be there. It means that some piece of food is in my mouth before I even had time to think before I eat. 

Eventually this loss of power over food will make you hit rock bottom. My rock bottom has happened several times, but I always manage to get back on my feet again, only to slowly but surely sink back to the lowest of the lows. Remember: fat is a SYMPTOM of our illness. Fat is not the reason we're sick. I know I repeat this in every blog, but food addicts are no different that alcoholics or meth heads. The symptoms of addiction are not the problem. Our illness is the problem. My symptoms? Obesity, bad skin, indigestion, heart problems, PCOS, high blood pressure, depression, unstable emotions, extreme anxiety, sleep apnea, and general bitchiness. I'm like a ticking time bomb for a life-threatening disease. 

I love Elisabeth L.'s description on how recovery begins: "Recovery begins when we admit defeat and declare bankruptcy." What a concept: Declare 'bankruptcy' to begin recovering. Wipe everything out and start all over. Never you mind all of the things in your past that haven't worked. This is a new solution to the problem. Let the barrel of bricks go; start a new battle. 

I have made remarkable steps in my food addiction recovery. Really my main problem now is binging when I get home from work. That has always been my main problem, but I have learned to manage a lot of my other bad habits. I am so unhappy with my work schedule (the schedule, not the job itself), that I get all in a tizzy at work because some random something leads me to get depressed and angry and anxious every night. I work Mon-Fri until 10:30 at night. The worst schedule known to man. I feel like I am so deprived of so many great things I could be doing with my life. I see my friends out at dinner, at wine club, book club, evening bike rides, at a concert, etc... and I get so down! I have a high stress job, so the first thing I want to do when I get off is... eat! binge! drown my sorrows in something crunchy, cheesy, and salty. I do it so that all of the other emotions of the evening will disappear. Then I move on to new emotions: guilt, regret, and shame. Which makes things worse. 

Even though I feel like I have pinpointed an exact reason for one of my compulsive overeating behaviors, that circumstance is impossible to change. My hours will not change unless I get a new job. So since this is not something I am willing to do, I am learning what can be changed inside when external conditions cannot be changed. 

Guilt, regret, shame: the 3 emotions I like to call the "maskoteers." They stick together and they're tough as hell. They're basically all the same word, but with slight variations, Shame tends to mean that you know you did something wrong. Guilt means you don't feel great about a decision because someone probably got the shaft. (That person is usually you when it comes to your food addiction). Regret is the worst of them all. Regret takes your past and throws it in front of you every chance it can so that you never move on. These emotions mask what is really going on and they hinder your ability to recover. They are coming straight from that "dealer" inside your head. Your dealer wants to keep you down. Who makes good decisions when they're riddled with negative emotions? I know I don't. If I'm feeling shameful and regretful, I am not going to get off my couch. But if I'm feeling proud and happy, I am motivated to get up and move forward with the next healthy decision that is waiting for me.

My pastor (Pete Wilson) has a great saying: "Your past is not your past if it's still impacting your present. If you don't learn to transform the pain, you'll just transfer it." He also says that our past will determine how we respond to similar situations in the future. I interpret this to mean that if regret, shame, and guilt are still attached to your past, it will be nearly impossible to change how you react in the future. The maskoteers have got to go. Throw them out the window. They are toxic. Replace your memories, trick your dealer... tell yourself that you are truly grateful and pleased that you made mistakes in the past. You've been there done that so that your future can only get better! 

When I wake up feeling determined that TODAY will be the day that my journey continues towards the light and not the dark, I make a plan. I get excited about the plan and I feel great. But then the MINUTE by plan gets interrupted, I spiral downwards. My obsessiveness and compulsiveness start doing their thing and I lose all control. Then I start to feel: shameful, guilty, and regretful that I am not following my plan. Which makes my dealer happy, and the next thing I know, I am going to visit him on the corner of Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. 

I honestly don't think that there is a "cure" for compulsive overeating, but I think that setting rules, allowing slips, and reminding myself that it's okay to stray a little will help me stop obsessing over every little thing I do wrong and focus on what I am doing right! 

Food Addiction: The Science

This post comes with much hesitation and trepidation, but I am compelled to share the science behind food addiction with you. I hope you find it as amazing as I do. 

The first day of the "Food Addiction Recovery" workshop I attended at Hilton Head Health was dedicated to the research and the truth of food addiction. It was very hard to sit through, but it was enlightening to know the truth. Although I have paraphrased quite a bit, the majority of this post comes from the information I learned at the workshop.

I am a food addict. And it is real. No matter how many times I have written it and said it the past few months, I don't think I REALLY believed it until I saw the scientific evidence. So buckle your seat belts and embrace yourself for a mind-blowing scientific experience.

Yeah, Science!

2013 marked a year of groundbreaking food addiction science and it is now one of the fastest growing research studies in the U.S. Despite all that, you still can't get "officially diagnosed" as a food addict.
Obesity HAS, however, been defined as a brain disorder based on how food affects the brain. And like most diseases- if not managed or treated, it will eventually kill you.

Let's start with just defining addiction in general.

The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as:

A primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.
Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

Let's break this definition down a little bit.

Progressive: Addiction does not happen overnight. An alcoholic does not get drunk once and then immediately meets all the aforementioned criteria of an addict. But over time, they slowly but surely live up to the definition. A food addict might start with overeating by one slice of pizza. Then two, then three, then eventually binging on a whole pizza by themselves. The progressiveness of food addiction is the reason why we gain more after dieting.
Reward: What have you lost because of your food addiction? For me, I have cut time with loved ones short so that I could binge. The reward overpowered my ability to just "be present." As long as I am seeking a reward in the form of food, I am not fully present in whatever situation I'm in.
Relapse and Remission: "Coming clean" then going back to addiction. Hello: yo-yo dieting!

Some questions to ask yourself when it comes to accepting a food addiction are: How does your life revolve around food? How much money do you spend on food?

So now that we are pretty sure we have a food addiction based on that definition, how could it possibly be diagnosed?

Yale Food Addiction Scale is one tool.

Read the DSM-IV Substance Dependence Criteria:

Now, read the column on the right- they are observations from self-identified food addicts:

It seems pretty clear to me that uh... hell yeah! Food addiction is an addiction, just like any other.  (remember, I am not certified in medicine, psychology, or anything as related to this subject) Some psychologists argue that certain people are born with an "addictive personality" and that it is only a matter of time before they develop an addiction to a substance. There are many theories as to what actually "causes" a food addiction. Genetics, emotional stress and dysfunction with processing emotions, family history of addiction, neurotransmitter imbalance, nutritional deficiency, toxic food environment, food allergies and intolerance, metabolic disturbances, hormonal imbalance, compromised digestions, etc... If you want to really dig deep and get to the bottom of your addiction, talk to a psychologist or doctor. Personally, I feel that I am pre-disposed to addiction based on my family's history. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which goes hand in hand with Addiction.

Alright, so we've defined addiction in general, and we've diagnosed our addiction to food- what's next? Here comes the complicated part.

Take at look at these brain scans from Dr. Peeke's Website and see if you can tell which one's different:

The normal brain has some red stuff in it- what is that?
 THAT, my friends is a glorious neurotransmitter called Dopamine.
Dopamine is produced in the part of the brain that is associated with reward. It drives our behavior and is associated with survival. For addicts, it's the spike of dopamine that interests us, but unfortunately, that spike comes in the anticipation of eating, as opposed to the actual eating itself. We are rewarded before the food even reaches our mouths!! The reward of eating is blunted because our brain has been flooded with dopamine as we think about eating. The same thing happens in a cocaine user and an alcoholic. Non-addicts have the opposite effect. In this picture, the normal brain is having a dopamine spike during eating, whereas there is no red stuff in the obese brain during eating.

Addicts are constantly chasing a high of some sort because the reward is never there during the substance use. The actual consumption does not match the anticipation. Dopamine has to bond with a receptor. The addict's brain is so flooded during the anticipation, it can't attach to the act of eating because it got so overwhelmed beforehand. So this is what people mean when they say they are "numb" during binges. You aren't truly able to eat with your senses fully intact. Your brain is already worn out. In other words, a non-food addict actually enjoys eating more than a food addict. It's not actually the eating that we love so much, it's the thought of eating that keeps us chasing the high. but since our brains are hijacked by dopamine, we never feel satisfied, hence the constantly reaching for more.

Whew. That's a lot to take in, isn't it? I don't know about you, but learning that my brain looks the same as a cocaine user is not pleasant. In fact, it's effin' depressing. The good news is that it doesn't always have to be that way. Through mindful eating practices and overcoming addiction, we can learn to appreciate food as we're meant to: nourishment.

The way I look at food addiction now is that I have shifted the way I look at my weight problem, so now the solution has changed. It's not about eating better and exercising more (that's a no-brainer). It's about learning to control the addiction and managing it.

I have spent a lot of time blaming everything under the sun except for myself. There are some scientific findings that confirm food can be addictive i.e. sugar, but addiction cannot be completely blamed on that. BTW, did you know that sugar is addictive at a primitive level? No sweet foods found in nature are dangerous, so our primal minds tell us that sweet foods are safe. I would bet money that candy companies are aware of this :) Studies have shown that sugar stimulates the brain's reward centers through dopamine, just like other addictive drugs.

How do you overcome food addiction? 

First, you have to remove shame.
Shame is an emotion your addiction wants you to feel. Your "dealer" will do everything it can to keep the addiction going.I consider my dealer as that little voice in my head that constantly overpowers my will and leads me to binge. The dealer gives me 1,000 reasons as to why it's ok to overeat and overindulge.

Next you have to find what makes you aware of your addiction. For me, I ordered a pizza after accepting that I was a food addict and I did not enjoy it at all. That awareness helped me say no the next time my dealer started offering me some "drugs."

Say no to the foods that you KNOW are designed to keep you addicted: sugar products and highly palatable foods engineered by the food industry to go down easily (fast food and junk food).

"There's a biological basis for why it's so hard for millions of Americans to resist food. We are all wired to focus on the most salient stimuli in our environment. For some of us, it could be alcohol; it could be illegal drugs; it could be gambling, sex, or tobacco. For many of us, though, one of the most salient stimuli in our environment is food. And how do you make food even more salient? Fat, sugar, and salt." Former FDA Commissioner David Kessler, MD

Join a support group such as Overeaters Anonymous. Seek counseling. Ask a friend to be your confidant.

Come up with "Food Rules" that you just HAVE to stick to forever and ever. Right now I have two rules that I will follow for the rest of my life. I hope to eventually add more, but for now I am struggling enough to stick to just these:

1) I don't eat pizza. (I've been pizza-free for 8 weeks now)
2) I don't eat what I can't eat in front of others. (in other words, I don't binge. I have not stuck to this one quite as strictly)

The obvious one: Just say no.

Withdrawal will happen. 

And it sucks. And it will bring on lots of not-so-fun emotions. But remember that they are just that: emotions. You are not defined by them and it's just your addiction talking anyways. They'll go away eventually. When I decided to give up pizza for good I experienced a large amount of grief. And anxiety and depression, and sadness. As I was writing the words "I don't eat pizza" for the first time, I started crying. I know this may seem silly to some of you, but giving up something that I attached myself to for so many years as a way of coping was unfathomable. It's not just about the pizza itself, it's about the act of binging. Binging has blanketed me. It has held me as I deal with my problems. The intense fear that is brought on by giving this comfort up is hard to handle. But it is do-able. People overcome addictions every day.

Do Your Research.

Completely submerge yourself into the subject of food addiction. The only thing that seems to really be working for me right now is the constant reminder that I am, in fact, addicted to food. Read about it, Google it, write about it.
Some of my recommendations:
"The Hunger Fix" by Dr. Peeke
"Eat to Live" by Dr. Fuhrman
The Food Addiction Institute: http://foodaddictioninstitute.org/scientific-research/
Overeaters Anonymous: http://www.oa.org/

Will it go away?

This is just my opinion here, but I say no. I am on board with the scientists and psychologists who believe that there are two types of people: those born with addictive genes, and those who are not. I say this because I have some friends with addictions and some without. The ones without simply cannot fathom how someone cannot utilize self-control. The addicts get it. I know people with all kinds of addictions: food, drugs, alcohol, exercise, cigarettes, etc... I also know people who have become sober. I know for a fact that they are not "cured" just because they no longer overeat, smoke, or drink. The addiction struggle never goes away. Managing it gets easier, but the urges will always be there. Lisette, the woman who led the Food Addiction Recovery workshop at H3 labels herself as a "recovering food addict." She has kept her weight off for 7 years (and she looks amazing, btw), but she says she still has the same "monkey chatter" in her head whenever a food craving comes on. But because she has given herself tools and resources to manage her addiction, she is able to fight it.

This won't be the last of the food addiction posts. Please share your story with me, as well as any research you find! The more I learn about the subject, the more I'm motivated to "conquer" it!

Writing the Wrongs

I learned so much from Lisette Cifaldi's Food Addiction Recovery Workshop at Hilton Head Health this weekend, it is hard for me to know where to begin. I have several wonderful posts coming your way, but I will start with this letter that I wrote to my body. I am feeling really good about my future in this journey and I think that I have a whole new set of knowledge that you will benefit from. I encourage you to take a few moments to write a letter to yourself as well. You might be surprised at the words that appear.

Dear Body of Mine,

         First of all, thank you for putting up with everything I've put you through. I don't deserve to still be in such great health. You clearly love me way more than I love you. I continue to abuse you over and over again, but you are still there for me- standing tall. I never thought that I would be the abusive partner in a relationship; I've always considered myself a pretty loving and caring person. I have not loved you. I haven't given you the 5-star treatment  you deserve. I have called you horrible names. I have made fun of the ugly scars that I have given you (stretch marks).

          I want to change our relationship. I want to be healthy. Please forgive me for the repeated abuse I have inflicted on you. You don't deserve it. This is a new me and you. While I can't undo the physical damage I have riddled you with, I CAN release the heavy layers I've laid between us. All I ask is that you continue to bless me with your wonderful gift of life until we reach our goals. 

Love,

Lori

I mean honestly, if I spoke to my friends the way I spoke to myself and my body I would have NO friends left. No one would stick around with the way I treat myself! 

There are so many things that I am capable of doing that I don't give my body proper credit for:

-Triathlons and 5ks

-Running, hiking, kayaking, etc...

-Crossfit

-LIVING

-Smiling

-Writing

-Cooking

-Reading

-Walking

-Tennis

-Cello

I am so grateful that I am STILL able to do so many of my favorite things! After the DECADE of abuse I have put my body through, I really don't think that I deserve to still be able to do so many wonderful active things.I am so thankful that I still have my health today. Tomorrow? I will wake up and I will still be obese, and at risk for diabetes and heart disease. But I cannot continue to let myself think like that. For me to overcome this, I HAVE to "write the wrongs" and make things right. A negative body image will ONLY make things worse. 

Instead of focusing on everything I hate about my body, I need to focus on the things I love. We were supposed to come up with 5 things, but I can only come up with 3 for right now. I am working on this. Eventually I will fall in love with my body all over again and I will have hundreds of things I love!

-My quads (that's right- I love my killer quads)

-I love that I am strong

-My smile

Positive body image will happen over time and it is not something I can just "fake it until I make it." If I am feeling disgusted by the way I look, I can't fake liking it. I have actually cancelled plans because I simply did not like how I looked in anything I tried on. 

I HATE feeling great about the way I look and then seeing a picture of me later. It crushes any positive vibes I have going. Which... makes me eat.

It will take some time for me to right all the wrongs I have created, but for the meantime I can look at them head on and "Write the Wrongs."

Accepting the Truth

I got a lot of response to a recent post called "Fattict."

Since it created so much feedback, I wanted to delve into the subject a little more. 

The topic of food addiction seems to be gaining a lot of attention, and deservedly so. 

What is a fattict? Fat, addiction,and food- there is a connection: food addiction. And it is as real as the words you see on this paper. I have fallen victim. There are times when I think that I am just using it as an excuse for my years and years of harming myself with food. But then there are more days when I remember how powerless I have become over food. When a craving strikes I lose all control and my willpower goes out the window. It is scary and I know that I am not alone in this struggle. I have put my trust in the Twelve Step program mastermind by Bill Wilson in his renowned "Alcoholics Anonymous" program adapted for people like me: compulsive eaters. Overeaters Anonymous has saved my life, literally. Everyone says the end result is worth the effort, and I have finally given into that mantra. My reward: living through my thirties without diabetes and heart problems. I have spent all of my 20s addicted to food, feeling helpless and alone. I refuse to let another decade of my life be controlled by food. I want to live and I want to be happy!

It's easy to hide food addiction. Trust me, I've been there. I have spent years trying everything the world has to offer in terms of weight loss. Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Physician's Fast, P90X... just to name a few. There were even three months of my life when I was a strict vegan, then just a vegetarian. Not a single of them worked for me in the long run. It wasn't because I wasn't motivated to lose weight or because the programs don't work. They didn't work for me because I never once even thought to address the real problem: addiction. Who even things about being addicted to food? You have to have it in your life to survive. It's much easier to just think that you are doing the diet thing the wrong way, and that eventually one of them has to work for you. I even seriously considered having weight loss surgery, but I knew that without fixing my mind, it would fail. Just like all of my other efforts.
 

I am in the process of overcoming food addiction. I will fall and I will get back up again. Eventually, though- I will be able to invest enough of my self-worth into my own health and I know that you can do the same. Everything you read here is real. Nothing is made up. I am putting myself out there 100% in the hopes that at least ONE person can discover what I have: it is possible to win this war. 

So put that bag of chips down, and let's do this! Together!



Accepting The Truth

How in the hell did this Chalupa get in my mouth? Let's back step here. I'm in my car heading home from work. The next thing I know I am in the drive through at Taco Bell. How did I get here? I just ate dinner two hours ago, didn't I? What the hell am I doing? Did I actually have a conversation with myself to get here? Who decided I wanted to stuff myself with Chalupas instead of just taking my ass home to bed where I need to be? Oh well, I paid for it, so I'm going to eat it, aren't I? Ugh, the indigestion. Pop a Tums, move on. Keep binging. The next morning the first thing I see is the gigantic cup of Mountain Dew Baja Blast leaking all over my nightstand. Condensating asshole. So now, my day is ruined because I woke up to bad news: I binged on cheap tacos and now I hate myself and am unable to get over it all day. Less than 24 hours later there is a pizza delivered to my house. Large pizza all the meats? Scarfed down. Woof. Indigestion again. That pizza box by my front door is the last thing I see as I'm rushing out to work. Self-loathing ensues all day and I am a horrible bitch to everyone who crosses me.

Does anything of this sound familiar? Of course it does, that's why you read my blog. Did you think that you were the only person who is certifiably insane by means of repeating the food addiction cycle? You're not. Millions of people are addicted to food. I don't remember the moment it hit me, but damn I'm glad it did. It was at some point early Fall of this year. I spent every fucking year in my 20s giving in to cravings and binges. What a waste!

Accepting the fact that you are addicted to food is the first step to overcoming it. How do you know if you are a compulsive eater? Tally up your normal food intake. How much of it is ingested out of true hunger, and how much is from emotional eating? If the majority of your food intake is out of anything other than physical hunger, then yes- you might have a food addiction. Do you NEED food when you are dealing with strong emotions? Are you obese or overweight? Then yes, you might be a compulsive eater.

Acceptance doesn't happen in a few minutes, it can take months, days, or even years to truly realize how addicted to food you really are. It took almost a year for me to really realize how deep into addiction I am. I went to a health retreat in the spring of this year and attended an awesome "Emotional Eating" seminar by Lisette Cifaldi. Learning that emotional eating is a consistent pattern was the best thing to ever happen to me. We've all heard that people, especially women, "eat their feelings." Even the movies poke fun at this idea- it seems to be out there a lot. But is the bowl of ice cream you ate during that sappy Lifetime movie last night indicative of a lifestyle of food addiction? It very well could be.

Before you can move forward with dealing with "fattiction," you need to take a lot of time accepting the truth. Be patient. It is worth it. There are no quick fixes when it comes to your health. Think of an aged wine, or a barrel of Tennessee whiskey. Time is on your side, and in the end you will be the perfect blend of happiness and health. I'm not saying it is okay to sit around and make excuses for chowing down on nachos because you're in the "accepting stage," but don't get so down on yourself if you slip up. If you aren't falling down and getting back up, you aren't learning from your mistakes. I believe that eventually this acceptance will stop a binge in its tracks. When that happens, you are on the right track. I spent weeks researching food addiction, compulsive behaviors, and emotional eating. I KNEW that my problems had a cause, but it didn't click until I stopped myself from ordering a pizza because I asked myself: "are you doing this out of hunger or emotion?" Once I asked myself that, it was AMAZING how easy it is for me to put the phone down! There are definitely times when I totally make an excuse for myself, and go ahead with the binge. I actually tell myself: you are struggling with addiction, go ahead and eat that- feel bad afterwards. Teach yourself a lesson. But here's the zinger: I don't actually enjoy it! The numbness never comes. It's like pouring salt on a wound the whole time. It hurts while I do it, and it's not rewarding. The self-loathing starts with the first bite instead of like a lingering hangover the next day.

So how do you truly accept the depths of your addiction? I suspect that it won't happen until you are truly ready for it. Taking this journey with me is a damn good place to start, though. No one can make you face the truth. It's all on you. My suggestion is to start with a little bit old school: pencil and paper. Find a quiet place with no distractions. Sit on the toilet with the door closed if that's what you have to do. Leave the iPhone and your headphones alone. Just you, and your writing tools.

Here's what I want you to write down. DON'T look ahead at the next step. Do these one at a time

-Your favorite foods. The good AND the bad. Put them all on there. This is just you, remember? Leave some space after each one.

-Then I want you to describe your relationship with EACH food item. Answer these questions: What is my first memory of eating this food? When do I eat it? What am I typically feeling when I eat this food? Don't be scared of your answers.

-Next I want you to go back and circle every emotion you see written down. For each emotion you circle, give it its own sheet of paper and write it at the top.

-So now you have a fresh sheet of paper with an emotion written at the top. For example: sad. I will use "sad" throughout this exercise, but you need to do this for all the emotions. How many times did you circle the word "sad?" How many different food items was it paired with?

-Write all those food items down on sad's paper. So what have you just done? You have identified emotions with certain foods. Feeling the heat of a light bulb above you?

-Still on sad's paper, make a list of recurring times in your life when you feel sad. Leave space underneath each one. Example: "I feel sad when I am home alone."

Under this example, write a NEW habit that you can start doing with this instance.

Instead of eating Ben and Jerry's and watching The Notebook, I will make a cup of

hot tea and go for a walk. Once you have done this for EVERY emotion, read over

your words and keep it somewhere you will reference it often.

Do you see what you're doing here? You are accepting the fact that you use food as a drug to numb certain emotions. With this action plan, you are re-training your body with new habits! If you ALWAYS eat a pint of ice cream EVERY TIME you are at home alone feeling sad, your body will naturally crave that bad eating habit every time that emotion hits! I believe that we can trick our bodies into craving something healthy in the same way we trained it to crave something that is bad for us.

Accept that you are addicted to food and all the negatives that come with it, and you are ready to move forward with a healthier and happier you!