Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sorry I've Been M.I.A.

Ok, so it's been over a month since my last post. I'm so sorry, I've just been in a weird mood lately. Sooo.... where to start? I'll start on my second triathlon that I did August 18th. I totally killed it! I cut my time nearly in half from my last one in May. This time I got in the water to warm up first (because we all remember what happened at my first triathlon!) It was the biggest pool I've ever swam in. The lanes were really long, so it was extremely tiring. But I rocked at the swim. They put you in swim groups based on your estimated swim time with the goal of staying with that group throughout the whole leg. They do this so that it keeps folks from running over other swimmers. My race number was 81 and I finished with the 80s, which is exactly how it's supposed to work. This was a huge accomplishment for me. At the last triathlon there was a woman there who out swam me and she was in this race. I passed her in the pool this time because she was resting on a lane divider. Made me happy :)Since this was my second triathlon, I was more familiar with what I really needed at the transitions, so that shaved off a ton of time. Now for the biking: when will they stop calling these routes flat!?? So not flat. It was so hilly. But unlike last time, I wasn't scared to push myself. I really pedaled to the medal and I even got to say "on your left!" to a few folks I passed. Speaking of passing, some bratty lady had a bike bell and would ding the damn thing when she wanted to pass someone. How douchey can you be? It had some of us cracking up. Anyway, moving on... I injured myself 1/4th of the way through the biking and I was freaking out because it really hurt and I got scared for what it meant for my run. My p.o.s. mountain bike is really jumpy when I change gears sometimes and my feet were still pretty wet from the swim. Well, the gears jumped, causing my foot to slip and it got caught in the pedal or something. Whatever it did, it hurt like hell and I limped for two days. Luckily my adrenaline was pumping hardcore that it didn't bother me at all during the run. It was so awesome to start my run while there still a ton of people biking. My first triathlon there were only like 2 people behind me, which was so discouraging. During the run I really pushed myself and it felt great. I love all the people on the sidelines cheering strangers on. It really helps. And of course, since I'm a big 'ol sap it always brings tears to my eyes. My best friend Amy came to cheer me on- which also made me tear up :) As I was putting my bike on my car bike rack, an older man came up to me and said the sweetest thing. He told me he didn't know why I raced that day and it was none of his business, but he was proud of me and that we all have our reasons for doing stuff like triathlons. He was a big and tall man, probably in his 70s. He said that he had a life changing experience a few years ago when he had serious health problems that forced him to get healthy and lose weight. He said he wasn't ready to leave the world yet and starting racing and now he volunteers at races to cheer other folks on.
Me and Amy:
So what else is new? Well, I have to say thank you so much to everyone who has asked me about my blog and told me that you've missed my entries. You really have no idea how much this means to me. I've been walking a lot and taking it slow. My back was really hurting there for a while and it scared me. Sometimes I forget that I weigh nearly 300 pounds and I push myself to limits that my body physically can't handle. It's like wearing heels. I love wearing heels, but I have to wear more supportive shoes because of my weight. This really pisses me off. I hate not being able to wear heels to a night out on the town! Luckily I live in Nashville, so I can get away with some cute cowgirl boots! I've also been doing Nutrisytem and I love it! I've been observing my coworkers and their eating habits and I've been trying to mimic them. I work with a lot of very healthy people and they encourage me to be better. At first I was just so amazed that they could come in to work and not eat a thing all day until their lunch (which is usually a Lean Cuisine) and then be done with it! I mean, that's ALL they eat! Whole shift! That's 9 hours, 1 time to eat. As my friend Lacey said: that's normal. What's not normal is my eating habits. I used to feel as if I had to eat every couple hours in addition to my lunch or else I would get too hungry. Well, now I just bring my Nutrisystem dinner in and that's all I eat and I'm fine! I still get hungry when I get home from work (remember I work 1:30pm-10:30pm), but I set out a snack on the counter, so it's there when I get home. I also have actually been craving healthy food when I get hungry. I went to the grocery store the other day to get some football game-day snacks and all I wanted was carrots and hummus. I've had several compliments this week from people saying that they could tell I've lost weight. It feels so good to hear that! Sometimes I just wish I could wave a wand and be done with it because this is so hard and slow. I have to go to war with myself every time I eat. I am so tired of feeling so inadequate every time I am in public. I just hate being around my thin friends sometimes it makes me mental. I feel so gross and it's like I stand out so much. I hate it! I love my friends, don't get me wrong- I'm not mad at them or jealous or anything, it's just so hard to be around thin people sometimes. I get so mad at myself that it just makes me incredibly depressed. I always make myself get over it, but it's just so hard. I can't wear what I want to wear because I feel I have to dress in a way that will conceal me, not make me stand out anymore than I already do. Moving on: what else has been going on... I went to my 10 year high school reunion a few weeks ago. I almost didn't go. It's the same story a lot of people have: I've gained so much weight since high school, I'm embarrassed, blah blah blah. I made myself go because I really wanted to see everyone. I went to a small private school in Auburn, AL with a small graduating class. My school was K-12, so most of us have literally known each other our whole lives. I knew I would regret it if I didn't go. I also knew that I had to get over my handicap about seeing folks I grew up with. They're not going to care that I've gained weight and if they do then they're fake and not real friends anyway! And it was fabulous. I was soo happy I went! I got to see some childhood friends that I really miss. With Facebook, we are fortunately able to keep up with each other a little bit, but seeing everybody all in the same place together again was really nice. the guys were still giving each other hell just like they did in 4th grade and the girls were still just as silly and fun as I remembered. It was fantastic. Of course I was really self-conscious at first, but once we all said our hellos and had a few drinks, we had a blast. Here's a picture of me and a good high school friend, Ashley, circa 2001/2002:
And here we are at the reunion, August 2012:
She looks just as fabulous now as she did 10 years ago and I am proud of her. And she has a child! I admire women who can stay in shape and make healthy decisions. I am slowly but surely becoming one of those women. Feels good.

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