50 Shades of Food

Why does everything seem to revolve around food? When you go to a party where does everyone gather? The kitchen. What's in a kitchen? Food. When you want to catch up with an old friend what do you do? You go somewhere to get food. You go on a first date... you get food. Everything revolves around food. I was in a corporate meeting the other day learning about a new technology at work. One of the examples was how to send out an office form when you need information from your co-workers. The example he gave? Potluck lunch and what everyone is bringing...food. In a meeting today we discussed ATMs dispensing change. How will this be more convenient for everyone, according to the folks in my meeting? Well, obviously: if someone is going to pick up food for you, you can just give them a 10 instead of a 20. It's all about the food. Why is food so important to us? Why is it so comforting? Why is it so harmful? I think that really good memories are associated with food. A nice dinner to honor an anniversary, a team dinner to celebrate a big win, Thanksgiving dinner with family you rarely see... So, if all of these good things are associated with food, where does all the negativity come from? Are we just trying so hard to remind ourselves of all those happy moments? Why can't we just be patient and wait for the next big moment to celebrate? For me, food is not just a means of surviving. I love it. I love to experiment with new recipes, I love to try new items at my favorite restaurants, and I love to eat- plain and simple. I enjoy the whole drama of eating, whether it's something I cooked or something someone else cooked for me. A good friend and I had a conversation about eating. I admitted to him that sometimes I just have no control. If I want pizza I will eat pizza; it doesn't matter that I'm overweight and that I know I can't cave in and eat that stuff. If I want Taco bell I will get Taco Bell. Once the craving hits it is almost impossible for me to tell myself no. He said that he just didn't understand that at all. He says he cannot imagine just eating for no reason and not being able to control it. Well, honestly, I don't understand it either. I also don't understand why so many people turn to crack and meth to solve their problems. Or why people drink themselves into oblivion, and then get in cars and kill people. Why do we do things to ourselves that we know are harmful? Are we all sadists and masochists? It's like some creepy part of my brain enjoys me hurting myself and then beating myself up for it later. At what point do you get tired of hurting and learn to love the feeling of saying no to yourself? When something good happens to me I feel happy. When I lose 5 pounds I feel happy. Can I steal parts of those happy moments and store them away to use them when I want to hurt myself with food? It's a constant battle. Especially when the whole world seems to be made of food. I mean- even the damn moon looks like cheese:

Eat Piggy Piggy...

I mean, I'm really getting it. I am really understanding how to not eat like a full grown pig ready for slaughter. A close friend of mine says that we focus way too much on scheduled eating. She claims our bodies are smarter than we give them credit for. Eat when hungry (I've written about this before). It seems like a novel concept, but it can be so hard to just eat when you're hungry. Why? Because we have been told all our lives to never skip breakfast... eat a few small meals throughout the day, then maybe consume a healthy snack. Here's what I've eaten today: a NutriSystem breakfast bar, a cup of coffee, a frozen bag of single serving frozen veggies, and a nutrisystem cup of soup. I am not ravishingly hungry. At 10:30pm. Granted, I've been a little under the weather, so this probably has something to with my smaller appetite- but just because I'm supposed to consume twice the amount of calories than I have today doesn't mean that I'm going to eat just because.

A Charming Post About a Toilet

I'll spare you the picture. ((You're welcome)) So... this happened to me once before in an old apartment of mine but I wrote it off as cheap hardware. The other day I was doing the porcelain duty and I heard something snap. Or pop, or break-- some sort of bad sound. Then I felt a pinch in my left hamstring. I finished the necessary business and realized that a small part of the toilet seat had cracked. I had a flashback to an old toilet of mine in Birmingham and it hit me: I am literally so fat that I break toilet seats. I mean, come on!!! The crack was in the same place as my old toilet. What the hell has my world come to that I let myself get so big that I have become a serial toilet breaker? Sometimes I really think that things like this happen as a serious reminder (because I will definitely have to look at this everyday). Sure, I'll replace it eventually- but if you know me, then you know that I am no handyman and I would probably end up accidentally replacing the shower head instead of the toilet seat-- not knowing the difference in the tools and hardware!

2012

A generic blog entry would start off with something like this: Whew! I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by! It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in 2012! Well, generically speaking, this is exactly how I feel. I am not where I imagined myself being at the start of 2013. I thought I would for sure be halfway to my ideal weight and a lot happier. The past two months have been hard. I knew this day was coming- the day where I had to face the fact that I failed myself again in reaching my goals. I have been really mopey about this. Then I reared back and slapped the shit out of myself. Let's take a look at what all I HAVE accomplished this year. 1) I completed TWO triathlons! Numero Uno:

And Deuce:

2) I've lost 20 pounds. Ok, not the 50 I wanted to lose in 2012, but Still!!

3) I learned portion control. This is my most notable achievement. Why not the triathlons? Because I am an athlete. I can workout like a mo'fo' and can probably kick your ass (seriously, test me). Eating is my number one problem. I love food. I eat when I'm bored. Hungry. Tired. Sad. Mad. Depressed. Happy. And on and on... I have been doing Nutrisystem the past few months and I love it. At first I looked at the teensy portions and thought they were a joke. But in hindsight I look back at my old portions and I get a little nauseated. I honestly used to believe that I HAD to eat every two hours to avoid headaches. I used to look around at my co-workers in awe that they were satisfied with only their dinner they brought with them. Now I might have one snack at work and I am completely satisfied with a sensibly portioned dinner. I am still hungry by the time I get home (which is generally 4 hours after dinner), but I have learned what is and what isn't acceptable to snack on when I get home. 4)When I get the urge to binge my mind is able to overpower the emotion. I have said no more times than I've said yes. 5) Iron Tribe. I graduated Iron Tribe 101 and now I am a member of the tribe! I get up at 5:30am 3 days a week and drive to Brentwood for a 6:30am workout. If you're wondering what Iron Tribe is, then you clearly have not been around me the past month. Because I'm OBSESSED and it's ALL I talk about! I have finally found the workout that sticks. It is crossfit, but so much better. The scores for each tribe (franchise) are posted online daily and you can see how you measure up against other tribe members at other locations. There are days I leave the workout in heaving sobs because I hate having to modify the exercises and I am so ready to be in shape it frustrates me to no end. But then most days I am so proud of myself I leave beaming like a moron. The workouts are geared to where it doesn't get easier. Ever. The Wods ("workout of the day") are the same for each franchise and vary daily. They design them so that each muscle group gets a killer workout each time. Here's me with my Tribe on the day of our graduation:

6) I don't think I've smoked a single cigarette all year. I'm pretty sure I've taken a few puffs under the influence, but not for real smoked :) Not that I was ever a real smoker- I just pretended to be when I drank. 7)Sodas- I was never a huge soda drinker to begin with, but I next to never have any now. I constantly have a bottle of water in my hand and I get a little pissy when I forget to bring water with me to work. 8)I have come to terms. Meaning: I am able to look myself in the mirror and see how unhealthy I am. No more rose colored glasses. 9) I realized that I can't compete with skinny. I have never been skinny and I never will be. Even as a college cheerleader and in the best shape of my life I was far from skinny. A guy I really like is in love with one of my very skinny friends and it breaks my heart. When I noticed his feelings I felt my world explode around me into tiny little pieces of razor sharp glass. I told myself that he is in love with her because she's skinny. Skinny. And I'm fat. I can't compete with skinny. Never ever will I be able to compete with skinny. And you know what? This is true. 100%. Some guys just like skinny girls and they will always choose skinny girls. They are not the guy for me. Just like I prefer athletes-- skinny guys are not for me. I am OK with this. New paragraph: Despite the fact that I did not reach my weight loss goals in 2012, I am pleased with the changes I did make. It took me a year to learn some of the little things that healthy people don't think twice about in their daily routine. I am looking forward to 2013 being MY year.I don't really do the whole resolution thing, but if I did- my resolution would be to 180 everything. I'm going to completely change the way I do all things I'm unhappy about. This goes for EVERYTHING. The only way to change the way things are going is to change. Simple as that. For far too long I have been chained to habit. When I crave something bad for me, I am going to think of what would be the total opposite and indulge in that.

Heavy

I love college football (War Damn Eagle) but I have found a new cringe. Watching football on tv and hearing the announcers talk about how big a player is at 220, 250, 260, etc... makes me sick at my stomach. Yes, obviously, 260 pounds is big whether you're a football player or not- but the fact that I weigh more than these "big football players" just makes me cringe. Take Phillip Lutzenkirchen for example. He weighs 255:

He is a BIG boy and I weigh a lot more than him. I'm not saying I think I look like a football player with all their muscles, but all this added body clutter and these wobbly bits make me weigh more than them and I hate it.

It's Just a Pull Up

So why can't I do just one!? One teensy little pull-up?? I knew the day would come soon... the day where my IronTribe coach would write "pull-up" on the WOD (workout of the day) board. Today was "AMRAP," which stands for "as many rounds as possible" of pull-ups, pushups and overhead squats. I had to use the thickest band in America to put my foot in to help do the pull-ups. Since I was going for AMRAP, I ended up skipping the band because I had to get help putting my foot in it because the band is so short (the shorter the band, the more help it gives you). I had to do these sissy jump to the bar things from a box that were super embarrassing and my wobbly bits were jiggling all over the place. It was 5 pull-ups, 10 push-ups and 15 overhead squats, as many rounds as possible in 10 minutes. I did 6 2/3 reps in 10 minutes. I was really beating myself up because I can't do a pull up and I was having to use my knees for the push ups. I wasn't tired and my muscles weren't hurting, it's just that I weigh so damn much that my body limits me! It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world. When it came time to report to Coach how many rounds we did I was dreading saying it aloud and then watching him write it on the board. Because, see- it's written up there for all to see:

But then... I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I was right there in the middle. There were people who did 5 rounds and there were people who did 8 and 9. The other girls were using their knees for the push-ups, too and there was one other person in the class who had to do the sissy box jump pull-up thing as well. This made me feel so much better and I instantly quit punching myself in the face (metaphorically of course). But this is why I am so addicted to Iron Tribe. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Yes, there are super in shape guys in the class who can do all the exercises no problem, but for the most part we all have at least one thing we're really good at, while others struggle with it. I love the team feeling and I really hope that I can continue with it until I reach all my goals. Right now I just want to be able to do ONE pull up. Just ONE! I have NEVER been able to do one. Even when I was a college cheerleader and in crazy good shape I couldn't do one. I worry about the class after Iron Tribe 101 and if I'll be able to do it. They might make me re-do 101! Oh my, what if I fail?? These are the dumb things I worry about. I push myself and I WANT to be the best and not being able to the things that everyone else in the class can do infuriates me. I become obsessed and it's all I can think about. Lacey and I walked tonight on our "dinner break" and it felt so good. We decided that we have to get back into that habit. Just those 20-30 minutes of getting up and moving around makes all the difference in the world. I HATE sitting at a desk alllllll day. Ok, so next on the writing agenda: food and weight. I had a bad weekend. I'm super broke right now so I couldn't really go out and do a lot of stuff so I basically had to just sit around and do nothing. I WANTED to be productive, but my biceps were so freakin sore from the Iron Tribe workout from Friday, I literally could not straighten my arms saturday or sunday. I had to force myself to do laundry last night and it hurt just to pick up the basket! I kind of ate like shit all weekend, too. I didn't binge on fast food or pizza or anything, I just ate a lot of junk food at my house. For example: I had blue corn chips and salsa and I ate the whole big ol bag in two days. Plus sun chips plus ice cream plus pita chips and hummus, all instead of snacking on carrots or fruits. I woke up this morning wondering how I was going to survive IronTribe with my biceps all a fire but I made it through. I didn't get much sleep last night and it REALLY makes a difference in how I perform. I was also pretty dehydrated from the weekend (too much wine saturday night). When I got back from my workout this morning I was so disgusted with how I ate this weekend I decided to "help my house help me" as this week goes on. I went straight to my fridge and organized all my nutrisystem food in a way that will be easy and encouraging to stick to it:

I reorganized my stones in my pounds lost jars- adding 3 big ones with big milestones: "250," "200," and "150." I cannot wait to get to put the first big milestone stone in the jar:

As far as food goes, I'm still really enjoying Nutrisystem. It has helped me with portion sizes so much. For example, today I've eaten: banana nut muffin for breakfast, chicken salad on leafy romaine with bleu cheese dressing, chicken alfredo pasta with broccoli and carrots and I will eat some kind of hundred calorie pack when I get home. Here was dinner:

I had a co worker tell me today that I am starting to look really good and it totally made my day.

Finding What Works

So many people have been begging me to write another blog- I am sorry to have kept you waiting! I don't know what my hesitation is all about, but I have just been seriously disconnected the past couple of months. I haven't fallen off the wagon- that's not what's been happening, don't worry :) I'll jump right into what's been going on with me. I've been doing Nutrisystem for the past couple of months and I love it! I've been wanting to try it for years but just never got around to it. It has really taught me portion control. At first I would look at that tiny little lasagna box and giggle out loud that they actually thought this ridiculous portion was going to fill me up! I really started observing my coworkers and how they eat. I wanted so badly to be one of those people that can just come into work, eat my lunch and be done with food the rest of the day. I finally have gotten to the point where I don't feel the need to constantly snack throughout the day. My appetite has decreased tremendously and I am actually not ravished by the time I get off work! The Nutrisystem food is definitely not meant to be for long term because it is so full of sodium, but I think I have finally trained myself to be satisfied after a normal portion of food. I add veggies to the meal when I'm really hungry and I add my owns fruits as snacks throughout the day. Even though I never really drank regular sodas to begin with, I know that diet sodas have their sins, too. I used to always have a fridge stocked with diet soda, but now it's only water. My face has cleared up somewhat, too- so that's a plus! As far as exercise, I am so excited about what I'm doing now. all year long I have tried so hard to be one of those people who can just go to the gym, or go for a run, or go for a bike ride as part of my daily exercise routine. I'm just not that kind of person. I enjoy running and going to the gym and riding bikes, but not as my everyday, lose weight routine. So... I joined Iron Tribe! Iron Tribe is exactly what I have been searching for but didn't know it. Those of you who know me well know that I was an athlete growing up. I was a cheerleader, gymnast, dancer, tennis player, basketball player all rolled into one. I LOVE team sports and I really miss that. After I stopped cheering in college people always told me that I was going to have to watch my weight because without that team accountability, the pounds would just pile on. And they did! Because I had ALWAYS been a part of a team, I didn't have to exercise on my own... I had a coach and 15 other people making me exercise! Iron Tribe is perfect for me because I am with the same "tribe" 3 days a week. Right now I'm in "Tribe 101, " which is a month-long class, 3 days a week, teaching us the fundamentals of Iron Tribe. It's kind of like Cross Fit, if you're familiar with that. I get up at 5:30 am every Monday Wednesday and Friday and drive to Brentwood for the classes. It is so encouraging to see the same people at every class, with everyone cheering each other on, holding each other accountable... like a team! I am a very competitive person, so I always want to be at the top of the class. The workouts are short and intense- the kind I like! There is some cardio, but not much; it's more like sprinting, which is what I'm used to. I am absolutely obsessed and I plan on staying a member for a long time. At first I was really skeptical about getting up so early after getting off work so late, but I enjoy it so much it is easy for me. After almost 11 months of me trying to get in shape and really turn my life around, I think I have finally found what works for me. I have lost a total of 25 pounds since the beginning of the year! I have lost and gained, and lost and gained since January, but as of November 12, 2012, I am 25 pounds lighter than I was on January 1st. I expected to have lost at least 50 this year, but I'll take 25! The most important thing is that I haven't given up. After a few injuries and some hard blows to my self esteem this year, there were moments where I just absolutely wanted to give up and say screw it all. This year has been such an amazing one and I have learned that I really am the luckiest girl in the world. I have so many people who care about me, most who I don't deserve their love. I have changed so much this year on my journey to be happy and I am so grateful for those who have been a part of my life. I know I can do this, and having supporters there beside me is the most amazing feeling in the world. If I continue eating my normal portions and stick with Iron Tribe, I fully expect to lose 15 more pounds by the end of this year. I will keep you updated! Here is a picture of my tribe doing runner's stretches:

Today's workout was jump roping, front squats and ring dips. We're supposed to be able to do this double under thing, which is the rope going under your feet twice per jump. Yeah, I couldn't do that- but it's something for me to work towards for the next workout! As far as the ring dips go, I tried to look all suave like Vince Vaughan circa Old School:

But I definitely ended up looking more like this:

But that's the thing about Iron Tribe: now matter how good you are at one thing, there's tons more that you can improve on next time!