Be Good to yourself

As I gaze at the gulf, I'm taken back to this time a couple years ago. I was on my annual week-long August beach vacay and couldn't enjoy any of it because I was dreading going back to a job I was so miserable at. I tried so hard to rest my mind, but my thoughts continued to race about a boss that was ridiculous and mean. I was wishing I hadn't even come because the going back was so hard. I was getting nasty calls, emails, and texts the whole time I was down here, demanding an answer immediately. I was so unhappy. And now, I am actually looking forward to seeing my bosses and co-workers when I get back. I actually miss work. For those of us who value our careers, it is so important to do what you love, and love those who build you up and help you grow. I encourage anyone who is unhappy to take a leap of faith. It will change your life. It's this leap that has helped me find myself again, lose weight, and have a great quality of life. There is no sense in holding on to a fixable problem. In fact, it's ridiculous and mean to do that to you. 

Egg Crust Pizza!

I don't eat pizza. I gave it up last November for good. It's a binge-able item for me, so I had to quit cold turkey. 

However! I still like to make "Egg Crust Pizza" periodically. When I take the time to cook something, I tend to not overeat. So, it's not the same as ordering a pizza and eating everything but that weird shriveled lime green pepper thing creeping in the corner of the box. And it's not "really" pizza after all :). 

I posted a picture on Instagram and got a ton of requests for the recipe. So here ya go!

Serving Size: 2

Calories per serving: About 500 (Hey! It's Pizza! Sorry) Count will be less if you use egg whites and cut back on the ingredients. 

Cooking and Prep Time: About an hour

The What:

-Half of a small carton of liquid eggs or egg whites. Or 6 eggs. Or 12 egg whites. 

-2.5 cups of part skim shredded mozzarella cheese. 

-Parmesan Cheese (the cheap kind will suffice)

-4 medium tomatoes, puréed with Italian seasoning. 

-1/2 cup Turkey pepperoni

-1/2 cup Turkey Sausage

-Basil, Dill, Oregano, S and P

The How:

-Pre-Heat oven to Tree Fity

-In large bowl, whisk eggs, half a cup of mozzarella cheese, tbsp. of Parmesan, and all the seasonings above to taste until combined. 

-On low-medium heat, coat large skillet with cooking spray and pour egg mixture in. Cover skillet with tin foil. After about 10 minutes, flip over with spatula. Cover with foil and let cook for another 10 minutes on that side. Continue to cook until edges are brown and it is hard and doesn't break when you try to move it. You can crank the heat up if it's not cooking fast enough for your impatient ass. But I find the slower you cook it, the more even the browning is. It will look like this when ready for the next step:

-Place crust on cooling tray, then put on a thin pan. 

-Top with the tomato mixture, meat, and remaining cheese. Add more seasoning if you want. 

-Bake at 350 until cheese is melted and "dough" is crispy. About 15 minutes. 

-Let cool on a cooling tray to avoid sogginess. 

Delicious, y'all. 

You slice it up and can pick the pieces up, and once you bite into it, you'll have no idea it's egg :) 

The leftovers are good, too. I personally like to eat it cold the next day. But if you just have to be weird and want hot pizza, reheat in the oven or toaster oven. Eggs will be soggy in the microwave. 

It's actually more pizza-y the next day:

Eureka!

Where have I been?

In a deep, dark, depressed hole somewhere binge eating and searching for motivation. That's where.
Then a friend told me I'm being selfish because I've been letting my readers down. He said: "Think about all the people who find motivation in YOUR blog?" He's right. And I apologize.

One day recently I woke up, looked at the evidence of the previous night's binge... the leaking soft drink cup on my nightstand, the mess in the kitchen, the fast food bag on the stove, the messy house... and I just got... over it all. I got over waking up to a belly full of undigested food, feeling like absolute crap all day, being grumpy to my co-workers, letting the laundry pile up, letting my house look like a hoarder lives there because it's so messy, and STILL BEING FAT.

I just got bored. Bored with repeating the same patterns over and over again and getting mad at myself for the same exact things over and over again.
 I've said this before: having a consistent schedule has allowed me to pinpoint exactly when I binge and why. It helps me to be able to say: "Okay Lori, now why do you want to order pizza? The last time you binged on pizza, you had a really crappy day at work." Then, I can say: nope. Not gonna happen. It also helps me to realize certain habits at home have been formed around binge eating. For example: Sitting on a certain section of my couch watching a certain show at a certain time of day is always paired with binging on something. So what do I do when I watch this show now? Something else. Even just something as simple as moving to a different side of the couch can make a huge difference. Or making myself sit in a chair instead of the couch. I trick my brain.

Speaking of brains, I had the pleasure of sitting down with Dr. Ralph Carson a few weeks ago. He is a neurologist who specializes in the treatment of binge eating disorder. It was so refreshing to hear that he ACTUALLY understands that binge eating is a disorder, and not just something that common sense tells you not to do. If it were that easy, there wouldn't be so much obesity in the world. I also loved that he confirmed my belief that it is NOT a "choice." I had a friend tell me the other day: "Lori, I know you know HOW to eat right and exercise, you just choose not to." Really? You think I CHOOSE to look like an elephant among mice in every social setting? I don't choose to feel like a fat disgusting blob with no energy who had rather stay at home than hang out with my friends. I don't choose to stuff my face until it literally hurts. Dr. Carson believes that your gray matter can be changed, once you get serious about wanting to make a change. He also agrees with the research I have been working on the past few months on addiction. Addicts are addicts, no matter what their substance is. A food addict is just as powerless over food as a crackhead is over that rock. Addiction is not something that can be taken lightly, and intense treatment is usually the only means of recovery. Once someone gets deep into an addiction, they will never truly become "un-addicted," no matter how long they have abstained from their drug. This is why an alcoholic refers to themselves as in "recovery" long after they've had their last drink. Those same powerful thoughts will always be there, but by re-training your brain, you can manage the urges and continue to abstain.

Food addicts get such a bad rap because losing weight is so very easy. It IS easy. Think about it: eat sensibly, exercise, limit alcohol, drink lots of water. It truly is as simple as that. There's no special formula. Why can't all these fat people just get off their lazy asses, put the chips down, and workout? For people who don't understand it, it's not their fault. They've never been in a position where they feel like a second person has literally entered their body and made the decision FOR them to eat an entire bag of chips in 60 seconds flat. This second person gets to have all the fun of chowing down, then leaves when it's over. The real you "wakes up" and is hit with a whirlwind of emotions wondering: "what the HELL just happened?"

Addicts are powerless over their addiction. It's the first step in any anonymous 12 step program. "We admit we are powerless over.... "

I have caught myself halfway through a meal, without even realizing how much I had already eaten. None of my senses were involved in  it. I wasn't tasting it, feeling it, or smelling it. So of course my brain doesn't know I'm full when I eat the other half and reach for seconds.

Lately, complete and total abstinence is the only method  for me that yields results. I just can't drink when I'm out. I just can't do it. When I do, second Lori enters my body and turns my steering wheel towards the closest Taco Bell and orders enough food for an army. I can't eat anything that is REMOTELY similar to my "binge-ables." When I do, the first bite triggers a race to end of the world's supplies of that item. I have to completely abstain.

Since I had my "eureka" moment, it has been so easy for me to turn down a binge. Because my binges come in patterns, I am quickly reminded of the last time I binged that exact same way. It's Sunday night, I'm bored, I'm sad the weekend is over, I'll order Chinese. Nope. Remember when you did that last time? You woke up Monday with self-loathing that weighed 2 tons, and your entire week was crappy because you continued to remind yourself how stupid you are. Or...I'll tell myself: Remember how good I felt the morning after I turned a binge down? That works, too.

Binge eaters and food addicts don't get the luxury of putting the bottle down, walking away, and never touching it again. We have to abstain from certain foods, certain social situations, certain drinks, etc... We obviously can't quit food cold turkey. We would die.

I think the reason so many people succeed in losing weight is because they, too, had some sort of eureka moment. Once people give themselves a genuine reason to shed the pounds, there is nothing that can deter their desire to succeed. It could be that they've been diagnosed with diabetes, or fired from work because they became too unreliable, or busted a knee cap... whatever the reason... it is powerful and it is enough. Like I said, my moment was just plain boredom. I get bored easily with pretty much everything in life, so it's a wonder it's taken me this long to get bored with binge eating and the consequences that come along with it. I've also been dealing with scary high blood pressure, so my health is playing a huge role in my motivation.

The good news is that I haven't gained any weight, so I've got that going for me as I discover new things that will entertain me, and keep that second Lori out of my life.

The Fear of "Being Found Out"

"One of our greatest fears is the fear of being found out. It's why we spend so much time posturing and pretending to be someone we're not. We spend so much time trying to cover the mistakes of our past that we truly don't even know who we are anymore. While we fear being found out, we simultaneously long to be fully known and fully loved. But here's the problem: you can only be loved to the extent that you are known." -Pete Wilson

Isn't that a great quote? My biggest fears aren't tangible. While I had rather not have a snake or a mouse cross my path, I'm not "scared" of them. Heights, deep water, darkness, zombies, vampires, big foot... ....meh. I can do with or without. What I am afraid of is people "finding out" what I dub "the real me." My binge habits, the messiness and the clutter in my house that pair themselves with one of my binges. Or the fact that sometimes when I'm really depressed and lazy I just slide my porch door open and let Ziggy "go" out there instead of giving him the attention and the exercise he deserves with a walk.

Andy Stanley says that the "reason we fear the consequences of confession is because we've yet to realize the consequences of concealment."

I am fearful of someone walking in my house and seeing my dishes piled up or the clutter all over the place. I'm normally a VERY neat and organized person... unless I've gone on a binger. I have not dealt with the "consequences of concealment" because I just simply don't let people in my house during these times. I am able to hide it. I conceal it. Therefore, I am afraid of what will happen if I confess these habits to someone. What will they think? Will I become nasty to them? Will they treat me like I deserve to be on an episode of hoarders or something?

If we are hiding our bad habits from the people who love us, we are not letting them love the whole us. Their love stops at that point where we close the door on them. For me, the love and support of my friends and family is my biggest support system. How can I expect them to do their job as cheerleaders if they don't see the whole picture? I'm not saying that you should leave your house in a rat-infested wreck just to "admit" it to someone, but confessing that you are hiding things is the first step towards letting someone in to a part of you that has been quarantined and cut off for a very long time. Do you eat while your spouse is sleeping? Do you sneak off and get fast food when someone thinks you're running errands? Do you eat the leftovers off of your family's plates while you're cleaning up? Do you stash candy away for future cravings?

Stop hiding. Face your fears head on and let them go away.

Here's an example of a fear I overcame: I don't know why, but all of a sudden in college I started getting extremely nervous when I had to stand in front of the class and give presentations and speeches (hard to believe, I know).  I had spoken and performed in front of people my entire life and I loved being on center stage! I've played my cello in front of hundreds of people hundreds of times and loved each time. I remember the day that fear got the best of me--- it was in my first marketing class. I don't remember what the speech was, but I was soooo nervous. I shook, my voice was shaky, I stumbled over my words... I was a hot mess. I could not for the life of me figure out why I was so nervous. Since I knew that I was going to be entering a career where I had to present myself in front of a lot of people, I wasn't having it. For the rest of college I volunteered to be the speaker for every group project, I spoke at my sorority meetings, I did anything I could do to help me overcome this fear that just came out of no where. It was very scary the first several times after that marketing speech. I was afraid the night before, the morning of, and during. Even afterwards I was still rattled. But I kept doing it until that fear was gone. I was STILL SPEAKING while I was afraid. I grasped fear and fought it. Now I give a presentation every single day at work and I love it!

I could not have overcome my fear of speaking in public had I not thrown myself in the ring and fought it. I would still be scared to this day.

Think about something you are afraid of. What have you done to fight that fear? The fear that's associated with our food addiction, binge eating disorder, unhealthy habits, etc... is the only thing keeping us from overcoming. If we are afraid of what lies on the other side, why in the world would we want to cross the bridge that takes us there? Who knows what waits for us! But isn't it better to try crossing the bridge and taking a look, than to stand there wondering for the rest of our lives? Think about how much time you've already wasted wondering how much better your life might be if you finally lost the weight you've been carrying around for 10 years? I mean, if you absolutely hated being thinner and healthier, you could always just go back to your fatter and more miserable self, right?

I am afraid of what I will do when I give up my habits. If I never binge again, what will I look forward to? I enjoy sitting my ass on my couch watching tv with a big bowl of cheesy pasta by myself.
Wait a minute, that sounds horrible when I say that out loud. "Sitting on my ass watching tv with a big bowl of cheesy pasta...by myself." Ugh. If someone gave me 3 choices of how I could spend my afternoon and that was one of them I would laugh.
Point being: How can I be afraid of losing something that I don't even really  want to be doing in the first place?

Isn't losing weight just one big session of overcoming fears? Trying new food, doing new exercises, eating less, eating more, drinking less, drinking more water, finding accountability...These are all things that seem scary at first. But just like my fear of speaking- I am willing to face the fear of losing weight head on. I'm tired of wondering how wonderful my life could be if I finally crossed the bridge. No more hiding behind my fear.

An Obsession with being Compulsive

I have to get pretty beaten down before I let something affect me. So it's no surprise to me that "compulsive" is used to describe my overeating. When I set my mind to do something I become totally OBSESSED with it. I go above and beyond in every aspect possible. I will push and shove until I reach my goals. When I get to the point that my efforts become futile and external circumstances hinder me from reaching my perceived end result, it isn't pretty for anyone involved. I will push a barrel of bricks uphill for as long as I can. It will take something major happening for me to let it go. I have to be devastated repeatedly before I will give up. It is exhausting. While I am in said uphill battle, I totally forget that I have obsessive compulsive disorder, which is extremely dangerous. From work, to personal relations, to losing weight... It is nearly impossible for me to function like a normal human being. I want everything to be perfect, no glitches, no mistakes. And when my mental, physical, and emotional efforts prove useless, that barrel of bricks comes crashing down on everything and everyone involved in my efforts. Once I reach this point, it is nearly impossible for me to try again. I have seen it happen too many times. I become complacent and all the passion and energy I invested in it is either gone for good or transferred to my next obsession.

 Long time ago my mother told me about the first time she knew I had OCD: I was a toddler. She was in grad school (for a Ph.D. in therapy, by the way) and I was in one of her professor's offices. While no one was looking, I apparently re-organized all of her professor's books by color. I put all the reds together on the bookshelf, the greens, the blues, etc... It only got worse as I got older. I still have to have everything in my house in perfect order. I share a desk at work with multiple people and it absolutely drives me mad!

 I keep fighting with my compulsive behaviors with my losing weight efforts. It seems like I am so close, then BOOM! Brick wall. If I was HALF as obsessed with exercising as I was with wondering where my next meal is going to come from, I would be in a much better place.

I found this excerpt in a notepad I had laying around:

"I have just felt so horrible and fat and gross all day. I feel like my throat is gonna get swallowed up by my double chin. Disgusting. I keep wondering how I would feel had I NOT binged last night."

I don't know when I wrote this, or what I binged on the night before. What I DO know is that the after effects of a binge are the same. It doesn't matter if I ate an entire pizza before bed, or got drunk and ate Taco Bell at 3am... I feel horrible and crappy the next day. 

"Much as we hate to admit it, an honest review of our behavior as compulsive overeaters shows clearly that in spite of the strongest resolve to stop overeating, we continue. Night after night we go to bed gorged and disgusted; we get up the next morning full of undigested food and fresh determination to maintain control; and before the day is over, we have done it again. No amount of willpower can pull us out of the quicksand." --Elisabeth L., "Twelve Steps for Overeaters."

Step One of "Overeaters Anonymous" explains in detail why willpower is not enough. "We admitted we were powerless over food- that our lives had become unmanageable." What does this step mean for you? For me it means that I am controlled by an obsession with food. I will find myself in the drive through or at the grocery store without a solid memory of making a conscious decision to be there. It means that some piece of food is in my mouth before I even had time to think before I eat. 

Eventually this loss of power over food will make you hit rock bottom. My rock bottom has happened several times, but I always manage to get back on my feet again, only to slowly but surely sink back to the lowest of the lows. Remember: fat is a SYMPTOM of our illness. Fat is not the reason we're sick. I know I repeat this in every blog, but food addicts are no different that alcoholics or meth heads. The symptoms of addiction are not the problem. Our illness is the problem. My symptoms? Obesity, bad skin, indigestion, heart problems, PCOS, high blood pressure, depression, unstable emotions, extreme anxiety, sleep apnea, and general bitchiness. I'm like a ticking time bomb for a life-threatening disease. 

I love Elisabeth L.'s description on how recovery begins: "Recovery begins when we admit defeat and declare bankruptcy." What a concept: Declare 'bankruptcy' to begin recovering. Wipe everything out and start all over. Never you mind all of the things in your past that haven't worked. This is a new solution to the problem. Let the barrel of bricks go; start a new battle. 

I have made remarkable steps in my food addiction recovery. Really my main problem now is binging when I get home from work. That has always been my main problem, but I have learned to manage a lot of my other bad habits. I am so unhappy with my work schedule (the schedule, not the job itself), that I get all in a tizzy at work because some random something leads me to get depressed and angry and anxious every night. I work Mon-Fri until 10:30 at night. The worst schedule known to man. I feel like I am so deprived of so many great things I could be doing with my life. I see my friends out at dinner, at wine club, book club, evening bike rides, at a concert, etc... and I get so down! I have a high stress job, so the first thing I want to do when I get off is... eat! binge! drown my sorrows in something crunchy, cheesy, and salty. I do it so that all of the other emotions of the evening will disappear. Then I move on to new emotions: guilt, regret, and shame. Which makes things worse. 

Even though I feel like I have pinpointed an exact reason for one of my compulsive overeating behaviors, that circumstance is impossible to change. My hours will not change unless I get a new job. So since this is not something I am willing to do, I am learning what can be changed inside when external conditions cannot be changed. 

Guilt, regret, shame: the 3 emotions I like to call the "maskoteers." They stick together and they're tough as hell. They're basically all the same word, but with slight variations, Shame tends to mean that you know you did something wrong. Guilt means you don't feel great about a decision because someone probably got the shaft. (That person is usually you when it comes to your food addiction). Regret is the worst of them all. Regret takes your past and throws it in front of you every chance it can so that you never move on. These emotions mask what is really going on and they hinder your ability to recover. They are coming straight from that "dealer" inside your head. Your dealer wants to keep you down. Who makes good decisions when they're riddled with negative emotions? I know I don't. If I'm feeling shameful and regretful, I am not going to get off my couch. But if I'm feeling proud and happy, I am motivated to get up and move forward with the next healthy decision that is waiting for me.

My pastor (Pete Wilson) has a great saying: "Your past is not your past if it's still impacting your present. If you don't learn to transform the pain, you'll just transfer it." He also says that our past will determine how we respond to similar situations in the future. I interpret this to mean that if regret, shame, and guilt are still attached to your past, it will be nearly impossible to change how you react in the future. The maskoteers have got to go. Throw them out the window. They are toxic. Replace your memories, trick your dealer... tell yourself that you are truly grateful and pleased that you made mistakes in the past. You've been there done that so that your future can only get better! 

When I wake up feeling determined that TODAY will be the day that my journey continues towards the light and not the dark, I make a plan. I get excited about the plan and I feel great. But then the MINUTE by plan gets interrupted, I spiral downwards. My obsessiveness and compulsiveness start doing their thing and I lose all control. Then I start to feel: shameful, guilty, and regretful that I am not following my plan. Which makes my dealer happy, and the next thing I know, I am going to visit him on the corner of Taco Bell and Pizza Hut. 

I honestly don't think that there is a "cure" for compulsive overeating, but I think that setting rules, allowing slips, and reminding myself that it's okay to stray a little will help me stop obsessing over every little thing I do wrong and focus on what I am doing right! 

Food Addiction: The Science

This post comes with much hesitation and trepidation, but I am compelled to share the science behind food addiction with you. I hope you find it as amazing as I do. 

The first day of the "Food Addiction Recovery" workshop I attended at Hilton Head Health was dedicated to the research and the truth of food addiction. It was very hard to sit through, but it was enlightening to know the truth. Although I have paraphrased quite a bit, the majority of this post comes from the information I learned at the workshop.

I am a food addict. And it is real. No matter how many times I have written it and said it the past few months, I don't think I REALLY believed it until I saw the scientific evidence. So buckle your seat belts and embrace yourself for a mind-blowing scientific experience.

Yeah, Science!

2013 marked a year of groundbreaking food addiction science and it is now one of the fastest growing research studies in the U.S. Despite all that, you still can't get "officially diagnosed" as a food addict.
Obesity HAS, however, been defined as a brain disorder based on how food affects the brain. And like most diseases- if not managed or treated, it will eventually kill you.

Let's start with just defining addiction in general.

The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as:

A primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.
Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

Let's break this definition down a little bit.

Progressive: Addiction does not happen overnight. An alcoholic does not get drunk once and then immediately meets all the aforementioned criteria of an addict. But over time, they slowly but surely live up to the definition. A food addict might start with overeating by one slice of pizza. Then two, then three, then eventually binging on a whole pizza by themselves. The progressiveness of food addiction is the reason why we gain more after dieting.
Reward: What have you lost because of your food addiction? For me, I have cut time with loved ones short so that I could binge. The reward overpowered my ability to just "be present." As long as I am seeking a reward in the form of food, I am not fully present in whatever situation I'm in.
Relapse and Remission: "Coming clean" then going back to addiction. Hello: yo-yo dieting!

Some questions to ask yourself when it comes to accepting a food addiction are: How does your life revolve around food? How much money do you spend on food?

So now that we are pretty sure we have a food addiction based on that definition, how could it possibly be diagnosed?

Yale Food Addiction Scale is one tool.

Read the DSM-IV Substance Dependence Criteria:

Now, read the column on the right- they are observations from self-identified food addicts:

It seems pretty clear to me that uh... hell yeah! Food addiction is an addiction, just like any other.  (remember, I am not certified in medicine, psychology, or anything as related to this subject) Some psychologists argue that certain people are born with an "addictive personality" and that it is only a matter of time before they develop an addiction to a substance. There are many theories as to what actually "causes" a food addiction. Genetics, emotional stress and dysfunction with processing emotions, family history of addiction, neurotransmitter imbalance, nutritional deficiency, toxic food environment, food allergies and intolerance, metabolic disturbances, hormonal imbalance, compromised digestions, etc... If you want to really dig deep and get to the bottom of your addiction, talk to a psychologist or doctor. Personally, I feel that I am pre-disposed to addiction based on my family's history. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which goes hand in hand with Addiction.

Alright, so we've defined addiction in general, and we've diagnosed our addiction to food- what's next? Here comes the complicated part.

Take at look at these brain scans from Dr. Peeke's Website and see if you can tell which one's different:

The normal brain has some red stuff in it- what is that?
 THAT, my friends is a glorious neurotransmitter called Dopamine.
Dopamine is produced in the part of the brain that is associated with reward. It drives our behavior and is associated with survival. For addicts, it's the spike of dopamine that interests us, but unfortunately, that spike comes in the anticipation of eating, as opposed to the actual eating itself. We are rewarded before the food even reaches our mouths!! The reward of eating is blunted because our brain has been flooded with dopamine as we think about eating. The same thing happens in a cocaine user and an alcoholic. Non-addicts have the opposite effect. In this picture, the normal brain is having a dopamine spike during eating, whereas there is no red stuff in the obese brain during eating.

Addicts are constantly chasing a high of some sort because the reward is never there during the substance use. The actual consumption does not match the anticipation. Dopamine has to bond with a receptor. The addict's brain is so flooded during the anticipation, it can't attach to the act of eating because it got so overwhelmed beforehand. So this is what people mean when they say they are "numb" during binges. You aren't truly able to eat with your senses fully intact. Your brain is already worn out. In other words, a non-food addict actually enjoys eating more than a food addict. It's not actually the eating that we love so much, it's the thought of eating that keeps us chasing the high. but since our brains are hijacked by dopamine, we never feel satisfied, hence the constantly reaching for more.

Whew. That's a lot to take in, isn't it? I don't know about you, but learning that my brain looks the same as a cocaine user is not pleasant. In fact, it's effin' depressing. The good news is that it doesn't always have to be that way. Through mindful eating practices and overcoming addiction, we can learn to appreciate food as we're meant to: nourishment.

The way I look at food addiction now is that I have shifted the way I look at my weight problem, so now the solution has changed. It's not about eating better and exercising more (that's a no-brainer). It's about learning to control the addiction and managing it.

I have spent a lot of time blaming everything under the sun except for myself. There are some scientific findings that confirm food can be addictive i.e. sugar, but addiction cannot be completely blamed on that. BTW, did you know that sugar is addictive at a primitive level? No sweet foods found in nature are dangerous, so our primal minds tell us that sweet foods are safe. I would bet money that candy companies are aware of this :) Studies have shown that sugar stimulates the brain's reward centers through dopamine, just like other addictive drugs.

How do you overcome food addiction? 

First, you have to remove shame.
Shame is an emotion your addiction wants you to feel. Your "dealer" will do everything it can to keep the addiction going.I consider my dealer as that little voice in my head that constantly overpowers my will and leads me to binge. The dealer gives me 1,000 reasons as to why it's ok to overeat and overindulge.

Next you have to find what makes you aware of your addiction. For me, I ordered a pizza after accepting that I was a food addict and I did not enjoy it at all. That awareness helped me say no the next time my dealer started offering me some "drugs."

Say no to the foods that you KNOW are designed to keep you addicted: sugar products and highly palatable foods engineered by the food industry to go down easily (fast food and junk food).

"There's a biological basis for why it's so hard for millions of Americans to resist food. We are all wired to focus on the most salient stimuli in our environment. For some of us, it could be alcohol; it could be illegal drugs; it could be gambling, sex, or tobacco. For many of us, though, one of the most salient stimuli in our environment is food. And how do you make food even more salient? Fat, sugar, and salt." Former FDA Commissioner David Kessler, MD

Join a support group such as Overeaters Anonymous. Seek counseling. Ask a friend to be your confidant.

Come up with "Food Rules" that you just HAVE to stick to forever and ever. Right now I have two rules that I will follow for the rest of my life. I hope to eventually add more, but for now I am struggling enough to stick to just these:

1) I don't eat pizza. (I've been pizza-free for 8 weeks now)
2) I don't eat what I can't eat in front of others. (in other words, I don't binge. I have not stuck to this one quite as strictly)

The obvious one: Just say no.

Withdrawal will happen. 

And it sucks. And it will bring on lots of not-so-fun emotions. But remember that they are just that: emotions. You are not defined by them and it's just your addiction talking anyways. They'll go away eventually. When I decided to give up pizza for good I experienced a large amount of grief. And anxiety and depression, and sadness. As I was writing the words "I don't eat pizza" for the first time, I started crying. I know this may seem silly to some of you, but giving up something that I attached myself to for so many years as a way of coping was unfathomable. It's not just about the pizza itself, it's about the act of binging. Binging has blanketed me. It has held me as I deal with my problems. The intense fear that is brought on by giving this comfort up is hard to handle. But it is do-able. People overcome addictions every day.

Do Your Research.

Completely submerge yourself into the subject of food addiction. The only thing that seems to really be working for me right now is the constant reminder that I am, in fact, addicted to food. Read about it, Google it, write about it.
Some of my recommendations:
"The Hunger Fix" by Dr. Peeke
"Eat to Live" by Dr. Fuhrman
The Food Addiction Institute: http://foodaddictioninstitute.org/scientific-research/
Overeaters Anonymous: http://www.oa.org/

Will it go away?

This is just my opinion here, but I say no. I am on board with the scientists and psychologists who believe that there are two types of people: those born with addictive genes, and those who are not. I say this because I have some friends with addictions and some without. The ones without simply cannot fathom how someone cannot utilize self-control. The addicts get it. I know people with all kinds of addictions: food, drugs, alcohol, exercise, cigarettes, etc... I also know people who have become sober. I know for a fact that they are not "cured" just because they no longer overeat, smoke, or drink. The addiction struggle never goes away. Managing it gets easier, but the urges will always be there. Lisette, the woman who led the Food Addiction Recovery workshop at H3 labels herself as a "recovering food addict." She has kept her weight off for 7 years (and she looks amazing, btw), but she says she still has the same "monkey chatter" in her head whenever a food craving comes on. But because she has given herself tools and resources to manage her addiction, she is able to fight it.

This won't be the last of the food addiction posts. Please share your story with me, as well as any research you find! The more I learn about the subject, the more I'm motivated to "conquer" it!

What is True Hunger?

I recently read Dr. Fuhrman's phenomenal book "Eat to Live." As you probably guessed, the concept is about "Eating to live" as opposed to "Living to eat." For food addicts like myself, living to eat is something we know all too well. I live for the next time I can shovel something down my throat. I look forward to binging. I get excited about eating. But these emotions are not because I'm TRULY hungry. I psych myself into thinking I'm hungry, despite the fact that I just ate 2 hours previously. Dr. Fuhrman defines true hunger as in the throat, NOT the stomach. Here is an excerpt from his website:

I get headaches and I get grouchy as hell if I go too long in between meals. But I have learned that it's because I am neglecting my addiction and NOT my need for food. I've been tested for hypoglocemia, but I came out "clean!" So, it is official that those headaches and bitchiness are not true hunger symptoms.When I was feeling really weird on my trip last weekend I tried eating something because food has always made my headaches go away. I've always associated headaches with hunger. But food did not make me feel any better this time. For years I have paired headaches with hunger, so my mind thinks they are interchangeable. Headache = need to eat. Go too long without eating = headache. Just like someone who is giving up caffeine or cigarettes: the only way to get rid of the headache is to either cure your addiction, or give in to your addiction.

 I explored the thought of "throat hunger" and I wondered if I had ever actually experienced it. I could only think of ONE time in my ENTIRE life where I felt hunger in my throat-- I was in high school. I was a cheerleader and I was obsessed with my looks. Even though I was not fat by any means, I always felt like I was huge because I was bigger than all the other cheerleaders. At 5'8" with muscles, I felt like I looked like an amazon in comparison to the 4'9" size twos. I was feeling really down one day, so I decided to give Anorexia a shot. I didn't eat anything all day. After school let out I had tennis lessons at the country club- I remember pulling up and feeling nauseous. I went straight to the bathroom and dry heaved. There were some chocolate mints in a bowl and I devoured them all. As you can imagine, anorexia was never anything I had a problem with again. I remember thinking how weird it seemed to me that I would feel nauseous if my stomach was empty. How can you throw up if there's nothing in there? That memory stays with me because I have never felt like that since then. 

Our bodies are so much smarter than we give them credit for. Listen to them.

Letting Go

I think terminology plays a big role in weight-changing efforts. I try to use positive words that will encourage me to keep going. Instead if saying "I can't eat French fries," try saying: "steamed veggies are a better choice." Instead of: "I have to cut fried foods out of my diet," say: "I am going to choose healthier options."

 I've let go of 6 pounds, an inch and a half off my arm, and 4 off my waist! I like saying "let go" or "gotten rid of" because "losing" weight or inches implies they have been misplaced and could return again :) 

My Last Nerve

I officially hate airplanes.

No, I am not scared of flying, or of heights, or of the chance of spotting a "sign" hidden in a crop circle that will cause a white girl with greasy black hair to emerge from my television and kill my family -- I love that part. I just hate everything else about them. 

The delays, the steadily declining customer service, the seats that are just too damn small, the inconsistency of the length of the seat belts (will I need an extender this time or will I be saved the embarrassment?), the medical emergency where I think I'm dying...

You read that right. 

I had a medical emergency this week as I was flying back from L.A.

War Eagle, btw- I was there for the National Championship game.  I wish I could blame the emergency on the heartbreaking loss of my Auburn Tigers, but I had sympoms leading up to the game that I chose to ignore. Like an idiot. 

At the end of last week I had some really weird feelings in my chest and left arm and a racing heartbeat, even when I was just sitting still. I'm a pretty anxious person anyways, so I figured it was just nerves of paying the bills and the trip out to Cali, so I chose to ignore it.

Come Saturday night, the first night of the trip, I woke up to a scary moment: I felt like I was falling off the bed and both of my arms were cold and asleep. I wasn't falling off the bed. I was completely still.Again, I ignored it, went back to sleep, and partied on in L.A. the next day.

Sunday and Monday: dizziness, racing heart, chest pain, tingling limbs. Ignored. 

Helloooo Beverly Hills! Well color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two! (sorry, I had to)

Tuesday: I'm feeling extremely weird and I tell myself that I am going to Vanderbilt's ER the minute I land in Nashville. I was praying that I would just make it back home. On the plane from L.A. to Seattle my left arm went completely numb and my chest felt like it was exploding. My heart was racing 90 to nothing, and my blood pressure skyrocketed to hypertension emergency level. My face went numb, I felt like firecrackers were going off in my eyeballs, my thighs were cold, and other random parts of my body were falling asleep. 

 The flight attendant had to page out for "medical personnel on board" and we had to do a special landing so I could get on an ambulance. The most embarrassing time of my life. My mom was freaking out that it was signs of diabetes, which in turn got me worried. I started freaking out that I had contracted diabetes and that it was too late- my arm was going to have to be cut off, along with all the other parts of my body that were numb. She told the flight attendant to get me some orange juice, but as I was semi-out of it, I somehow knew that all I needed was water. I refused the OJ. Once we landed, the flight attendant had to page out that there was an ambulance meeting us and that everyone needed to stay put until I got off the plane. 

HOW EMBARRASSING. 

I have never felt so bad about myself in my entire life. My mother is worried to death that I am entering a diabetic coma-- I felt so guilty, and still do, for putting her through that. The look on her face as I was in the ambulance absolutely broke my heart.

Our bodies are so brilliant. I knew that this episode had nothing to do with my glucose level. I don't know how, but I just did. I knew it was heart/blood pressure related. I could feel it. I thought I was having a stroke or a heart attack. 

Once we get in the ambulance they checked my blood pressure (which had scooted down to a nice "low" of 152/108 by that time), my glucose, tested the circulation of the blood in my left arm (the numb one), and a bunch of other tests to see what was going on. Luckily they did not see any signs of a stroke or heart attack, or blood clots, or anything that required an immediate trip to the emergency room. The left arm numbness is still a mystery, but one of the medics felt as if it could have been from nerve damage. They suggested I get some rest and see my regular doctor as soon as I could. The blood pressure was the main concern- it had to come down or I could suffer from some very serious organ damage should it get that high again.

We still had to fly from Seattle to Atlanta, then from there to Nashville. I was worried to death about the long flight, but there was nothing we could do. Since the polar bear vortex of death had all of America delayed and jammed up, we had several hours to decompress before the flight from SeaTac to ATL. But the minute we got in the air my left arm fell asleep. I took lots of deep breaths, and drank gallons of cold water. I kept my blood pressure down through silently meditating and praying. 

My left arm was asleep for the entire 4 hour flight.

P.S. those medics in Seattle were the sexiest men I've ever seen. 

Wednesday: I saw my doctor. I've lost 6 pounds since the last time I saw her! Blood pressure was 142/106. A little better, but alarming enough that she prescribed me blood pressure medicine. Then came the: "A person in their 20s has no business being on blood pressure medicine lecture." They did an immediate EKG and scheduled me for a cardio stress test and an echo. They also took my blood to examine for a bunch of other stuff. Doc thinks that I have a pinched nerve in my neck that caused the arm numbness, which led me to freak out, which skyrocketed my blood pressure, and being in a plane didn't help. Since both she and the medic believe that the arm numbness is coming from some sort of nerve damage, I feel slightly less paranoid that I have some serious underlying condition. Nonetheless, she is worried about my heart, my high blood pressure, and wants to make absolutely sure that there aren't any blocked arteries, or weird heart diseases causing the tingling, dizziness, racing heart beat, and all-around funkiness. 

Friday: I go in for the cardio stress test and the echo. Blood results came back normal all-around. Whew! Stress test consisted of weird breathing exercises through torture-chamber looking equipment, and riding on a stationary bike. The echo was basically an ultrasound for my heart. It was awkward and weird, and I hated it. Both results should come back at the beginning of the week. I was diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse several years ago after overdosing on diet pills as a college cheerleader, so I'm scared that led to more serious heart problems as I gained weight. But hey, I've got all weekend to obsess and worry about what the results will be, so why get into all that tonight? ;)

It's so frustrating for me right now because I've lost 50 pounds, but yet these symptoms are just now showing up. I am currently prescribed to FOUR medications to treat the symptoms of my obesity: blood pressure, anxiety, and PCOS. Being overweight is slowly but surely killing me. Once I lose weight, these symptoms will go away and I will no longer have to be on medicine! As far as the frustration goes, I had to remind myself that symptoms of any disease or addiction are patient. A meth head doesn't lose all their teeth after getting high one time. An alcoholic doesn't have liver damage after getting drunk one time. An obese person doesn't develop high blood pressure and sleep apnea after binging for the first time. The symptoms slowly build up and if not managed, they will develop into diseases that will kill you.

Lately I have been showing out like crazy- drinking too much, not exercising like I should, binging, and eating portions big enough for a megalodon. These habits have been increasing my blood pressure and causing me anxiety because I know better. I honestly feel like this pinched nerve in my neck/arm, or whatever, was a sign that I have got to get better. If I had not felt my arm go numb, I would have had no idea that my blood pressure in that plane was at an emergency level that needed medical attention. The plane increased my blood pressure, and having the left side of my body go numb was my body's way of saying: 

HEY! You're literally getting on your heart's last nerve. 

And you will die. 

If the whole plane debacle had not have happened, I sure as hell would not have gone to the doctor; ergo... my scary high blood pressure would have gone unnoticed for who knows how long.

I don't think that we are given many chances in this life, and we have to be aware of the signs in front of us. Never again will I ignore what my body is trying to tell me. If we had not landed when we had, my hypertension emergency level blood pressure would have caused permanent organ damage.I could have died. Until I know what is going on with my heart right now, I am also thinking grateful thoughts that this happened, or I would not have gotten my heart checked out. 

If you think you might have high blood pressure, I suggest going to a pharmacy and checking it (most have free machines). Here is the American Heart Association's website- a great resource for learning about blood pressure. Understanding Blood Pressure

Saved By The Ball

The meatball that is...

Mmmm. It's a great day for a big steamy bowl of spicy meatball and pepper soup! Only 300 cals for two cups! 

All morning I have been fighting with my food addiction "dealer." It was like war- you don't know how bad I wanted to order delivery food and chow down! But I made a sensible lunch and enacted my "mindful eating" practices, and I am totally satisfied! Winning against the "dealer" is so rewarding. You HAVE to let yourself win a few battles. Do it. Tell yourself no... I promise this journey only gets easier. But to start the journey, you HAVE to cast your fears aside.

 What's the point in starting an adventure if you already know all the steps you'll take? 

Writing the Wrongs

I learned so much from Lisette Cifaldi's Food Addiction Recovery Workshop at Hilton Head Health this weekend, it is hard for me to know where to begin. I have several wonderful posts coming your way, but I will start with this letter that I wrote to my body. I am feeling really good about my future in this journey and I think that I have a whole new set of knowledge that you will benefit from. I encourage you to take a few moments to write a letter to yourself as well. You might be surprised at the words that appear.

Dear Body of Mine,

         First of all, thank you for putting up with everything I've put you through. I don't deserve to still be in such great health. You clearly love me way more than I love you. I continue to abuse you over and over again, but you are still there for me- standing tall. I never thought that I would be the abusive partner in a relationship; I've always considered myself a pretty loving and caring person. I have not loved you. I haven't given you the 5-star treatment  you deserve. I have called you horrible names. I have made fun of the ugly scars that I have given you (stretch marks).

          I want to change our relationship. I want to be healthy. Please forgive me for the repeated abuse I have inflicted on you. You don't deserve it. This is a new me and you. While I can't undo the physical damage I have riddled you with, I CAN release the heavy layers I've laid between us. All I ask is that you continue to bless me with your wonderful gift of life until we reach our goals. 

Love,

Lori

I mean honestly, if I spoke to my friends the way I spoke to myself and my body I would have NO friends left. No one would stick around with the way I treat myself! 

There are so many things that I am capable of doing that I don't give my body proper credit for:

-Triathlons and 5ks

-Running, hiking, kayaking, etc...

-Crossfit

-LIVING

-Smiling

-Writing

-Cooking

-Reading

-Walking

-Tennis

-Cello

I am so grateful that I am STILL able to do so many of my favorite things! After the DECADE of abuse I have put my body through, I really don't think that I deserve to still be able to do so many wonderful active things.I am so thankful that I still have my health today. Tomorrow? I will wake up and I will still be obese, and at risk for diabetes and heart disease. But I cannot continue to let myself think like that. For me to overcome this, I HAVE to "write the wrongs" and make things right. A negative body image will ONLY make things worse. 

Instead of focusing on everything I hate about my body, I need to focus on the things I love. We were supposed to come up with 5 things, but I can only come up with 3 for right now. I am working on this. Eventually I will fall in love with my body all over again and I will have hundreds of things I love!

-My quads (that's right- I love my killer quads)

-I love that I am strong

-My smile

Positive body image will happen over time and it is not something I can just "fake it until I make it." If I am feeling disgusted by the way I look, I can't fake liking it. I have actually cancelled plans because I simply did not like how I looked in anything I tried on. 

I HATE feeling great about the way I look and then seeing a picture of me later. It crushes any positive vibes I have going. Which... makes me eat.

It will take some time for me to right all the wrongs I have created, but for the meantime I can look at them head on and "Write the Wrongs."

Fat Camp Round 2!

Guess where I'm headed? Back to "Fat Camp!" I'm leaving for Hilton Head Health shortly. I can't wait to be back in that environment. This time I'm attending a special "food addiction" workshop. I can't wait to share all the new things I learn with you! 

Progress through the Buttons on a Plus-Sized Peacoat

This time last year I was snug in this size 3X peacoat. Today I can literally button up a whole other person in there with me! 

Accepting the Truth

I got a lot of response to a recent post called "Fattict."

Since it created so much feedback, I wanted to delve into the subject a little more. 

The topic of food addiction seems to be gaining a lot of attention, and deservedly so. 

What is a fattict? Fat, addiction,and food- there is a connection: food addiction. And it is as real as the words you see on this paper. I have fallen victim. There are times when I think that I am just using it as an excuse for my years and years of harming myself with food. But then there are more days when I remember how powerless I have become over food. When a craving strikes I lose all control and my willpower goes out the window. It is scary and I know that I am not alone in this struggle. I have put my trust in the Twelve Step program mastermind by Bill Wilson in his renowned "Alcoholics Anonymous" program adapted for people like me: compulsive eaters. Overeaters Anonymous has saved my life, literally. Everyone says the end result is worth the effort, and I have finally given into that mantra. My reward: living through my thirties without diabetes and heart problems. I have spent all of my 20s addicted to food, feeling helpless and alone. I refuse to let another decade of my life be controlled by food. I want to live and I want to be happy!

It's easy to hide food addiction. Trust me, I've been there. I have spent years trying everything the world has to offer in terms of weight loss. Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Paleo, Physician's Fast, P90X... just to name a few. There were even three months of my life when I was a strict vegan, then just a vegetarian. Not a single of them worked for me in the long run. It wasn't because I wasn't motivated to lose weight or because the programs don't work. They didn't work for me because I never once even thought to address the real problem: addiction. Who even things about being addicted to food? You have to have it in your life to survive. It's much easier to just think that you are doing the diet thing the wrong way, and that eventually one of them has to work for you. I even seriously considered having weight loss surgery, but I knew that without fixing my mind, it would fail. Just like all of my other efforts.
 

I am in the process of overcoming food addiction. I will fall and I will get back up again. Eventually, though- I will be able to invest enough of my self-worth into my own health and I know that you can do the same. Everything you read here is real. Nothing is made up. I am putting myself out there 100% in the hopes that at least ONE person can discover what I have: it is possible to win this war. 

So put that bag of chips down, and let's do this! Together!



Accepting The Truth

How in the hell did this Chalupa get in my mouth? Let's back step here. I'm in my car heading home from work. The next thing I know I am in the drive through at Taco Bell. How did I get here? I just ate dinner two hours ago, didn't I? What the hell am I doing? Did I actually have a conversation with myself to get here? Who decided I wanted to stuff myself with Chalupas instead of just taking my ass home to bed where I need to be? Oh well, I paid for it, so I'm going to eat it, aren't I? Ugh, the indigestion. Pop a Tums, move on. Keep binging. The next morning the first thing I see is the gigantic cup of Mountain Dew Baja Blast leaking all over my nightstand. Condensating asshole. So now, my day is ruined because I woke up to bad news: I binged on cheap tacos and now I hate myself and am unable to get over it all day. Less than 24 hours later there is a pizza delivered to my house. Large pizza all the meats? Scarfed down. Woof. Indigestion again. That pizza box by my front door is the last thing I see as I'm rushing out to work. Self-loathing ensues all day and I am a horrible bitch to everyone who crosses me.

Does anything of this sound familiar? Of course it does, that's why you read my blog. Did you think that you were the only person who is certifiably insane by means of repeating the food addiction cycle? You're not. Millions of people are addicted to food. I don't remember the moment it hit me, but damn I'm glad it did. It was at some point early Fall of this year. I spent every fucking year in my 20s giving in to cravings and binges. What a waste!

Accepting the fact that you are addicted to food is the first step to overcoming it. How do you know if you are a compulsive eater? Tally up your normal food intake. How much of it is ingested out of true hunger, and how much is from emotional eating? If the majority of your food intake is out of anything other than physical hunger, then yes- you might have a food addiction. Do you NEED food when you are dealing with strong emotions? Are you obese or overweight? Then yes, you might be a compulsive eater.

Acceptance doesn't happen in a few minutes, it can take months, days, or even years to truly realize how addicted to food you really are. It took almost a year for me to really realize how deep into addiction I am. I went to a health retreat in the spring of this year and attended an awesome "Emotional Eating" seminar by Lisette Cifaldi. Learning that emotional eating is a consistent pattern was the best thing to ever happen to me. We've all heard that people, especially women, "eat their feelings." Even the movies poke fun at this idea- it seems to be out there a lot. But is the bowl of ice cream you ate during that sappy Lifetime movie last night indicative of a lifestyle of food addiction? It very well could be.

Before you can move forward with dealing with "fattiction," you need to take a lot of time accepting the truth. Be patient. It is worth it. There are no quick fixes when it comes to your health. Think of an aged wine, or a barrel of Tennessee whiskey. Time is on your side, and in the end you will be the perfect blend of happiness and health. I'm not saying it is okay to sit around and make excuses for chowing down on nachos because you're in the "accepting stage," but don't get so down on yourself if you slip up. If you aren't falling down and getting back up, you aren't learning from your mistakes. I believe that eventually this acceptance will stop a binge in its tracks. When that happens, you are on the right track. I spent weeks researching food addiction, compulsive behaviors, and emotional eating. I KNEW that my problems had a cause, but it didn't click until I stopped myself from ordering a pizza because I asked myself: "are you doing this out of hunger or emotion?" Once I asked myself that, it was AMAZING how easy it is for me to put the phone down! There are definitely times when I totally make an excuse for myself, and go ahead with the binge. I actually tell myself: you are struggling with addiction, go ahead and eat that- feel bad afterwards. Teach yourself a lesson. But here's the zinger: I don't actually enjoy it! The numbness never comes. It's like pouring salt on a wound the whole time. It hurts while I do it, and it's not rewarding. The self-loathing starts with the first bite instead of like a lingering hangover the next day.

So how do you truly accept the depths of your addiction? I suspect that it won't happen until you are truly ready for it. Taking this journey with me is a damn good place to start, though. No one can make you face the truth. It's all on you. My suggestion is to start with a little bit old school: pencil and paper. Find a quiet place with no distractions. Sit on the toilet with the door closed if that's what you have to do. Leave the iPhone and your headphones alone. Just you, and your writing tools.

Here's what I want you to write down. DON'T look ahead at the next step. Do these one at a time

-Your favorite foods. The good AND the bad. Put them all on there. This is just you, remember? Leave some space after each one.

-Then I want you to describe your relationship with EACH food item. Answer these questions: What is my first memory of eating this food? When do I eat it? What am I typically feeling when I eat this food? Don't be scared of your answers.

-Next I want you to go back and circle every emotion you see written down. For each emotion you circle, give it its own sheet of paper and write it at the top.

-So now you have a fresh sheet of paper with an emotion written at the top. For example: sad. I will use "sad" throughout this exercise, but you need to do this for all the emotions. How many times did you circle the word "sad?" How many different food items was it paired with?

-Write all those food items down on sad's paper. So what have you just done? You have identified emotions with certain foods. Feeling the heat of a light bulb above you?

-Still on sad's paper, make a list of recurring times in your life when you feel sad. Leave space underneath each one. Example: "I feel sad when I am home alone."

Under this example, write a NEW habit that you can start doing with this instance.

Instead of eating Ben and Jerry's and watching The Notebook, I will make a cup of

hot tea and go for a walk. Once you have done this for EVERY emotion, read over

your words and keep it somewhere you will reference it often.

Do you see what you're doing here? You are accepting the fact that you use food as a drug to numb certain emotions. With this action plan, you are re-training your body with new habits! If you ALWAYS eat a pint of ice cream EVERY TIME you are at home alone feeling sad, your body will naturally crave that bad eating habit every time that emotion hits! I believe that we can trick our bodies into craving something healthy in the same way we trained it to crave something that is bad for us.

Accept that you are addicted to food and all the negatives that come with it, and you are ready to move forward with a healthier and happier you!

No Skinny Girls Please!

Have you ever taken a close look at the ads Facebook generates for you? 

I had not paid the slightest bit of attention until all these started popping up recently:

First of all: Thank you, Facebook, for reminding me that I am single. As if I don't get made aware of that every damn day.

Secondly: Fuck you, Mark Zucka-whatever. Who said you could come all up into my life? I mean, is someone actually sitting there scrutinizing me so much to the point that they think that I need some meat head claiming they accept "curvy women only?" 

Ugh.

How did Facebook generate these ads? Was it based on my search history outside of Facebook? Was it some technologically advanced picture screening machine that told their marketing department I am a fat single girl? No matter how it's done, it's offensive. 

Coincidentally enough I recently watched the documentary "Big as Life" on the Discovery Channel. I didn't like it.  I found myself getting very angry at the people featured in it, and at obesity in general. There was one part in the movie where this very overweight lady was discussing the whole "BBW" thing ("Big Beautiful Woman"). Please understand that I am not discrediting people's ability to love themselves, no matter what body they're in- that's not what this is about. I have mad respect for those men and women.

 Yes, there are some men out there who genuinely prefer "curvy" or "thick" women over skinny women. And I am thankful for them, as I will never be "skinny." Thin and healthy, yes. But skinny- ain't gonna happen. The clouded belief that obesity is beautiful is so messed up that I just cannot begin to fathom it. I think it comes from my years and years of self-loathing because of  the body I have put myself in.

 I will NEVER be able to love my body as long as I am as big as I am. I don't love this body because I know it isn't me. It is a form of me that I am hiding under as I deal with a whole bunch of crap in my head.

If I don't love my body, how can I expect a man to? 

In that documentary there was some sort of fat women's support group. One of the girls talked about how there was a whole section of their group devoted to men who only want big girls. There were women who were literally over 400 pounds saying that they were beautiful and that they've never had any problems in the "man" department. One woman who was almost 500 pounds says that she lost a lot of weight at one point and "didn't like it." She claims she didn't like the way her face looked because she could see her cheek bones for the first time. I'm sorry, but I call bullshit. Big time. 

The reason we are obese is because we are out of control. It may not be "food addiction" or some sort of technical disease, but the lack of control is the underlying factor. 

These women who claim they are BBW... if they TRULY love themselves and can be 100% OK with their 200 pound overweight bodies, then props to them. Seriously. I mean that.

 I never got to the point where I was willing to accept that the fact that I was happy at 330 pounds. 

Note: Please realize that I am not talking about women who are just overweight here, I am talking about women who are actually "obese," like myself.

 We don't get to the point where we weigh 300,400,500 pounds because we just have so much love for ourselves!

There is nothing pretty about heart disease and diabetes. 

There is nothing pretty about not being able to fit into an airplane seat.

There is nothing pretty about not being able to play with your kids.

There is nothing pretty about getting laughed at because of your folds.

Most importantly: there is nothing pretty about a fupa. 

It is not pretty and sexy to tip the scales. STOP glamorizing obesity. 

Is this sexy? No.

Here I am in my underwear. I am putting myself out there for those of you who may be afraid of what your mirror might say about you. I will probably regret this picture later, lol--  but if I can encourage just ONE of you to join me in this journey, then I have won the day.

Face the truth.

 I am not saying that I think every fat person should starting hating themselves right now. 

What I am saying is that we have to stop making excuses for ourselves for being unhealthy. It is NOT someone else's problem that there is no room for them on a bench because I am overlapping into their personal space.It is MY problem that I have allowed myself to get to this point.

Instead of giving into the notion that we are just "big and beautiful," and that's the way it is, we need to BELIEVE that we are worth the effort of getting healthy. 

Yes, there might be a man out there who loves you for who you are, no matter what size you are. But do you really want a man who only wants you because you are fat? That just sounds crazy to me! Why in the world would someone want to be in a relationship solely based on the amount of cellulite someone has? And how is that any different from a man saying they only date skinny women? 

Love yourself first. But love yourself because you are being the best that you know you can be.

Fattict

I have been dabbling in the subject of food addiction for a while now. It's a sensitive subject for sure. Remember the backlash the medical world got when obesity was announced as an actual "disease?" It seemed like every person in America had something negative to say about it.

"Great, now my insurance will go up because all these fatasses can't close their f$%^*#g mouths."

"Really America? We're going to give obese people an excuse for being fat?"

"Obesity is a disease? LOL. It's called: stop eating, fatass."

Any of these sound familiar? Did any of them hurt you? Or do you agree?

For the longest time- yes, I had these same thoughts about obesity. People are fat because they: a) don't exercise and b) eat too damn much.

 But then I started to think: can't those same hurtful phrases be lashed out at alcoholics? At crackheads?

"Great, now my insurance will go up because all these crackheads can't close their f$%^*#g nostrils."

"Really America? We're going to give alcoholics an excuse for being drunk?"

"Alcoholism is a disease? LOL. It's called: stop drinking, lush."

I am NOT a registered dietician or a doctor, this is ONLY my opinion...

 I think that obesity is the effect of a disease.What is that disease that causes obesity?
Addiction.
That powerful "A" word, that is the most versatile in our dictionary.

Have you ever watched "My Strange Addiction" on TLC? Some examples of addictions they feature are: pizza, animal blood, sniffing doll heads, drinking gasoline, etc...
I think that certain people are born with some sort of "addiction gene," and their substance abuse depends on their emotions and the connection between them.

 It has taken me a very long time to TRULY understand that I am addicted to food. Addiction runs rampant in my family. Mainly alcoholism, but that "addiction gene" is definitely there (whatever that means). I remember being told as a teenager that I would need to be careful with alcohol because there are so many alcoholics on both sides. Never once did anyone think to say: be careful with ANYTHING you do a lot of, because addiction runs in the family. Who would have thought that I would get addicted to food?

Well, I am here to tell you that food addiction is a very real and very serious form of addiction. I know it might seem like bullshit to some of you, but look up the research.
Give it a good google.

I think I have always had an addiction to food, but it didn't really get bad until I moved away for college. I remember turning to food as a kid to deal with my emotions. I would come home from elementary school and eat popcorn, or a PBJ, even though I knew that I would be having dinner with my family soon. I know that a lot of kids eat snacks when they get home from school. But I was eating out of emotion, not hunger. There's a difference. One particular memory sticks out really vividly: It was breakfast circa third grade- I'm at the table with my stepdad and I have a bowl of cereal in front of me. Spoon in one hand, chocolate power bar in the other. My mother walks in and freaks out. She knew there was something wrong  (she is a therapist after all). She somehow knew that in that particular moment, that that chocolate power bar was not in my hand because I was SO hungry that I needed TWO breakfasts; it was omething more. I remember her keeping a close eye on me after that, but I always managed to sneak food in somehow. Elementary school was a pretty rough period of my life. My Grandmother died and I didn't take it very well. I somehow developed tourette syndrome as an effect of all the stress of her death and I still have the occasional tic in my face when I get stressed (or drink too much coffee).

In high school I definitely started turning to food more often as a solution to my emotions. High School was also rough- teenagers are little douchebags. That after school "snack" I would eat after elementary school turned into me running to Sonic for cheese sticks and a strawberry slushy or Taco Bell for Chalupas on my way home. Patterns.

College was when shit really hit the fan. A few blogs ago I wrote abut a certain moment involving potato skins. I was a server at a restaurant (highly stressful like elementary and high school, and also full of little douchebags). I came home one day with a to-go box of cheesy and bacon-y potato skins. Ate the whole box, and continued to binge after work from then on out. My love for pizza? Bingo: the emotional attachment started freshman year. There was a Papa Johns right next door to my dorm. Stressful day at school- delivery! Fight with my mom? Spinach Alfredo original crust coming right up! Patterns.

On into my professional career- shitty day at work? Pizza delivered seconds after I got home for the day. Patterns.

Eventually those binge patterns led into horrible regular eating habits in addition to the emotional feasts.

I am not going to delve too deeply into the theories that certain food companies put ingredients in their products that make them addictive. I think that they do, but since I am not a professional with the FDA, I cannot give you specifics. I can, however, tell you that there is a difference in my cravings among different foods. For example: If you were to eat a bowl of steamed broccoli, you probably would not feel the need to go back for seconds, thirds, or to finish the whole lot. But if that were a bowl of potato chips, you might feel the urge to eat the whole bag. Is it because potato chips are soooo much tastier than broccoli? I don't think so. Had you asked me 6 months ago, I probably would have said: hell yes! I have cut so much junk food out of my diet that I have lost my taste for all that processed crap. I genuinely don't enjoy the taste of it anymore.

There are certain foods that make me want to keep eating them and leafy green veggies just aren't one of them. I enjoy them, but who's ever heard of someone gorging on a spinach binge? Besides Popeye of course. Certain types of food are addictive. Plain and simple. Sugar is one of them. This past week was Halloween and there has been SO much candy at work. I ate one of those snack size peanut butter Snickers the other day (you know the one- in the gold wrapper- yeah, they're the jam). After I ate it, all I wanted was to eat 8,000 more.

But the foods themselves aren't the problem. Yes, I think they contribute to addiction, but they cannot be at total fault.

Once a binge hits me, it doesn't matter if I like the taste of something or not- I am going to eat it. I hit a really serious low once and I turned a bottle of chocolate syrup upside down and squirted it in my mouth. I literally drank chocolate syrup. WTF. How about this one- I was really broke and couldn't afford to partake in the routine greasy Chinese food or pizza binge, so I rummaged through my pantry and drank heated up chicken stock until the sodium filled me up. Double WT? WTF.

I finally worked up the courage to go to Overeaters Anonymous on Sunday. I have been meaning to go for months, after my trainer suggested it to me. I don't know why it took me so long to go, but I did it. I went. And it was every bit as cheesy as I thought it was going to be. Every time you want to speak you have to say: "Hi. My name is blah blah, and I'm a compulsive eater." Then the whole group has to say: "Hi, blah blah." Then, after you're done talking you have to say: "thanks." At first I was scared.
You go in these sketchy ass double wide doors in the middle of the hood:

Then you go up some sketchy ass stairs:

Then, an even sketchier hallway:

I was totally imaging a gross warehouse with fold out chairs, but there were actually some nice little couches around a coffee table.

Once I got past the whole "My name is blah and I'm a blah,"  I really opened up and I kicked myself for waiting so long to go to a meeting. Every person there related to me. It confirmed that food addiction is real, and that for us, our substance of choice is food. Just like an alcoholic. Which is why the OA program is based on the same 12 steps that are used in Alcoholics Anonymous. We simply replace the words "alcohol" with food and "alcoholic" with "compulsive eater." The numbness that the filling effect of the sodium in chicken stock gave me? Another dude in the group shared a similar story. He would stuff himself with periodic fast food trips while he was on a long drive for work until he reached the point where he felt physically sick. He needed to feel that numbness.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF OA:

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I have a really long way to go in this journey still, but now that I have TRULY accepted the fact that I am an addict, or a "Fattict," as I like to call it- I am finding it easier to control the binges. For so long I've been resisting the cravings, but for all the wrong reasons. Now that I know where they originate from, it is so easy for me to stop them. Before it was just: No, Lori. You don't need it. You're a fatty, remember? And you already ate dinner. Now I can tell myself: No, Lori. That hunger is not true hunger. It's emotional hunger, and you are NOT powerless over food. You create your own destiny. 

For those of you out there who think you might feel the same way at all,  even the tiniest little bit- listen to me and TRUST me. I know how scary it is to look into the future. I don't WANT to give up pizza and chocolate, and chicken fingers and fries. It is SCARY to think about what would happen to me if I denied myself the right to the foods that I am so attached to. PLEASE give in to the notion that YOU WILL BE OK. I have jumped over the threshold. TRUST me. It is better on this side. Once you accept the fact that you have an eating disorder (really, really accept it), the path ahead of you clears up. All those overgrown feelings and emotions in your way will lift right up into the sky. Think deeply about your food habits. Don't let food control you.

Fear is the main thing that you have to let go of. On the other side of fear is another wonderful F word: Freedom. Fear establishes limits. Do you want to live in a box? Confined to fear closing you in? Let go. You want this MORE than you are afraid of it. If you are afraid of heights, you will stay low. I think that is why I stay broke all the time--- I am afraid of what will happen if I have a lot of money. Will I spend it all on food? I think I am afraid of what will happen if my bank account gets fat; therefore, I spend money compulsively so that I don't have to face that fear. If there's no money there for me to spend on binges, I literally can't do it. 

This is an extremely deep post, and it's about to get even deeper. I hope you'll stay with me here. 

Another courageous thing I have taken on is opening up to my mother about my admittance to food addiction. This is like... worthy of a prize. I don't know why, but I always shy away from having these kind of conversations with her. I think it's because: a) she has a Ph.D. in marriage and family therapy and I don't want some long-ass psychological answer and b) Fear. Who knows you better than your own mother? NO ONE. Which meeeeeaaannnsssss--- I will get the honest answer that I don't want to hear. 

Next up: My father. Any daddy's girls out there? Despite the fact that my parents divorced when I was infant, I have always felt the need to impress my Daddy. I talked to him today and dished it all. I admitted everything today. He said he was a little shocked, and a little not-shocked. He pointed out that whenever we go out to eat, or he looks at the food in my house, I'm either eating salads, or something else of the healthy variety. He felt that I did a pretty good job hiding it from him. He honestly didn't think that I was an official "compulsive overeater," but just that I overeat, And yes, there is a difference. Not all overweight people are compulsive overeaters, but most compulsive overeaters are overweight. I asked him about his experience with addiction and it turns out that his addictive habits are the EXACT same as mine, and it all comes back to emotions. We had an awesome convo, and I learned a lot about my family's history when it comes to addiction. 

Back to my mom. Out of NOWHERE I have been craving cigarettes. I have NEVER been addicted to cigarettes, and I never plan to be. But since she is a Doctor and all, I asked her to shed some light on her experience with addiction patients and if she has ever seen someone turn to one bad habit while trying to kick another one. Here are her words:

"For many people who struggle with freeing themselves from an addiction (i.e., alcohol), they take on another addiction like drinking large amounts of coffee and/or an increase in cigarette smoking.  Those who struggle with eating disorders may become addicted to exercise to a very dangerous degree.  Fortunately for some, these new obsessive habits dwindle over time throughout the recovery process and are replaced with healthful behaviors such as moderate caffeine, nicotine abstinence, moderate exercise, increased water, and low carbohydrate diets.   For others, however, the new habit becomes a full-fledged addiction and is another form of self destruction.

These newly formed habits take on a life of obsession like the old habit the addict is attempting to become free of.  Some professionals would argue that these behaviors support the notion that an 'addiction personality' truly exists.  Why do people harm themselves in these ways?  Self destructive behaviors and addicted personalities can be highly correlated with a low sense of self worth... Having a strong sense of self is crucial to maintaining good mental, physical, and social health." -Dr. Brenda Dozier

Wow. Does any of that just make a light go off above your head like it does for me? 

The whole point of this long-ass post is that addiction is real. It doesn't matter what substance you abuse, but there is a connection between certain things and their correlated emotions. Once you form habits attached to emotions, it will stick in many cases. And it's hard as hell to break. 

I am working on it, and so can you. 

Hi, my name is Lori and I am a fattict. 

Thanks.