Fat Thoughts

I don't think skinny people understand how many everyday things big people have to take in to account. 

Only my fellow overweight folks will understand the fear brought on by one of these:

Or these:

Yesterday afternoon I caught a matinee with some of my girlfriends (Fast and Furious 6 btw. It was awesome :). They were already seated in the theater when I got there. As one of them motioned over for me to sit next to her, I had a mild panic attack. Since it was a theater, it obviously had theater seating...the worst.  I felt a wave of panic come on as I quickly had to find a discreet strategy for not knocking her drink and popcorn over with my butt and or fupa as I wiggled into the seat. To my surprise: 2 seconds later I was comfortably seated and her drink and popcorn were spared. The seat was big enough and I actually wasn't hanging over into her personal space. A few pounds down works wonders, especially in a crisis like this! It is absolutely ridiculous that these thoughts constantly swim in and out of my brain. I am PARANOID that I'm going to break a barstool, or that one of those stupid plastic patio chairs will stay attached to my overflowing bottom sections when I get up.

 Sometimes getting dressed is a better workout than actually working out. Have you ever tried to put on pantyhose at 300 pounds? I swear I look like Moist from Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog by the time my fat rolls are secure into a pair of tights.

Which by the way, I just realized that he plays Howard Wolowitz on The Big Bang Theory (The More You Know).

 A group of friends and I rented a pontoon this weekend for a day on the lake. It was so much fun but there were those lingering "fat girl" thoughts going in and out of my head all day. There was a slide on the back of the boat that everybody enjoyed but me. My best friend swore I could slide just fine, but I refused to face the embarrassment of either breaking it or getting stuck halfway down. Folks were doing flips off the top of the boat, a trick I would have OWNED had I not let my rocking gymnast body go to waste. I, of course, had to wear one of those granny swimdresses while literally EVERY other girl in our party rocked a bikini. I tried so hard to just have fun and not let these things bother me but the monkey chatter was going 90 to nothing in my head.

I know that I should focus on all the positives but it's really hard. Coming up this July 4th my friends and I are taking our annual rafting trip. We go tubing and I curse myself for not being any smaller that I was the year before. Tubing and rafting while you're overweight is so uncomfortable. Especially the tubing part! There is no comfortable way to sit in that inflatable hole of hell unless you are thin. My butt's too big to plop in the middle of it, my legs and my gut are too big to sit indian style in the middle of it. The water is too shallow to just hang on with your arms...

These are the things that I end up focusing all my attention on instead of just enjoying the moments I am lucky enough to be a part of. I never really realized this until my fears have been proving to be wrong lately. Like being comfortable in the theater, or seeing a picture of me in that granny swimdress I was so self conscious of.. I didn't look so bad, did I?

I am so tired of being consumed with fat thoughts. I feel like I have to take my weight into account in EVERYTHING I do. What I wear: will I totally gross the general public out? Where we sit a restaurant: will I fit in the chair? Activities with friends: am I in good enough shape? When I hang out with friends: will I get enough to eat or will I have to be the fat kid to break the silence that it's time to grub?

A few weekends ago a group of us went to the Renaissance Festival. Which was totally dorky and amazing! There was a ride that looked like the best time ever. They wanted to get on it but I saw that there was a 250 pound weight limit. I was flooded with horrible memories of that time at Six Flags a few summers ago when I was too big for some of my favorite roller coasters. I immediately played it off, but one of the people in the group made a smart comment. I pretended not to hear. Obviously it bothered me, but what was I going to do? I'm the one who made it awkward in the first place for being too fat to ride the damn thing. I told them to feel free to get on it, but no one wanted to leave me in the crowd. I really wouldn't have minded them riding it! But once you get so deep into that conversation of  "no really, go ahead, I'm fine, etc..." it's better to just move on.

Shoes. I literally have to think about my weight when I shoe shop. As a 20-something year old girl, this is the ultimate disappointment. I should be rocking every new style that comes along. But there's no way in hell I would be able to stroll along in this for long. Not that I necessarily would, but I'm just saying...

Luckily, kitten heels are making a comeback this Spring :)

I could keep going with my fat thoughts, but I won't continue to depress you.  Let me tell you about some good things now. A good friend of mine pointed out a picture of me from this time last year, noting the difference in my face. He then told me how much weight he can tell that I've lost and how proud of me he is. This meant so much to me: A) because he's a guy, and guys just usually don't get all mushy b) because he told me right at a time when I have been really down lately. Here's that picture he was talking about (btw, this is him in the one directly below :):

And here's a picture of me from a couple weekends ago:

Apparently I had a better tan this time last year lol.

As hard as it is to focus on the positives, I have to. I cannot afford to let that negative fat chatty Kathy in my head get the best of me. I moped all day yesterday because I was feeling so down and fat. My condo looked like it could be on an episode of Hoarders. I woke up this morning refusing to fall back into old habits. I have come too far to let something like a damn intertube make me feel inferior to skinny minnie friends. They love me for who I am- why can't I?

Ginger + Buttermilk Creamed Kale Omlette...

...and a 110 calorie bagel thin with homemade strawberry fat free cream cheese.

Doesn't leave much left for me to explain, does it?

First off, I am currently obsessed with bagel thins. 110 calories for a WHOLE bagel? Yes, please. And thank God for fat free cream cheese!



I threw that fat free goodness in a processor with fresh strawberries. So good!



P.S. the leftover strawberry cream cheese is awesome with apple slices.




Now to that ridiculously long omlette description. Monday night I made Ginger + Buttermilk Creamed Kale and Chicken. It was so good. I threw the leftover kale in a skillet with some eggs and it was just as tasty.



Creaming the kale was easy. I boiled about a pound of dinosaur kale, stems removed, until it wilted (10 minutes), drained, cooled, then coarsely chopped it. Sauteed about a cup of white onions, chopped, with butter until soft. Then I simmered with a cup of fat free sour cream, cup of water, teaspoon of corriander, tablespoon of fresh grated ginger on medium for about 6 minutes. Added a cup of fat free buttermilk, cooked on medium for a few minutes, added salt and pepper, then finally the kale. Cooked cream and kale together on low for about 3 minutes. Done! And so good.

I'm Too Sexy for my Goggles

An interesting observation I make every time I hit the pool for a swimming workout: fellow swimmers refuse to jump in a lane already occupied by a fatty. Everyone walking into the pool skips the fattys' lanes! I mean, are they afraid fat cells are going to swim up their butts? And it's a swimming lane, swam at staggering intervals with a lane buddy, so it's not like room is a concern! And they DO know the lanes share the same water, right? Human nature. So silly sometimes. Since I refuse to classify myself as a fatty, I credit my luminous awesomeness in a swim cap and goggles. They can't handle it. Yes, even with upside down goggles!

Bombshell in Progress

The way I look when I workout bothers the hell out of me. I am constantly pulling my shirt down, adjusting my sports bra to try and hide my back fat, pulling my pants up in case my shirt comes up, pulling my sleeves down, adjusting my hair, pulling my undershirt tank top up over the gross fat between my boobs and my armpits... it's so annoying!!! My crossfit gym posts our workouts on the website the night before. Most people just like being prepared when they walk in... I have to look at it so I can plan my outfit. I wish I could say it was for fashion purposes. For example: if we are going to be doing a lot of burpees I FREAK THE HELL OUT! Not because burpees suck, or because they hurt like hell, or because I can barely breathe after doing them---- but because there is nothing I can wear that will keep my wobbly bits from showing their fat ugly faces. I know that I shouldn't care, but I do. I HATE that I can't wear all the cute little shorts and tank tops that all the other girls wear. Again... I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I was Pinteresting the internet the other day and I found the cutest tank top that says "bombshell in progress." I was like OMG! I should TOTALLY get that! It's so cute! 

Yeah... it was basically made for Baby Gap.

 

Oh yeah, I really liked this one, too:

I have gotten to the point where people can take pictures of me and I am not totally disgusted. I'm definitely not happy about the way I look, but I don't feel the need to immediately delete them and threaten the lives of their creators. 

For so long when I'm roped  into a group picture, it's like Where's Waldo when it comes to finding me I swear. I hide behind everything and everyone I can. Let's play a game. Can you find me in these?

This is my favorite one lol. Trust me I'm there!

 It's so hard to tell people "no!" to  pictures. You just look like an asshole. Then everyone starts being all like: "shut up! you look so cute! just get in the picture! when you're old, you'll thank me! blah blah blah."

Like this one below. I didn't know these girls yesterday. I sat down to be sociable, meet some new friends, have a fresh conversation, then BAM! My coach comes around with his camera. I'm not going to be the weirdo that shies away from pictures in front of my new friends. This is about the worst picture ever. It has all the bad components: food, sitting down, beer, bad angle, post-workout sweat, gross cleavage.

Yesterday (Memorial Day), my gym had an event called "WOD for Warriors." This was an awesome workout done at crossfit gyms across the country, raising money for Team Red, White, and Blue. Team RWB helps veterans basically get back into the swing of things when they return home from deployment. It was an amazing way to spend Memorial Day! I left the beach early to compete and I was so stoked! I had a cute little patriotic bow for my hair and I had on a bright red shirt. I was ready to feel good about the way I looked, the cause I was working out for, and ready to rock the workout! Well, the shirt I had on kept coming up, my tank top kept riding up and I didn't finish the workout. There was a 20 minute cap and we worked out with a partner. I slowed us down so much because I just couldn't get the burpees done quick enough. 10 more seconds and we would have finished! I was so mad. But then I started thinking about how awesome it was that so many people came to the gym to workout on their holiday and the money we raised. I quickly got over my hard feelings. 

Then... the pictures and videos came. 

Yep, that's me right there front and center in the red. Thunder Back fats a go!

 

  Since I work in news, I had the advantage of getting us some event coverage. My editor thought it would be cool to have some shots of me in it when the story aired. I sat down to watch the news last night and I was HORRIFIED at the shots of me working out. Not just because my wobbly bits were jiggling but because the close up of me showed me adjusting and pulling at my shirt.

 

 It was really depressing to realize how much I let my looks affect my workout. If I'm not comfortable in how I look, I just can't concentrate on the workout. Seeing this video really put things in perspective for me. I am not working out to impress people or to win a fashion show. If my lady lumps offend someone they can eat it. A few weeks ago I wore a dress a little shorter than I probably should have and my spanx kept showing every time I barely bent over. I was getting sooo annoyed at everyone who kept telling me they were showing and that I needed to pull my dress down. I didn't give a rat's ass about my spanx showing and they needed to shut up about it. Why can't I have this attitude when I workout? I think it's because I care so much about crossfit now and I want to do it 100%. I want to look like the badass I feel that I am inside. I know that eventually I will be able to wear the cute outfits, but for now it's just hard to see how gross I look while I'm getting to that point. Or, while there's a "bombshell in progress." From now on I'm going to just focus on killing the workouts, not on how I look doing it.

Honeyed Heirloom Carrot Summer Salad

Heirloom carrots. What a perfect food. 

 Throw them in a salad and you have the perfect side dish to take to your Memorial Day cookout this weekend! This salad just tastes so EARTHY. You know what I mean? Like, you just feel like the earth is exploding in your mouth.

The What:

•Several leaves of Kale, washed well, chopped (6 or 7, I like Red Russian)

•Same amount of Romaine Leaves, washed, chopped

•2 cups of strawberries, sliced

•1 cucumber, diced

•1 tablespoon honey

•2 tablespoons olive oil

•Salt and Pepper

•6-7 Heirloom Carrots, peeled and sliced to bite sized pieces

•Balsamic Vinegar

•Parchment Paper

•1 Cup Bleu Cheese

The How:

 • Pre Heat oven to 400

•Peel and Slice Carrots to bite size pieces

•Whisk together honey and olive oil. You'll need to put some elbow grease behind it. Make sure the substances are well mixed. 

•Fold Parchment Paper to cook En Papillote

•Put carrots in the parchment bag, drizzle honey mixture over them and sprinkle salt and pepper generously. Shake bag to ensure good coverage of seasoning and honey mixture

•Bake for about 20 minutes. 

•While baking, you can mix together  kale and romaine, strawberries, bleu cheese, and cucumber.

•When carrots are done, throw them with excess juice in salad and toss thoroughly. Dress with balsamic vinegar to taste. 

Kale Chips

I am really slow to jump on the kale chip bandwagon. Frankly, I just think they look gross. How can baked lettuce be good, right? I'm so glad I decided to give it a go. So easy and surprisingly good. Let me give you fair warning: don't burn them. I learned that kale chips are kind of like cooking bacon. You have to take them out of the heat before you think they're done. I always burn the bacon. I forget that it keeps cooking for a little bit after you take it out of the pan. This is probably why I'm still single: I suck at cooking bacon. I burned a few pieces of kale because I just didn't think it was done yet. So gross. Don't burn them.

The What:

•5-6 Large Kale Leaves, torn from the stems. I used Blue Scottish Kale, but I think many variations will work just fine. 

•2 Tablespoons Olive Oil

•Salt

The How:

 

•Preheat oven to 350

•Wash Kale thoroughly. This is especially important if you don't use organic. Non-organic can leave a pesticide residue on the surface when cooking. 

•Dry well. If you have a fancy salad spinner, use one of those. I had to go old school and let paper towels absorb all the water. 

•Toss in olive oil and salt. I do not suggest using a lot of oil or seasoning. You want to do everything you can to prevent them from burning.

•Line cookie sheets with parchment paper, lay leaves flat and spread apart. 

•Bake for about 15 minutes. Now, I know you're probably thinking that the end product doesn't look any different from the raw leaves. Trust me. They're good. 

With Success, Comes Flailure

Everyone always says that you have to fail to be successful. In that case I should be the most successful person in the world! I have failed at losing weight so many times, success HAS to be near. I was talking to a friend yesterday about how I seem to be re-entering the usual failure slump and how hard it is to get back in the game. What she said was very interesting. She pointed out that people WANT to hear about struggles and failure. Failure is what makes us human. The truth is that I haven't actually failed yet. I'm not finished yet, so how can I be a failure? These slumps are all a part of meeting of my goals. I HAVE to start learning from my mistakes so I can get to the finish line. The fact that I keep getting back up and pressing onward means that I will finish. That friend told me that seeing someone face the same struggles you are is not only refreshing, it is comforting. Since these slips and lapses are not technically failures, I'm going to name them "flailiures." Which is not a word and is really hard to pronounce (try it). To "flail" basically means you are thrashing, lashing, or striking about violently or erratically. I think my binges are kind of like just flailing about. They are violent and erratic and just look pretty crazy. Kind of like this:

 Well, readers- let me tell you how I've been flailing lately. 

Do you know what this picture  is? Taco Bell. I woke up to this this morning only to be reminded of my flailure last night. To celebrate the end of May Sweeps at work, several of us went out for drinks. Alcohol is the root of all my evil. I drink too much, eat crappy food and spend too much money. After too many bushwhackers and beers I stopped at Taco Bell on my way home. I was not hungry. I didn't want it. I just ate it because I...  I don't know why. I ate so well yesterday and I was feeling so great about my day! Until I started drinking.  It was just crazy. I flailed about. I have been self-loathing and beating myself up all day. To make up for yesterday's flailures, I have been super good today, eating more kale than any one person should probably ever consume in a day!

 I got really depressed at the doctor Tuesday because her scale is totally different from my scale at home. MY scale says I weigh 290. HER scale says I weigh 306. WTF?? So you can imagine how bad that hurt me. How in the hell can there be that big of a difference? I have been slacking on my IronTribe workouts and I've been eating HORRIBLY since I got back from the beach. I haven't been counting my calories and I have just felt like poo. My crossfit coach basically told me that I need to get over it and just do it. She is totally right. I have nothing stopping me and no one can do it but me.

Another thing that has been getting me down is that I want to go back to Hilton Head Health so bad! But I have no more vacation time this year and I don't meet FMLA criteria to take a personal or medical leave. Which is total B.S., btw. But I won't go there. My doctor and my coach both really put things in perspective for me this week. I CAN do this on my own and I will. It's not easy and I will go crazy from time to time. As long as I can come off that crazy train and move forward I will get to where I'm going.