The Fear of "Being Found Out"

"One of our greatest fears is the fear of being found out. It's why we spend so much time posturing and pretending to be someone we're not. We spend so much time trying to cover the mistakes of our past that we truly don't even know who we are anymore. While we fear being found out, we simultaneously long to be fully known and fully loved. But here's the problem: you can only be loved to the extent that you are known." -Pete Wilson

Isn't that a great quote? My biggest fears aren't tangible. While I had rather not have a snake or a mouse cross my path, I'm not "scared" of them. Heights, deep water, darkness, zombies, vampires, big foot... ....meh. I can do with or without. What I am afraid of is people "finding out" what I dub "the real me." My binge habits, the messiness and the clutter in my house that pair themselves with one of my binges. Or the fact that sometimes when I'm really depressed and lazy I just slide my porch door open and let Ziggy "go" out there instead of giving him the attention and the exercise he deserves with a walk.

Andy Stanley says that the "reason we fear the consequences of confession is because we've yet to realize the consequences of concealment."

I am fearful of someone walking in my house and seeing my dishes piled up or the clutter all over the place. I'm normally a VERY neat and organized person... unless I've gone on a binger. I have not dealt with the "consequences of concealment" because I just simply don't let people in my house during these times. I am able to hide it. I conceal it. Therefore, I am afraid of what will happen if I confess these habits to someone. What will they think? Will I become nasty to them? Will they treat me like I deserve to be on an episode of hoarders or something?

If we are hiding our bad habits from the people who love us, we are not letting them love the whole us. Their love stops at that point where we close the door on them. For me, the love and support of my friends and family is my biggest support system. How can I expect them to do their job as cheerleaders if they don't see the whole picture? I'm not saying that you should leave your house in a rat-infested wreck just to "admit" it to someone, but confessing that you are hiding things is the first step towards letting someone in to a part of you that has been quarantined and cut off for a very long time. Do you eat while your spouse is sleeping? Do you sneak off and get fast food when someone thinks you're running errands? Do you eat the leftovers off of your family's plates while you're cleaning up? Do you stash candy away for future cravings?

Stop hiding. Face your fears head on and let them go away.

Here's an example of a fear I overcame: I don't know why, but all of a sudden in college I started getting extremely nervous when I had to stand in front of the class and give presentations and speeches (hard to believe, I know).  I had spoken and performed in front of people my entire life and I loved being on center stage! I've played my cello in front of hundreds of people hundreds of times and loved each time. I remember the day that fear got the best of me--- it was in my first marketing class. I don't remember what the speech was, but I was soooo nervous. I shook, my voice was shaky, I stumbled over my words... I was a hot mess. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so nervous. Since I knew that I was going to be entering a career where I had to present myself in front of a lot of people, I wasn't having it. For the rest of college I volunteered to be the speaker for every group project, I spoke at my sorority meetings, I did anything I could do to help me overcome this fear that just came out of no where. It was very scary the first several times after that marketing speech. I was afraid the night before, the morning of, and during. Even afterwards I was still rattled. But I kept doing it until that fear was gone. I was STILL SPEAKING while I was afraid. I grasped fear and fought it. Now I give a presentation every single day at work and I love it!

I could not have overcome my fear of speaking in public had I not thrown myself in the ring and fought it. I would still be scared to this day.

Think about something you are afraid of. What have you done to fight that fear? The fear that's associated with our food addiction, binge eating disorder, unhealthy habits, etc... is the only thing keeping us from overcoming. If we are afraid of what lies on the other side, why in the world would we want to cross the bridge that takes us there? Who knows what waits for us! But isn't it better to try crossing the bridge and taking a look, than to stand there wondering for the rest of our lives? Think about how much time you've already wasted wondering how much better your life might be if you finally lost the weight you've been carrying around for 10 years? I mean, if you absolutely hated being thinner and healthier, you could always just go back to your fatter and more miserable self, right?

I am afraid of what I will do when I give up my habits. If I never binge again, what will I look forward to? I enjoy sitting my ass on my couch watching tv with a big bowl of cheesy pasta by myself.
Wait a minute, that sounds horrible when I say that out loud. "Sitting on my ass watching tv with a big bowl of cheesy pasta...by myself." Ugh. If someone gave me 3 choices of how I could spend my afternoon and that was one of them I would laugh.
Point being: How can I be afraid of losing something that I don't even really  want to be doing in the first place?

Isn't losing weight just one big session of overcoming fears? Trying new food, doing new exercises, eating less, eating more, drinking less, drinking more water, finding accountability...These are all things that seem scary at first. But just like my fear of speaking- I am willing to face the fear of losing weight head on. I'm tired of wondering how wonderful my life could be if I finally crossed the bridge. No more hiding behind my fear.

An Obsession with being Compulsive

I have to get pretty beaten down before I let something affect me. So it's no surprise to me that "compulsive" is used to describe my overeating. When I set my mind to do something I become totally OBSESSED with it. I go above and beyond in every aspect possible. I will push and shove until I reach my goals. When I get to the point that my efforts become futile and external circumstances hinder me from reaching my perceived end result, it isn't pretty for anyone involved. I will push a barrel of bricks uphill for as long as I can. It will take something major happening for me to let it go. I have to be devastated repeatedly before I will give up. It is exhausting. While I am in said uphill battle, I totally forget that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, which is extremely dangerous. From work, to personal relations, to losing weight... It is nearly impossible for me to function like a normal human being. I want everything to be perfect, no glitches, no mistakes. And when my mental, physical, and emotional efforts prove useless, that barrel of bricks comes crashing down on everything and everyone involved in my efforts. Once I reach this point, it is nearly impossible for me to try again. I have seen it happen too many times. I become complacent and all the passion and energy I invested in it is either gone for good or transferred to my next obsession.

 Long time ago my mother told me about the first time she knew I had OCD: I was a toddler. She was in grad school (for a Ph.D. in therapy, by the way) and I was in one of her professor's offices. While no one was looking, I apparently re-organized all of her professor's books by color. I put all the reds together on the bookshelf, the greens, the blues, etc... It only got worse as I got older. I still have to have everything in my house in perfect order. I share a desk at work with multiple people and it absolutely drives me mad!

 I keep fighting with my compulsive behaviors with my losing weight efforts. It seems like I am so close, then BOOM! Brick wall. If I was HALF as obsessed with exercising as I was with wondering where my next meal is going to come from, I would be in a much better place.

I found this excerpt in a notepad I had laying around:

"I have just felt so horrible and fat and gross all day. I feel like my throat is gonna get swallowed up by my double chin. Disgusting. I keep wondering how I would feel had I NOT binged last night."

I don't know when I wrote this, or what I binged on the night before. What I DO know is that the after effects of a binge are the same. It doesn't matter if I ate an entire pizza before bed, or got drunk and ate Taco Bell at 3am... I feel horrible and crappy the next day. 

"Much as we hate to admit it, an honest review of our behavior as compulsive overeaters shows clearly that in spite of the strongest resolve to stop overeating, we continue. Night after night we go to bed gorged and disgusted; we get up the next morning full of undigested food and fresh determination to maintain control; and before the day is over, we have done it again. No amount of willpower can pull us out of the quicksand." --Elisabeth L., "Twelve Steps for Overeaters."

Step One of "Overeaters Anonymous" explains in detail why willpower is not enough. "We admitted we were powerless over food- that our lives had become unmanageable." What does this step mean for you? For me it means that I am controlled by an obsession with food. I will find myself in the drive through or at the grocery store without a solid memory of making a conscious decision to be there. It means that some piece of food is in my mouth before I even had time to think before I eat. 

Eventually this loss of power over food will make you hit rock bottom. My rock bottom has happened several times, but I always manage to get back on my feet again, only to slowly but surely sink back to the lowest of the lows. Remember: fat is a SYMPTOM of our illness. Fat is not the reason we're sick. I know I repeat this in every blog, but food addicts are no different that alcoholics or meth heads. The symptoms of addiction are not the problem. Our illness is the problem. My symptoms? Obesity, bad skin, indigestion, heart problems, PCOS, high blood pressure, depression, unstable emotions, extreme anxiety, sleep apnea, and general bitchiness. I'm like a ticking time bomb for a life-threatening disease. 

I love Elisabeth L.'s description on how recovery begins: "Recovery begins when we admit defeat and declare bankruptcy." What a concept: Declare 'bankruptcy' to begin recovering. Wipe everything out and start all over. Never you mind all of the things in your past that haven't worked. This is a new solution to the problem. Let the barrel of bricks go; start a new battle. 

I have made remarkable steps in my food addiction recovery. Really my main problem now is binging when I get home from work. That has always been my main problem, but I have learned to manage a lot of my other bad habits. I am so unhappy with my work schedule (the schedule, not the job itself), that I get all in a tizzy at work because some random something leads me to get depressed and angry and anxious every night. I work Mon-Fri until 10:30 at night. The worst schedule known to man. I feel like I am so deprived of so many great things I could be doing with my life. I see my friends out at dinner, at wine club, book club, evening bike rides, at a concert, etc... and I get so down! I have a high stress job, so the first thing I want to do when I get off is... eat! binge! drown my sorrows in something crunchy, cheesy, and salty. I do it so that all of the other emotions of the evening will disappear. Then I move on to new emotions: guilt, regret, and shame. Which makes things worse. 

Even though I feel like I have pinpointed an exact reason for one of my compulsive overeating behaviors, that circumstance is impossible to change. My hours will not change unless I get a new job. So since this is not something I am willing to do, I am learning what can be changed inside when external conditions cannot be changed. 

Guilt, regret, shame: the 3 emotions I like to call the "maskoteers." They stick together and they're tough as hell. They're basically all the same word, but with slight variations, Shame tends to mean that you know you did something wrong. Guilt means you don't feel great about a decision because someone probably got the shaft. (That person is usually you when it comes to your food addiction). Regret is the worst of them all. Regret takes your past and throws it in front of you every chance it can so that you never move on. These emotions mask what is really going on and they hinder your ability to recover. They are coming straight from that "dealer" inside your head. Your dealer wants to keep you down. Who makes good decisions when they're riddled with negative emotions? I know I don't. If I'm feeling shameful and regretful, I am not going to get off my couch. But if I'm feeling proud and happy, I am motivated to get up and move forward with the next healthy decision that is waiting for me.

My pastor (Pete Wilson) has a great saying: "Your past is not your past if it's still impacting your present. If you don't learn to transform the pain, you'll just transfer it." He also says that our past will determine how we respond to similar situations in the future. I interpret this to mean that if regret, shame, and guilt are still attached to your past, it will be nearly impossible to change how you react in the future. The maskoteers have got to go. Throw them out the window. They are toxic. Replace your memories, trick your dealer... tell yourself that you are truly grateful and pleased that you made mistakes in the past. You've been there done that so that your future can only get better! 

When I wake up feeling determined that TODAY will be the day that my journey continues towards the light and not the dark, I make a plan. I get excited about the plan and I feel great. But then the MINUTE by plan gets interrupted, I spiral downwards. My obsessiveness and compulsiveness start doing their thing and I lose all control. Then I start to feel: shameful, guilty, and regretful that I am not following my plan. Which makes my dealer happy, and the next thing I know, I am going to visit him on the corner of Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. 

I honestly don't think that there is a "cure" for compulsive overeating, but I think that setting rules, allowing slips, and reminding myself that it's okay to stray a little will help me stop obsessing over every little thing I do wrong and focus on what I am doing right! 

Writing the Wrongs

I learned so much from Lisette Cifaldi's Food Addiction Recovery Workshop at Hilton Head Health this weekend, it is hard for me to know where to begin. I have several wonderful posts coming your way, but I will start with this letter that I wrote to my body. I am feeling really good about my future in this journey and I think that I have a whole new set of knowledge that you will benefit from. I encourage you to take a few moments to write a letter to yourself as well. You might be surprised at the words that appear.

Dear Body of Mine,

         First of all, thank you for putting up with everything I've put you through. I don't deserve to still be in such great health. You clearly love me way more than I love you. I continue to abuse you over and over again, but you are still there for me- standing tall. I never thought that I would be the abusive partner in a relationship; I've always considered myself a pretty loving and caring person. I have not loved you. I haven't given you the 5-star treatment  you deserve. I have called you horrible names. I have made fun of the ugly scars that I have given you (stretch marks).

          I want to change our relationship. I want to be healthy. Please forgive me for the repeated abuse I have inflicted on you. You don't deserve it. This is a new me and you. While I can't undo the physical damage I have riddled you with, I CAN release the heavy layers I've laid between us. All I ask is that you continue to bless me with your wonderful gift of life until we reach our goals. 

Love,

Lori

I mean honestly, if I spoke to my friends the way I spoke to myself and my body I would have NO friends left. No one would stick around with the way I treat myself! 

There are so many things that I am capable of doing that I don't give my body proper credit for:

-Triathlons and 5ks

-Running, hiking, kayaking, etc...

-Crossfit

-LIVING

-Smiling

-Writing

-Cooking

-Reading

-Walking

-Tennis

-Cello

I am so grateful that I am STILL able to do so many of my favorite things! After the DECADE of abuse I have put my body through, I really don't think that I deserve to still be able to do so many wonderful active things.I am so thankful that I still have my health today. Tomorrow? I will wake up and I will still be obese, and at risk for diabetes and heart disease. But I cannot continue to let myself think like that. For me to overcome this, I HAVE to "write the wrongs" and make things right. A negative body image will ONLY make things worse. 

Instead of focusing on everything I hate about my body, I need to focus on the things I love. We were supposed to come up with 5 things, but I can only come up with 3 for right now. I am working on this. Eventually I will fall in love with my body all over again and I will have hundreds of things I love!

-My quads (that's right- I love my killer quads)

-I love that I am strong

-My smile

Positive body image will happen over time and it is not something I can just "fake it until I make it." If I am feeling disgusted by the way I look, I can't fake liking it. I have actually cancelled plans because I simply did not like how I looked in anything I tried on. 

I HATE feeling great about the way I look and then seeing a picture of me later. It crushes any positive vibes I have going. Which... makes me eat.

It will take some time for me to right all the wrongs I have created, but for the meantime I can look at them head on and "Write the Wrongs."

Accepting the Truth

I got a lot of response to a recent post called "Fattict."

Since it created so much feedback, I wanted to delve into the subject a little more. 

The topic of food addiction seems to be gaining a lot of attention, and deservedly so. 

What is a fattict? Fat, addiction,and food- there is a connection: food addiction. And it is as real as the words you see on this paper. I have fallen victim. There are times when I think that I am just using it as an excuse for my years and years of harming myself with food. But then there are more days when I remember how powerless I have become over food. When a craving strikes I lose all control and my willpower goes out the window. It is scary and I know that I am not alone in this struggle. I have put my trust in the Twelve Step program mastermind by Bill Wilson in his renowned "Alcoholics Anonymous" program adapted for people like me: compulsive eaters. Overeaters Anonymous has saved my life, literally. Everyone says the end result is worth the effort, and I have finally given into that mantra. My reward: living through my thirties without diabetes and heart problems. I have spent all of my 20s addicted to food, feeling helpless and alone. I refuse to let another decade of my life be controlled by food. I want to live and I want to be happy!

It's easy to hide food addiction. Trust me, I've been there. I have spent years trying everything the world has to offer in terms of weight loss. Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Physician's Fast, P90X... just to name a few. There were even three months of my life when I was a strict vegan, then just a vegetarian. Not a single of them worked for me in the long run. It wasn't because I wasn't motivated to lose weight or because the programs don't work. They didn't work for me because I never once even thought to address the real problem: addiction. Who even things about being addicted to food? You have to have it in your life to survive. It's much easier to just think that you are doing the diet thing the wrong way, and that eventually one of them has to work for you. I even seriously considered having weight loss surgery, but I knew that without fixing my mind, it would fail. Just like all of my other efforts.
 

I am in the process of overcoming food addiction. I will fall and I will get back up again. Eventually, though- I will be able to invest enough of my self-worth into my own health and I know that you can do the same. Everything you read here is real. Nothing is made up. I am putting myself out there 100% in the hopes that at least ONE person can discover what I have: it is possible to win this war. 

So put that bag of chips down, and let's do this! Together!



Accepting The Truth

How in the hell did this Chalupa get in my mouth? Let's back step here. I'm in my car heading home from work. The next thing I know I am in the drive through at Taco Bell. How did I get here? I just ate dinner two hours ago, didn't I? What the hell am I doing? Did I actually have a conversation with myself to get here? Who decided I wanted to stuff myself with Chalupas instead of just taking my ass home to bed where I need to be? Oh well, I paid for it, so I'm going to eat it, aren't I? Ugh, the indigestion. Pop a Tums, move on. Keep binging. The next morning the first thing I see is the gigantic cup of Mountain Dew Baja Blast leaking all over my nightstand. Condensating asshole. So now, my day is ruined because I woke up to bad news: I binged on cheap tacos and now I hate myself and am unable to get over it all day. Less than 24 hours later there is a pizza delivered to my house. Large pizza all the meats? Scarfed down. Woof. Indigestion again. That pizza box by my front door is the last thing I see as I'm rushing out to work. Self-loathing ensues all day and I am a horrible bitch to everyone who crosses me.

Does anything of this sound familiar? Of course it does, that's why you read my blog. Did you think that you were the only person who is certifiably insane by means of repeating the food addiction cycle? You're not. Millions of people are addicted to food. I don't remember the moment it hit me, but damn I'm glad it did. It was at some point early Fall of this year. I spent every fucking year in my 20s giving in to cravings and binges. What a waste!

Accepting the fact that you are addicted to food is the first step to overcoming it. How do you know if you are a compulsive eater? Tally up your normal food intake. How much of it is ingested out of true hunger, and how much is from emotional eating? If the majority of your food intake is out of anything other than physical hunger, then yes- you might have a food addiction. Do you NEED food when you are dealing with strong emotions? Are you obese or overweight? Then yes, you might be a compulsive eater.

Acceptance doesn't happen in a few minutes, it can take months, days, or even years to truly realize how addicted to food you really are. It took almost a year for me to really realize how deep into addiction I am. I went to a health retreat in the spring of this year and attended an awesome "Emotional Eating" seminar by Lisette Cifaldi. Learning that emotional eating is a consistent pattern was the best thing to ever happen to me. We've all heard that people, especially women, "eat their feelings." Even the movies poke fun at this idea- it seems to be out there a lot. But is the bowl of ice cream you ate during that sappy Lifetime movie last night indicative of a lifestyle of food addiction? It very well could be.

Before you can move forward with dealing with "fattiction," you need to take a lot of time accepting the truth. Be patient. It is worth it. There are no quick fixes when it comes to your health. Think of an aged wine, or a barrel of Tennessee whiskey. Time is on your side, and in the end you will be the perfect blend of happiness and health. I'm not saying it is okay to sit around and make excuses for chowing down on nachos because you're in the "accepting stage," but don't get so down on yourself if you slip up. If you aren't falling down and getting back up, you aren't learning from your mistakes. I believe that eventually this acceptance will stop a binge in its tracks. When that happens, you are on the right track. I spent weeks researching food addiction, compulsive behaviors, and emotional eating. I KNEW that my problems had a cause, but it didn't click until I stopped myself from ordering a pizza because I asked myself: "are you doing this out of hunger or emotion?" Once I asked myself that, it was AMAZING how easy it is for me to put the phone down! There are definitely times when I totally make an excuse for myself, and go ahead with the binge. I actually tell myself: you are struggling with addiction, go ahead and eat that- feel bad afterwards. Teach yourself a lesson. But here's the zinger: I don't actually enjoy it! The numbness never comes. It's like pouring salt on a wound the whole time. It hurts while I do it, and it's not rewarding. The self-loathing starts with the first bite instead of like a lingering hangover the next day.

So how do you truly accept the depths of your addiction? I suspect that it won't happen until you are truly ready for it. Taking this journey with me is a damn good place to start, though. No one can make you face the truth. It's all on you. My suggestion is to start with a little bit old school: pencil and paper. Find a quiet place with no distractions. Sit on the toilet with the door closed if that's what you have to do. Leave the iPhone and your headphones alone. Just you, and your writing tools.

Here's what I want you to write down. DON'T look ahead at the next step. Do these one at a time

-Your favorite foods. The good AND the bad. Put them all on there. This is just you, remember? Leave some space after each one.

-Then I want you to describe your relationship with EACH food item. Answer these questions: What is my first memory of eating this food? When do I eat it? What am I typically feeling when I eat this food? Don't be scared of your answers.

-Next I want you to go back and circle every emotion you see written down. For each emotion you circle, give it its own sheet of paper and write it at the top.

-So now you have a fresh sheet of paper with an emotion written at the top. For example: sad. I will use "sad" throughout this exercise, but you need to do this for all the emotions. How many times did you circle the word "sad?" How many different food items was it paired with?

-Write all those food items down on sad's paper. So what have you just done? You have identified emotions with certain foods. Feeling the heat of a light bulb above you?

-Still on sad's paper, make a list of recurring times in your life when you feel sad. Leave space underneath each one. Example: "I feel sad when I am home alone."

Under this example, write a NEW habit that you can start doing with this instance.

Instead of eating Ben and Jerry's and watching The Notebook, I will make a cup of

hot tea and go for a walk. Once you have done this for EVERY emotion, read over

your words and keep it somewhere you will reference it often.

Do you see what you're doing here? You are accepting the fact that you use food as a drug to numb certain emotions. With this action plan, you are re-training your body with new habits! If you ALWAYS eat a pint of ice cream EVERY TIME you are at home alone feeling sad, your body will naturally crave that bad eating habit every time that emotion hits! I believe that we can trick our bodies into craving something healthy in the same way we trained it to crave something that is bad for us.

Accept that you are addicted to food and all the negatives that come with it, and you are ready to move forward with a healthier and happier you!

No Skinny Girls Please!

Have you ever taken a close look at the ads Facebook generates for you? 

I had not paid the slightest bit of attention until all these started popping up recently:

First of all: Thank you, Facebook, for reminding me that I am single. As if I don't get made aware of that every damn day.

Secondly: Fuck you, Mark Zucka-whatever. Who said you could come all up into my life? I mean, is someone actually sitting there scrutinizing me so much to the point that they think that I need some meat head claiming they accept "curvy women only?" 

Ugh.

How did Facebook generate these ads? Was it based on my search history outside of Facebook? Was it some technologically advanced picture screening machine that told their marketing department I am a fat single girl? No matter how it's done, it's offensive. 

Coincidentally enough I recently watched the documentary "Big as Life" on the Discovery Channel. I didn't like it.  I found myself getting very angry at the people featured in it, and at obesity in general. There was one part in the movie where this very overweight lady was discussing the whole "BBW" thing ("Big Beautiful Woman"). Please understand that I am not discrediting people's ability to love themselves, no matter what body they're in- that's not what this is about. I have mad respect for those men and women.

 Yes, there are some men out there who genuinely prefer "curvy" or "thick" women over skinny women. And I am thankful for them, as I will never be "skinny." Thin and healthy, yes. But skinny- ain't gonna happen. The clouded belief that obesity is beautiful is so messed up that I just cannot begin to fathom it. I think it comes from my years and years of self-loathing because of  the body I have put myself in.

 I will NEVER be able to love my body as long as I am as big as I am. I don't love this body because I know it isn't me. It is a form of me that I am hiding under as I deal with a whole bunch of crap in my head.

If I don't love my body, how can I expect a man to? 

In that documentary there was some sort of fat women's support group. One of the girls talked about how there was a whole section of their group devoted to men who only want big girls. There were women who were literally over 400 pounds saying that they were beautiful and that they've never had any problems in the "man" department. One woman who was almost 500 pounds says that she lost a lot of weight at one point and "didn't like it." She claims she didn't like the way her face looked because she could see her cheek bones for the first time. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit. Big time. 

The reason we are obese is because we are out of control. It may not be "food addiction" or some sort of technical disease, but the lack of control is the underlying factor. 

These women who claim they are BBW... if they TRULY love themselves and can be 100% OK with their 200 pound overweight bodies, then props to them. Seriously. I mean that.

 I never got to the point where I was willing to accept that the fact that I was happy at 330 pounds. 

Note: Please realize that I am not talking about women who are just overweight here, I am talking about women who are actually "obese," like myself.

 We don't get to the point where we weigh 300,400,500 pounds because we just have so much love for ourselves!

There is nothing pretty about heart disease and diabetes. 

There is nothing pretty about not being able to fit into an airplane seat.

There is nothing pretty about not being able to play with your kids.

There is nothing pretty about getting laughed at because of your folds.

Most importantly: there is nothing pretty about a fupa. 

It is not pretty and sexy to tip the scales. STOP glamorizing obesity. 

Is this sexy? No.

Here I am in my underwear. I am putting myself out there for those of you who may be afraid of what your mirror might say about you. I will probably regret this picture later, lol--  but if I can encourage just ONE of you to join me in this journey, then I have won the day.

Face the truth.

 I am not saying that I think every fat person should starting hating themselves right now. 

What I am saying is that we have to stop making excuses for ourselves for being unhealthy. It is NOT someone else's problem that there is no room for them on a bench because I am overlapping into their personal space.It is MY problem that I have allowed myself to get to this point.

Instead of giving into the notion that we are just "big and beautiful," and that's the way it is, we need to BELIEVE that we are worth the effort of getting healthy. 

Yes, there might be a man out there who loves you for who you are, no matter what size you are. But do you really want a man who only wants you because you are fat? That just sounds crazy to me! Why in the world would someone want to be in a relationship solely based on the amount of cellulite someone has? And how is that any different from a man saying they only date skinny women? 

Love yourself first. But love yourself because you are being the best that you know you can be.

Fattict

I have been dabbling in the subject of food addiction for a while now. It's a sensitive subject for sure. Remember the backlash the medical world got when obesity was announced as an actual "disease?" It seemed like every person in America had something negative to say about it.

"Great, now my insurance will go up because all these fatasses can't close their f$%^*#g mouths."

"Really America? We're going to give obese people an excuse for being fat?"

"Obesity is a disease? LOL. It's called: stop eating, fatass."

Any of these sound familiar? Did any of them hurt you? Or do you agree?

For the longest time- yes, I had these same thoughts about obesity. People are fat because they: a) don't exercise and b) eat too damn much.

 But then I started to think: can't those same hurtful phrases be lashed out at alcoholics? At crackheads?

"Great, now my insurance will go up because all these crackheads can't close their f$%^*#g nostrils."

"Really America? We're going to give alcoholics an excuse for being drunk?"

"Alcoholism is a disease? LOL. It's called: stop drinking, lush."

I am NOT a registered dietician or a doctor, this is ONLY my opinion...

 I think that obesity is the effect of a disease.What is that disease that causes obesity?
Addiction.
That powerful "A" word, that is the most versatile in our dictionary.

Have you ever watched "My Strange Addiction" on TLC? Some examples of addictions they feature are: pizza, animal blood, sniffing doll heads, drinking gasoline, etc...
I think that certain people are born with some sort of "addiction gene," and their substance abuse depends on their emotions and the connection between them.

 It has taken me a very long time to TRULY understand that I am addicted to food. Addiction runs rampant in my family. Mainly alcoholism, but that "addiction gene" is definitely there (whatever that means). I remember being told as a teenager that I would need to be careful with alcohol because there are so many alcoholics on both sides. Never once did anyone think to say: be careful with ANYTHING you do a lot of, because addiction runs in the family. Who would have thought that I would get addicted to food?

Well, I am here to tell you that food addiction is a very real and very serious form of addiction. I know it might seem like bullshit to some of you, but look up the research.
Give it a good google.

I think I have always had an addiction to food, but it didn't really get bad until I moved away for college. I remember turning to food as a kid to deal with my emotions. I would come home from elementary school and eat popcorn, or a PBJ, even though I knew that I would be having dinner with my family soon. I know that a lot of kids eat snacks when they get home from school. But I was eating out of emotion, not hunger. There's a difference. One particular memory sticks out really vividly: It was breakfast circa third grade- I'm at the table with my stepdad and I have a bowl of cereal in front of me. Spoon in one hand, chocolate power bar in the other. My mother walks in and freaks out. She knew there was something wrong  (she is a therapist after all). She somehow knew that in that particular moment, that that chocolate power bar was not in my hand because I was SO hungry that I needed TWO breakfasts; it was omething more. I remember her keeping a close eye on me after that, but I always managed to sneak food in somehow. Elementary school was a pretty rough period of my life. My Grandmother died and I didn't take it very well. I somehow developed tourette syndrome as an effect of all the stress of her death and I still have the occasional tic in my face when I get stressed (or drink too much coffee).

In high school I definitely started turning to food more often as a solution to my emotions. High School was also rough- teenagers are little douchebags. That after school "snack" I would eat after elementary school turned into me running to Sonic for cheese sticks and a strawberry slushy or Taco Bell for Chalupas on my way home. Patterns.

College was when shit really hit the fan. A few blogs ago I wrote abut a certain moment involving potato skins. I was a server at a restaurant (highly stressful like elementary and high school, and also full of little douchebags). I came home one day with a to-go box of cheesy and bacon-y potato skins. Ate the whole box, and continued to binge after work from then on out. My love for pizza? Bingo: the emotional attachment started freshman year. There was a Papa Johns right next door to my dorm. Stressful day at school- delivery! Fight with my mom? Spinach Alfredo original crust coming right up! Patterns.

On into my professional career- shitty day at work? Pizza delivered seconds after I got home for the day. Patterns.

Eventually those binge patterns led into horrible regular eating habits in addition to the emotional feasts.

I am not going to delve too deeply into the theories that certain food companies put ingredients in their products that make them addictive. I think that they do, but since I am not a professional with the FDA, I cannot give you specifics. I can, however, tell you that there is a difference in my cravings among different foods. For example: If you were to eat a bowl of steamed broccoli, you probably would not feel the need to go back for seconds, thirds, or to finish the whole lot. But if that were a bowl of potato chips, you might feel the urge to eat the whole bag. Is it because potato chips are soooo much tastier than broccoli? I don't think so. Had you asked me 6 months ago, I probably would have said: hell yes! I have cut so much junk food out of my diet that I have lost my taste for all that processed crap. I genuinely don't enjoy the taste of it anymore.

There are certain foods that make me want to keep eating them and leafy green veggies just aren't one of them. I enjoy them, but who's ever heard of someone gorging on a spinach binge? Besides Popeye of course. Certain types of food are addictive. Plain and simple. Sugar is one of them. This past week was Halloween and there has been SO much candy at work. I ate one of those snack size peanut butter Snickers the other day (you know the one- in the gold wrapper- yeah, they're the jam). After I ate it, all I wanted was to eat 8,000 more.

But the foods themselves aren't the problem. Yes, I think they contribute to addiction, but they cannot be at total fault.

Once a binge hits me, it doesn't matter if I like the taste of something or not- I am going to eat it. I hit a really serious low once and I turned a bottle of chocolate syrup upside down and squirted it in my mouth. I literally drank chocolate syrup. WTF. How about this one- I was really broke and couldn't afford to partake in the routine greasy Chinese food or pizza binge, so I rummaged through my pantry and drank heated up chicken stock until the sodium filled me up. Double WT? WTF.

I finally worked up the courage to go to Overeaters Anonymous on Sunday. I have been meaning to go for months, after my trainer suggested it to me. I don't know why it took me so long to go, but I did it. I went. And it was every bit as cheesy as I thought it was going to be. Every time you want to speak you have to say: "Hi. My name is blah blah, and I'm a compulsive eater." Then the whole group has to say: "Hi, blah blah." Then, after you're done talking you have to say: "thanks." At first I was scared.
You go in these sketchy ass double wide doors in the middle of the hood:

Then you go up some sketchy ass stairs:

Then, an even sketchier hallway:

I was totally imaging a gross warehouse with fold out chairs, but there were actually some nice little couches around a coffee table.

Once I got past the whole "My name is blah and I'm a blah,"  I really opened up and I kicked myself for waiting so long to go to a meeting. Every person there related to me. It confirmed that food addiction is real, and that for us, our substance of choice is food. Just like an alcoholic. Which is why the OA program is based on the same 12 steps that are used in Alcoholics Anonymous. We simply replace the words "alcohol" with food and "alcoholic" with "compulsive eater." The numbness that the filling effect of the sodium in chicken stock gave me? Another dude in the group shared a similar story. He would stuff himself with periodic fast food trips while he was on a long drive for work until he reached the point where he felt physically sick. He needed to feel that numbness.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF OA:

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I have a really long way to go in this journey still, but now that I have TRULY accepted the fact that I am an addict, or a "Fattict," as I like to call it- I am finding it easier to control the binges. For so long I've been resisting the cravings, but for all the wrong reasons. Now that I know where they originate from, it is so easy for me to stop them. Before it was just: No, Lori. You don't need it. You're a fatty, remember? And you already ate dinner. Now I can tell myself: No, Lori. That hunger is not true hunger. It's emotional hunger, and you are NOT powerless over food. You create your own destiny. 

For those of you out there who think you might feel the same way at all,  even the tiniest little bit- listen to me and TRUST me. I know how scary it is to look into the future. I don't WANT to give up pizza and chocolate, and chicken fingers and fries. It is SCARY to think about what would happen to me if I denied myself the right to the foods that I am so attached to. PLEASE give in to the notion that YOU WILL BE OK. I have jumped over the threshold. TRUST me. It is better on this side. Once you accept the fact that you have an eating disorder (really, really accept it), the path ahead of you clears up. All those overgrown feelings and emotions in your way will lift right up into the sky. Think deeply about your food habits. Don't let food control you.

Fear is the main thing that you have to let go of. On the other side of fear is another wonderful F word: Freedom. Fear establishes limits. Do you want to live in a box? Confined to fear closing you in? Let go. You want this MORE than you are afraid of it. If you are afraid of heights, you will stay low. I think that is why I stay broke all the time--- I am afraid of what will happen if I have a lot of money. Will I spend it all on food? I think I am afraid of what will happen if my bank account gets fat; therefore, I spend money compulsively so that I don't have to face that fear. If there's no money there for me to spend on binges, I literally can't do it. 

This is an extremely deep post, and it's about to get even deeper. I hope you'll stay with me here. 

Another courageous thing I have taken on is opening up to my mother about my admittance to food addiction. This is like... worthy of a prize. I don't know why, but I always shy away from having these kind of conversations with her. I think it's because: a) she has a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy and I don't want some long-ass psychological answer and b) Fear. Who knows you better than your own mother? NO ONE. Which meeeeeaaannnsssss--- I will get the honest answer that I don't want to hear. 

Next up: My father. Any daddy's girls out there? Despite the fact that my parents divorced when I was infant, I have always felt the need to impress my Daddy. I talked to him today and dished it all. I admitted everything today. He said he was a little shocked, and a little not-shocked. He pointed out that whenever we go out to eat, or he looks at the food in my house, I'm either eating salads, or something else of the healthy variety. He felt that I did a pretty good job hiding it from him. He honestly didn't think that I was an official "compulsive overeater," but just that I overeat, And yes, there is a difference. Not all overweight people are compulsive overeaters, but most compulsive overeaters are overweight. I asked him about his experience with addiction and it turns out that his addictive habits are the EXACT same as mine, and it all comes back to emotions. We had an awesome convo, and I learned a lot about my family's history when it comes to addiction. 

Back to my mom. Out of NOWHERE I have been craving cigarettes. I have NEVER been addicted to cigarettes, and I never plan to be. But since she is a Doctor and all, I asked her to shed some light on her experience with addiction patients and if she has ever seen someone turn to one bad habit while trying to kick another one. Here are her words:

"For many people who struggle with freeing themselves from an addiction (i.e., alcohol), they take on another addiction like drinking large amounts of coffee and/or an increase in cigarette smoking.  Those who struggle with eating disorders may become addicted to exercise to a very dangerous degree.  Fortunately for some, these new obsessive habits dwindle over time throughout the recovery process and are replaced with healthful behaviors such as moderate caffeine, nicotine abstinence, moderate exercise, increased water, and low carbohydrate diets.   For others, however, the new habit becomes a full-fledged addiction and is another form of self destruction.

These newly formed habits take on a life of obsession like the old habit the addict is attempting to become free of.  Some professionals would argue that these behaviors support the notion that an 'addiction personality' truly exists.  Why do people harm themselves in these ways?  Self destructive behaviors and addicted personalities can be highly correlated with a low sense of self worth... Having a strong sense of self is crucial to maintaining good mental, physical, and social health." -Dr. Brenda Dozier

Wow. Does any of that just make a light go off above your head like it does for me? 

The whole point of this long-ass post is that addiction is real. It doesn't matter what substance you abuse, but there is a connection between certain things and their correlated emotions. Once you form habits attached to emotions, it will stick in many cases. And it's hard as hell to break. 

I am working on it, and so can you. 

Hi, my name is Lori and I am a fattict. 

Thanks.