Monday, June 10, 2013

Fat Thoughts

I don't think skinny people understand how many everyday things big people have to take in to account. 

Only my fellow overweight folks will understand the fear brought on by one of these:

Or these:

Yesterday afternoon I caught a matinee with some of my girlfriends (Fast and Furious 6 btw. It was awesome :). They were already seated in the theater when I got there. As one of them motioned over for me to sit next to her, I had a mild panic attack. Since it was a theater, it obviously had theater seating...the worst.  I felt a wave of panic come on as I quickly had to find a discreet strategy for not knocking her drink and popcorn over with my butt and or fupa as I wiggled into the seat. To my surprise: 2 seconds later I was comfortably seated and her drink and popcorn were spared. The seat was big enough and I actually wasn't hanging over into her personal space. A few pounds down works wonders, especially in a crisis like this! It is absolutely ridiculous that these thoughts constantly swim in and out of my brain. I am PARANOID that I'm going to break a barstool, or that one of those stupid plastic patio chairs will stay attached to my overflowing bottom sections when I get up.

 Sometimes getting dressed is a better workout than actually working out. Have you ever tried to put on pantyhose at 300 pounds? I swear I look like Moist from Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog by the time my fat rolls are secure into a pair of tights.

Which by the way, I just realized that he plays Howard Wolowitz on The Big Bang Theory (The More You Know).

 A group of friends and I rented a pontoon this weekend for a day on the lake. It was so much fun but there were those lingering "fat girl" thoughts going in and out of my head all day. There was a slide on the back of the boat that everybody enjoyed but me. My best friend swore I could slide just fine, but I refused to face the embarrassment of either breaking it or getting stuck halfway down. Folks were doing flips off the top of the boat, a trick I would have OWNED had I not let my rocking gymnast body go to waste. I, of course, had to wear one of those granny swimdresses while literally EVERY other girl in our party rocked a bikini. I tried so hard to just have fun and not let these things bother me but the monkey chatter was going 90 to nothing in my head.

I know that I should focus on all the positives but it's really hard. Coming up this July 4th my friends and I are taking our annual rafting trip. We go tubing and I curse myself for not being any smaller that I was the year before. Tubing and rafting while you're overweight is so uncomfortable. Especially the tubing part! There is no comfortable way to sit in that inflatable hole of hell unless you are thin. My butt's too big to plop in the middle of it, my legs and my gut are too big to sit indian style in the middle of it. The water is too shallow to just hang on with your arms...

These are the things that I end up focusing all my attention on instead of just enjoying the moments I am lucky enough to be a part of. I never really realized this until my fears have been proving to be wrong lately. Like being comfortable in the theater, or seeing a picture of me in that granny swimdress I was so self conscious of.. I didn't look so bad, did I?

I am so tired of being consumed with fat thoughts. I feel like I have to take my weight into account in EVERYTHING I do. What I wear: will I totally gross the general public out? Where we sit a restaurant: will I fit in the chair? Activities with friends: am I in good enough shape? When I hang out with friends: will I get enough to eat or will I have to be the fat kid to break the silence that it's time to grub?

A few weekends ago a group of us went to the Renaissance Festival. Which was totally dorky and amazing! There was a ride that looked like the best time ever. They wanted to get on it but I saw that there was a 250 pound weight limit. I was flooded with horrible memories of that time at Six Flags a few summers ago when I was too big for some of my favorite roller coasters. I immediately played it off, but one of the people in the group made a smart comment. I pretended not to hear. Obviously it bothered me, but what was I going to do? I'm the one who made it awkward in the first place for being too fat to ride the damn thing. I told them to feel free to get on it, but no one wanted to leave me in the crowd. I really wouldn't have minded them riding it! But once you get so deep into that conversation of  "no really, go ahead, I'm fine, etc..." it's better to just move on.

Shoes. I literally have to think about my weight when I shoe shop. As a 20-something year old girl, this is the ultimate disappointment. I should be rocking every new style that comes along. But there's no way in hell I would be able to stroll along in this for long. Not that I necessarily would, but I'm just saying...

Luckily, kitten heels are making a comeback this Spring :)

I could keep going with my fat thoughts, but I won't continue to depress you.  Let me tell you about some good things now. A good friend of mine pointed out a picture of me from this time last year, noting the difference in my face. He then told me how much weight he can tell that I've lost and how proud of me he is. This meant so much to me: A) because he's a guy, and guys just usually don't get all mushy b) because he told me right at a time when I have been really down lately. Here's that picture he was talking about (btw, this is him in the one directly below :):

And here's a picture of me from a couple weekends ago:

Apparently I had a better tan this time last year lol.

As hard as it is to focus on the positives, I have to. I cannot afford to let that negative fat chatty Kathy in my head get the best of me. I moped all day yesterday because I was feeling so down and fat. My condo looked like it could be on an episode of Hoarders. I woke up this morning refusing to fall back into old habits. I have come too far to let something like a damn intertube make me feel inferior to skinny minnie friends. They love me for who I am- why can't I?

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