Writing the Wrongs

I learned so much from Lisette Cifaldi's Food Addiction Recovery Workshop at Hilton Head Health this weekend, it is hard for me to know where to begin. I have several wonderful posts coming your way, but I will start with this letter that I wrote to my body. I am feeling really good about my future in this journey and I think that I have a whole new set of knowledge that you will benefit from. I encourage you to take a few moments to write a letter to yourself as well. You might be surprised at the words that appear.

Dear Body of Mine,

         First of all, thank you for putting up with everything I've put you through. I don't deserve to still be in such great health. You clearly love me way more than I love you. I continue to abuse you over and over again, but you are still there for me- standing tall. I never thought that I would be the abusive partner in a relationship; I've always considered myself a pretty loving and caring person. I have not loved you. I haven't given you the 5-star treatment  you deserve. I have called you horrible names. I have made fun of the ugly scars that I have given you (stretch marks).

          I want to change our relationship. I want to be healthy. Please forgive me for the repeated abuse I have inflicted on you. You don't deserve it. This is a new me and you. While I can't undo the physical damage I have riddled you with, I CAN release the heavy layers I've laid between us. All I ask is that you continue to bless me with your wonderful gift of life until we reach our goals. 

Love,

Lori

I mean honestly, if I spoke to my friends the way I spoke to myself and my body I would have NO friends left. No one would stick around with the way I treat myself! 

There are so many things that I am capable of doing that I don't give my body proper credit for:

-Triathlons and 5ks

-Running, hiking, kayaking, etc...

-Crossfit

-LIVING

-Smiling

-Writing

-Cooking

-Reading

-Walking

-Tennis

-Cello

I am so grateful that I am STILL able to do so many of my favorite things! After the DECADE of abuse I have put my body through, I really don't think that I deserve to still be able to do so many wonderful active things.I am so thankful that I still have my health today. Tomorrow? I will wake up and I will still be obese, and at risk for diabetes and heart disease. But I cannot continue to let myself think like that. For me to overcome this, I HAVE to "write the wrongs" and make things right. A negative body image will ONLY make things worse. 

Instead of focusing on everything I hate about my body, I need to focus on the things I love. We were supposed to come up with 5 things, but I can only come up with 3 for right now. I am working on this. Eventually I will fall in love with my body all over again and I will have hundreds of things I love!

-My quads (that's right- I love my killer quads)

-I love that I am strong

-My smile

Positive body image will happen over time and it is not something I can just "fake it until I make it." If I am feeling disgusted by the way I look, I can't fake liking it. I have actually cancelled plans because I simply did not like how I looked in anything I tried on. 

I HATE feeling great about the way I look and then seeing a picture of me later. It crushes any positive vibes I have going. Which... makes me eat.

It will take some time for me to right all the wrongs I have created, but for the meantime I can look at them head on and "Write the Wrongs."

No Skinny Girls Please!

Have you ever taken a close look at the ads Facebook generates for you? 

I had not paid the slightest bit of attention until all these started popping up recently:

First of all: Thank you, Facebook, for reminding me that I am single. As if I don't get made aware of that every damn day.

Secondly: Fuck you, Mark Zucka-whatever. Who said you could come all up into my life? I mean, is someone actually sitting there scrutinizing me so much to the point that they think that I need some meat head claiming they accept "curvy women only?" 

Ugh.

How did Facebook generate these ads? Was it based on my search history outside of Facebook? Was it some technologically advanced picture screening machine that told their marketing department I am a fat single girl? No matter how it's done, it's offensive. 

Coincidentally enough I recently watched the documentary "Big as Life" on the Discovery Channel. I didn't like it.  I found myself getting very angry at the people featured in it, and at obesity in general. There was one part in the movie where this very overweight lady was discussing the whole "BBW" thing ("Big Beautiful Woman"). Please understand that I am not discrediting people's ability to love themselves, no matter what body they're in- that's not what this is about. I have mad respect for those men and women.

 Yes, there are some men out there who genuinely prefer "curvy" or "thick" women over skinny women. And I am thankful for them, as I will never be "skinny." Thin and healthy, yes. But skinny- ain't gonna happen. The clouded belief that obesity is beautiful is so messed up that I just cannot begin to fathom it. I think it comes from my years and years of self-loathing because of  the body I have put myself in.

 I will NEVER be able to love my body as long as I am as big as I am. I don't love this body because I know it isn't me. It is a form of me that I am hiding under as I deal with a whole bunch of crap in my head.

If I don't love my body, how can I expect a man to? 

In that documentary there was some sort of fat women's support group. One of the girls talked about how there was a whole section of their group devoted to men who only want big girls. There were women who were literally over 400 pounds saying that they were beautiful and that they've never had any problems in the "man" department. One woman who was almost 500 pounds says that she lost a lot of weight at one point and "didn't like it." She claims she didn't like the way her face looked because she could see her cheek bones for the first time. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit. Big time. 

The reason we are obese is because we are out of control. It may not be "food addiction" or some sort of technical disease, but the lack of control is the underlying factor. 

These women who claim they are BBW... if they TRULY love themselves and can be 100% OK with their 200 pound overweight bodies, then props to them. Seriously. I mean that.

 I never got to the point where I was willing to accept that the fact that I was happy at 330 pounds. 

Note: Please realize that I am not talking about women who are just overweight here, I am talking about women who are actually "obese," like myself.

 We don't get to the point where we weigh 300,400,500 pounds because we just have so much love for ourselves!

There is nothing pretty about heart disease and diabetes. 

There is nothing pretty about not being able to fit into an airplane seat.

There is nothing pretty about not being able to play with your kids.

There is nothing pretty about getting laughed at because of your folds.

Most importantly: there is nothing pretty about a fupa. 

It is not pretty and sexy to tip the scales. STOP glamorizing obesity. 

Is this sexy? No.

Here I am in my underwear. I am putting myself out there for those of you who may be afraid of what your mirror might say about you. I will probably regret this picture later, lol--  but if I can encourage just ONE of you to join me in this journey, then I have won the day.

Face the truth.

 I am not saying that I think every fat person should starting hating themselves right now. 

What I am saying is that we have to stop making excuses for ourselves for being unhealthy. It is NOT someone else's problem that there is no room for them on a bench because I am overlapping into their personal space.It is MY problem that I have allowed myself to get to this point.

Instead of giving into the notion that we are just "big and beautiful," and that's the way it is, we need to BELIEVE that we are worth the effort of getting healthy. 

Yes, there might be a man out there who loves you for who you are, no matter what size you are. But do you really want a man who only wants you because you are fat? That just sounds crazy to me! Why in the world would someone want to be in a relationship solely based on the amount of cellulite someone has? And how is that any different from a man saying they only date skinny women? 

Love yourself first. But love yourself because you are being the best that you know you can be.